I knelt down and wrapped my arms around him. He fell back into me, and we sat down on the dirt together, me cradling him as he let go. All the pent-up anger and tense disposition he'd been holding on to gave way, and he sobbed. He turned in my arms, so he could bury himself into me as he released everything he'd bottled up.
I could do nothing but stroke his hair and be there for him. When women cried, they wailed and moaned. Hearing a man cry was agonizing. When men cried, it was ugly and raw. It was guttural and visceral, like someone was ripping them into two. It was like they were both fighting and giving in to the emotion all at once.
He clung to me like his life depended on it, gripping the fabric of my coat so hard that his fingers were turning white.
"Do you think I'm ready to be a father?" he asked when his tears had finally dried up and his breathing had slowed.
"I think you are one whether you are ready or not," I answered.
"Never in a million years would I ever be ready for something like this."
"I think you can do anything," I said against his ear.
"Let's go home, babe," he said, giving me a ghost of a smile.
We made our way back to the car, hand in hand, wandering silently down the path.
"You know, you really suck at pet names," I said suddenly.
"What? What's wrong with babe?"
"It's totally unoriginal."
"Well, I guess I'll have to work on that then, honey buns."
"Nope, try again."
"Sweet bottom?"
"No!"
He laughed, and it was the first laugh I'd heard in what felt like years. It was like music to my ears. He threw an arm over my shoulder as we walked.
He kissed my head. "Thank you," he whispered.
I didn't ask why. I knew he meant for this, for the last two days, for being in that hospital that night. As hard as this discovery was, I had known he needed to know, and I knew he would be better because of it.
~Declan~
Five long agonizing days —that was how long I had to wait for a phone call back from Sarah. I'd gone back to sucking at work, and I was once again known as the diva asshat on set. I'd f**ked up my lines and cussed out a PA for getting in my way. I was a disaster.
Patience was not my thing. I hated waiting for anything. By day three, I was pacing the floors like a f**king psycho. By day four, I was convinced Sarah had brushed me off and would never contact me. Leah had done her best to prove to me that Sarah and Devin were just taking their time, and it would all happen eventually, but I was a pessimist to the core, and I'd already convinced myself of the worst.
When the call actually came in, I was on break at work. I answered the call on the first ring, seeing Sarah's name show up on my phone.
"Sarah?" I answered.
"Hey, Declan," she began.
Her tone was even —not energetic, not sympathetic. I didn't know what to think.
Was it good news or bad? Give me a damn clue!
I got up from my seat at the small table in my trailer, and I started to pace, only to realize I couldn't pace in there unless I counted walking two steps and turning around to go back and do it all over again.
I headed out the door, opting for someplace less confined. If she were about to tell me no, I needed some damn fresh air and someplace to scream.
"How are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm all right, a bit anxious. I really want to see him, Sarah." I tried leveling with her. I was sick of pu**yfooting around the subject.
"I know, and that is why we have agreed."
"What? You have?" I let out the breath I'd been holding for the last five days. I finally felt like my lungs were functioning again.
"Yes, but we have some requirements first, Declan."
"Anything, Sarah. Anything."
"First, we believe it's a good idea that, initially, Connor be introduced to you as a friend of Heather's. We're afraid introducing you as his father might overload him."
"Okay, I agree with that as long as you understand that he will eventually know me for who I really am."
She sighed before saying, "Yes, I understand that, Declan. We aren't trying to keep you from him. I only tried to do what Heather had wanted. I know it was wrong, but she was my best friend, and now, I'm trying to make it right. Having him here with us...we're doing the best we can, but it's difficult."
"What do you mean?" I asked, furrowing my brow in concern.
"When Heather asked us if we would agree to take Connor if anything were to ever happen to her, we agreed wholeheartedly. We had just gotten married, and we didn't have any kids of our own. We never once believed that anything would ever happen. When it did, our lives were very different. We have a baby, and now, all of a sudden, we have a very angry and sad seven-year-old. He is having a hard time with finding a place in our family. As much as I love him, he needs something more than me. I'm willing to admit that. If that is you and you can give him what he so desperately needs right now, then I am more than willing to open up our home to allow that to happen. But just know that I am taking a risk here. We are not going to social services. We didn't hire a lawyer. This is between us —as friends."
"I understand. Is there anything else?"
"Yes, one more thing —your girlfriend. How close are you two?"
"What do you mean?"
"Connor is in a fragile state right now. We don't want to introduce anyone into his life who might not be there in a few months. We don't want him to form attachments to people who aren't committed to being in his life for the long haul. He's already suffered a major loss, and I can't stand to see him lose anyone else."
"Leah and I are together for life. You have nothing to worry about," I said without hesitation.
"I'm happy for you, Declan. You deserve happiness. I've been worried about you for years. It's good to see you finally in a good place."
"Thank you, Sarah," I answered as I paced back and forth between the trees lining the film's location for today.
"So, when do I get to see him?" I asked.
"Does tomorrow sound good?"
"It sounds perfect, Sarah. Thanks."
In less than a day, I was going to meet my son.
Chapter Twenty-One
~Leah~
"Seriously Declan, stop fidgeting," I said, for the fourth time. He'd been a mess ever since he'd come saying Sarah and Devin had given permission for the visit. One minute he was excited, super pumped and happy, dancing with me across the room and laughing. The next he was a ball of nerves, scared out of his mind. We'd already made three separate trips to the store so he could pick up a gift for Connor. The second trip was because he thought the first gift was too small and it needed to be bigger, so we exchanged it for something larger. As soon as we got home, we had to turn around because the gift was suddenly too large and he didn't want to look like he was trying to hard, so after three tries we were back to the original gift.