Growing up, my little sister Rosalie and I were guarded like princesses in a tower. Or, rather, prisoners. My parents were staunch conservatives in all things, and my father Walt could never abide the idea of his girls going out into the world to meet all manner of boys and men. We were forbidden from dating, school dances, any co-ed activities. Rosalie and I went to a private all-girls Catholic school in Fairfield. The first time I ever really got to interact with anyone of the opposite sex was once I started undergrad. But by then, I was totally convinced that sexuality was shameful. Brainwashed into thinking that any kind of pleasure was dirty and sinful. My parents had convinced me that sex was just something that men would use to hurt me. And even now, after all this time, it’s hard to shake off that lie.
“I hope you at least got off tonight,” Kelly says, interrupting my train of thought.
“Oh yeah,” I tell her, “For all his whining, Stephen did the trick.”
“Maybe you’ll be able to make it through finals without tearing all that gorgeous hair out now,” Kelly grins.
“We’ll see,” I tell her, “I’m still freaking out a little bit about my job situation, once graduation rolls around.”
“What do you mean?” Kelly says, “You’ve always had a job, ever since I’ve known you.”
“I’ve just been freelancing to pay for school,” I remind her, “That’s no way to make a good living. I have to totally undersell myself doing Craigslist gigs, the market is just so flooded these days.”
“That’s more than I’ve been doing,” she scoffs, “My graduate school years are just a haze of frantic studying, pot smoke, and unfortunate one night stands.”
“And yet, you’ve landed yourself a cushy tech job with the rest of our graduating class,” I tease her.
“You could do the same,” she replies, “If you sent a carrier pigeon to Silicon Valley with your resume, you’d get hired in a heartbeat.”
“I just can’t see myself in that life,” I tell her. “I mean, I’m sure there are cool startups and tech companies down there, but I don’t really want to work for anyone else. It would still be a nine-to-five, the same thing day in and day out. I want something more exciting than that out of life. I want to be my own boss.”
“You’re a braver woman than me, then,” Kelly sighs, “All I want is a steady salary, a steady tan, and a steady fuck buddy.”
“A lady who knows what she wants,” I smile, “Nothing wrong with that.”
We sip our wine contemplatively, trying not to think that we might actually have to part ways come graduation. For almost seven years now, Kelly and I have been attached at the hip. She’s the only other woman I’ve ever been close with. My mother and I were very distant. I never really got to know my little sister as an adult. I don’t really have any other “girlfriends”. Or...any friends, for that matter. I’m chummy enough with some of my male classmates, but I guess you could say I have a bit of a hard time trusting people.
But Kelly stepped up as my sole source of support and comfort through my darkest hour, at the end of our undergrad senior year. When I had to wade through unthinkable tragedy and loss, she was right there at my side. I know I can trust her with my heart. My life, even. I can’t imagine finding a man about whom I could say the same.
“Maybe I could just become a nun,” I suggest, the wine and whiskey loosening my tongue. “Just get my virginity gold plated and call it a day.”
“What?!” Kelly exclaims, falling back against my bed. “You are not allowed to become a nun! Just look at you.”
“What do you mean?” I ask, blinking down at myself.
“You’re like some kind of sex goddess or something,” Kelly says, “You know this, Kassie. I’ve been telling you for years.”
I’ve always been pretty at peace with my body. At five foot nine and 135 pounds, I’ve always been tall and slender. Since undergrad, my once skinny form has become strong and muscular. My blonde hair, with its subtle natural highlights, hangs in loose waves down past my shoulder blades. I’m half Croatian, on my mother’s side, and her Eastern European features mix surprisingly well with my dad’s British appearance in me. Rosalie and I got the best of each parent, I think—though her pale skin and raven hair were the inverse of my blonde hair and warm, sandy complexion.
“You just wait,” Kelly drawls, a little tipsy, “When you finally let him, some man is going to worship that body of yours. And that mind and heart, too. Don’t you worry.”
“Maybe,” I shrug, “But I’m not holding my breath. I think I’ll worry about things that actually matter in the real world. Like a job. And a place to live. And the crazy hangover I’m going to have tomorrow.”
“Do you want to cut it with the wine?” Kelly asks, blinking at me in surprise.
“And leave a bottle unfinished? Are you crazy?” I ask, topping off our glasses.
“I have to tell you, Kassie, I’m going to miss this,” Kelly sighs, “I know that school’s been kind of a roller coaster for us both, but these nights with you make up for all the bullshit.”
“Back at you, babe,” I smile, “But come on, it’s not like we’re never going to see each other after graduation.”
“I don’t know,” she says, “I just have this feeling that you’re going to take off like a rocket the second you clear this place.”
“You think?” I ask.
“It just seems like you’re on the edge of something big,” Kelly goes on, “I can just sense it in you.”
“I really hope you’re right,” I sigh, “Because right now, my foreseeable future only includes busting my ass over shitty freelance jobs and a committed relationship with my vibrator. So...”
“Just wait,” Kelly says, “Something’s going to come your way any day now. Something huge. You just have to promise me you’ll take the leap when the time comes.”
“I might need a little push,” I nudge her, “But I’m ready.”
We stay up into the early hours of the morning, commiserating over finals, the lack of decent men in this joint, and how quickly a bottle of wine can go between two friends. At last, we doze off, not another word is spoken about my sex life and I push it out of my mind, for now. I’ve overcome a lot in my short twenty-five years on this planet. I think I can leave the whole virginity issue unresolved for a little while longer.