“Some hot tea, thank you,” she finally answered stiffly.
I went to the counter and ordered two teas, watching her all the while.
She didn’t look at me once.
I brought the tea back to the table, and she nodded her thanks, staring down into her cup. She added a sugar packet and stirred it.
“Milk?” I asked.
She shook her head, adding more sugar. She didn’t drink it, just focused on it.
I shoved my own neglected tea to the side.
I put my hands on the table, fingers threaded together. I stared down at them as intently as she stared at her tea. I took a very deep breath, gathering my courage.
“I have many regrets, many bad things I must take credit for, but believe me when I say that the negative impact that all of my actions have had on your life is my biggest one.” I had rehearsed this speech. I doubted I would have been able to say it without breaking down otherwise.
Finally, I felt her eyes on me, but now I didn’t have the strength to meet them. I knew I’d find nothing I could bear in them.
I wished she’d say something, anything, but when it was clear that she wouldn’t, I continued. “I do not deserve your forgiveness, after all that’s happened, but I am asking for it.”
Begging, I thought.
Groveling.
“Know that I would take it all back if I could, and know that I hold myself responsible for all of the bad things that happened. I am so sorry that my hitting rock bottom the way I did impacted you. Any recompense you can imagine, anything you would ask of me, I would be happy to provide.” Please, I thought. Ask me for something, anything. Let me give and you take. Let me have some role in your life again. “I’m at your service. Always, Danika. And it is my most sincere wish that someday, perhaps over time, you might consider being my friend again.”
Her hand went to her throat, and she shuddered, as though in revulsion.
I shuddered in pain.
She was that disgusted with me now that even the idea of a friendship with me made her recoil?
“Tristan,” she said slowly, her voice hoarse. “Consider yourself forgiven. But please don’t think that I hold you responsible for everything that happened.”
I was filled, for the briefest moment, with the strongest feeling of elation.
“Things didn’t turn out how I could have hoped,” she continued. “But no one person is to blame for any of it. So yes, I forgive you for any and all of it.”
Joy, wonder, the biggest spark of hope filled my chest.
Her next words made pain, horror, denial, follow closely in their wake.
“That being said, I must decline your offer of friendship. Some things…what I mean to say is, some people, need to stay away from each other, and we are such a pair.”
No, no, no, I thought. Anything but that. Don’t cut me off completely. I can take anything but that.
But I saw the resolve in the set of her shoulders.
I saw the end in her downcast eyes.
The very least I could do is give her what she so clearly wanted. I did not have the right to fight her on this. Not after all I’d done.
“If that is how you feel, I must respect your decision.” Those words didn’t want to come out of me, but I forced them out.
“It is,” she said quickly. “But thank you for the apology, and I wish you all the best.” She spoke to my collarbone. “I’m glad you got yourself help.”
She was done. That was all she was going to say. I couldn’t quite believe it, but I made myself accept it.
Finally, I wrenched myself away.
It was an effort.
My body did not want to leave her any more than my heart did.
I did not know how I was going to move on, but it was clear that she already had.
“I need to stay busy. I need to stay on point today,” I told my friends when I’d sat back down at the table. I stared at Danika’s downcast face. How had it come to this? I had the clearest picture in my head, of the way she used to look at me, like I was her whole world.
I would have given anything to have that back.
To deserve it.
Though of course, I’d never deserved it.
“I am feeling a very strong desire to use.” My voice was succinct.
“We’ll keep you busy,” Trinity said gently.
“We’ll go watch a movie, then hit up the gym,” Todd suggested. “I know how you love your workouts.”
I nodded, then followed them out. We passed Danika, who seemed in no hurry to go anywhere, still looking down at her drink, her face blank.
I paused as we passed her, but Trinity grabbed my arm, tugging me away.
“She hates me,” I finally said, as I put my car in gear. “She said she forgives me, but she doesn’t want me in her life. Not in any way. She said we can’t even be friends. She could barely even look at me.”
“Oh Tristan,” Trinity said gently, and I could tell by her tone that she, too, had been hoping that this meeting would turn out better for me.
“I’m so sorry, man,” Todd added. “It’s a rough hand you’ve been dealt. But some things are just out of our hands.”
That was a hard lesson for me to learn, but I tried my best to learn it well.
CHAPTER TWO
NEARLY TWO YEARS AFTER THE ACCIDENT
DANIKA
I’d often noted the fact that much of the humor in my life had left with Tristan. The humor, the fun, and if I was brutally honest with myself, the joy.
Everything was serious these days. Work, even my social life. When I dated, it was very serious professionals, though nothing ever got far or lasted long. My heart just wasn’t in it yet.
I told myself I only needed more time.
I finished college, and James immediately promoted me. I moved to L.A. and managed the gallery there. Career wise, all of my dreams were coming true. James let me prove myself and gave me free reign over the gallery.
I missed Bev, Jerry, and the boys, but I had enough work to keep me busy literally every waking hour, and that’s how I liked it.
Bev and Jerry remarried in a very small ceremony in the Bahamas. I attended, and the amount of relief I felt when I found out that Tristan, for whatever reason, hadn’t come, worried me. He should not still affect me like this, I told myself, but there was no helping it.