Christ. He didn’t just love her, he f**king adored her. He’d give his life for her if he had to.
He thrust hard into her, over and over, the pleasure intense and out of control. Shuddering, she cried his name, clenching around him, and he let go with a wild groan. Gritting his teeth, he flooded her body, pumping himself into her until there was nothing left.
Hovering above her, Ryan ducked his head and kissed her, tugging her lower lip into his mouth and sucking on it. The taste of Fin was like the purest Heaven and the hottest Hell.
Taking a deep, shaky breath, he started pulling out and she winced.
“You okay?”
Fuck. Tears were pooling in her eyes. They spilled over, rolling down the sides of her face and into her hair.
And there it was—the guilt—swallowing him until he was drowning in it.
“Baby, please don’t cry anymore.” He looked down as he slid out of her. “Oh fuck,” he breathed.
You dumb, stupid fuck.
“What?”
He looked at her. “I didn’t use a condom.”
Chapter Nine
Ryan hovered above her, his hands pressed into the mattress over her shoulders. His dark eyes were wide with panic when just moments ago they’d been consumed with a fire so intense she’d felt almost branded.
“Fin? I’m sorry.” Guilt swept across his face. “I didn’t mean t-to—”
Fin shoved him off and rolled over, curling herself into a little ball. Her hands shook as she clutched them to her chest, her shame palpable. What had she done to him?
She’d read the letter from Jake and suddenly the world had turned black, as though his words had blocked out the sun. Anger for the both of them leaving stabbed at her like a sharp blade, but it felt good—the wild rage giving her life. When Ryan grabbed her, the spark flickered out and as she slid down the wall, all the pain she’d buried deep inside had bled out over both of them.
Then she’d done the unthinkable and begged Ryan to take it away. And he had. He’d widened his stance, tattooed muscles bulging as he folded his arms, and ordered her to take off her clothes. His eyes had been bleak, his jaw tight, as though already forgiving her for what she was doing to them.
But his face. Oh God. He’d rammed himself inside her and she watched his hurt transform into beautiful agony. She felt his muscles flexing as her hands roamed down his back, cupping his firm ass as he thrust deep enough, hard enough, to have her gasping for air. He obliterated her pain with each wild stroke, over and over.
Now, after so many years of longing, their first time had been filled with pain and grief, instead of being sweet and special. Had she ruined that between them for one brief moment of feeling something? She didn’t want brief moments. She wanted what she’d yearned for right from the start—the very moment she’d tripped up the school steps and lost her heart. But even now, with Ryan lying nak*d in her bed, he still wasn’t hers. The Army, and the war, owned him—body and soul. Fin never stood a chance.
Ryan’s palm scraped over her shoulder. “Fin?”
She shrugged it off. “Don’t touch me.”
“But—”
“I’m clean, okay? I had a medical for my expedition and I haven’t been with anyone since.”
“That’s not—” He paused. “Me too.”
She wasn’t on the pill though. Not that she’d tell Ryan that. The last thing she needed to see in his eyes was more panic. She’d go to the pharmacy in the morning and sort it out.
Sheets rustled behind her as Ryan shifted. His fingers began trailing their way down her spine, slowly circling each protruding bone until he reached the small of her back.
“Are you hungry?” he asked, concern weighting his voice.
Fin squeezed her eyes shut. “No.”
“You should eat something.” He shifted in close, his chest brushing against her back and she shivered. “Cold?”
Cold? The heat of him was scorching her skin and she wanted to bury herself in it. She pulled away a little instead. “I’m not anything except tired, Ryan.”
“Enough,” he growled. He grabbed at her, her body flailing as he stood up and tossed her over his shoulder.
“Oomph.” She pushed at his back. “Put me down!”
“No.”
“Now, Ryan,” she demanded as he stalked out of her bedroom. His hand slid up her leg, squeezing her bare ass, and she gasped.
“No.”
He carried her to the bathroom and reaching inside the shower, flicked on the taps while she struggled in his hold. “Ryan, please. I just want to sleep.”
Ryan ignored her. Stretching out a hand, he checked the temperature of the water as steam began pouring out. Setting her on her feet, he nodded at the shower. “Get in.”
Anger rose in her chest and it felt satisfying. “Stop telling me what to do!”
“Then stop with the cold bitch act. It’s not you and I don’t like it!” She resisted when he seized her shoulders. “Get in the goddamn shower!” he roared.
“Ryan—”
He picked her up, his arms locking around her, and stepped in the shower with her. Scalding water pounded over them.
“After this, you’re going to bloody eat something. You look like you haven’t eaten in months.”
She stood motionless as Ryan grabbed at the soap and started rubbing it over her body in rough, jerky movements.
“I forced you to have sex with me,” she whispered.
He froze.
Straightening his back, he looked down at her, his eyes searching her face. “Is that what you think?”
Fin nodded mutely.
“That’s so far from the truth I can’t believe you’d even think it. I have a thick skin, baby,” he told her, his wide shoulders crowding her back against the cool tiles, “but you’re under it. You’re buried in there so deep it’s like I was born with you in my soul.” His eyes slowly ignited as he slid soapy hands over her hips. “When I’m near you I’m consumed by you—your smile, your eyes, your heart. Even though we’ve never been together, you’ve always been mine, and even if I never get to keep you, you’ll still be mine.” Ryan grabbed her hands and put them on his chest, sliding them down the muscled ridges until she circled him with her hands. He was hard again; she could feel the blood pulsing through him. He put a hand over hers. “This is how much I want you, and you didn’t force that. I’ve always wanted you and I’ll never stop wanting you.”
A bittersweet ache welled in her chest. How was it possible to feel so much heartbreak and so much love at the same time? The warring emotions were a force, slamming into her, tangling together until she was lost. “Ryan, I—”
“Don’t say anything.” Ducking his head, his lips hovered over hers, waiting.
Breathing quietly against his mouth, she leaned in hesitantly and kissed him. She watched his eyes flutter closed at the soft, delicate touch.
He sucked in a sharp breath as she stroked the hard length of him with both hands. “Is this what you want?” she whispered against his lips.
Ryan kissed her, moaning into her mouth as she stroked him again, up and down, gentle and firm. “Yes,” he breathed.
He pressed his hands flat on the tile above her shoulders, his h*ps moving in time with her hands.
Fin moved her lips down his neck, his body shivering as she continued her fiery path until her knees hit the shower floor. His dark eyes flickered open, watching her intently. Leaning forward, she took him in her mouth, her tongue swirling around him.
“Baby,” he choked out. Bracing his forearm against the wall, Ryan buried his face in it, shuddering as her mouth and hands moved over him.
His other hand buried itself in her hair, and too soon, he was tugging at the wet strands. “Stop.”
Ryan gripped beneath her shoulders and yanked her up. He kissed her hard, his tongue thrusting wildly into her mouth as he slid a hand between her thighs. “Need you.”
“Now,” she told him.
“You ready for me?” She clutched at him when he buried his fingers inside her.
“Oh God,” she moaned as he slid them out and back in again. Fin pressed her face into his shoulder and bit him softly. Using his free hand, he reached up and pinched her nipple, rolling it in his fingers as his tongue swiped a path along her lips. He was everywhere, his hands, his tongue, his scent. She was drowning in him. “Ryan, please.”
He pulled away. “Turn around.”
She turned blindly, giving him her back.
“Brace your hands against the wall and lean forward.”
“Ryan?”
“You can trust me, Fin.”
Fin nodded. She’d never trusted anyone more than she did Ryan. When she did as he asked, he grabbed her hips, yanking her back further. One hand fell away, and then he was there and pushing inside her. A moan broke free and she didn’t even know if it was him or her.
With both hands back on her hips, he slid all the way in. “Oh fuck,” he breathed. “My beautiful Fin.”
She wriggled against him, so he pulled out and pushed back in again.
“You good?”
“Mmm,” she moaned. Better than good. Ryan brought her alive. “Harder.”
Ryan complied until she thought her hands would give out, but when he reached around between her thighs and rubbed hard, it was her entire body that gave out. His name was wrenched from her lips as she gasped for air, and his arm wrapped around her ribs, holding her up.
“Fuck,” he shouted hoarsely as he slammed into her one last time, his chest heaving. He ground his h*ps as he shuddered against her.
Jake turned around and looked at Ryan with narrowed eyes, thick red blood pouring down his neck and soaking his shirt. Raising his arm up, he aimed his gun right at Ryan’s heart and said, “It should have been you, Kendall, not me. I had everything to live for. You had nothing.” His voice was cold and biting, the smile on his face as he pulled the trigger sending icy shivers through Ryan’s body.
Heart thundering in his chest, Ryan woke up sweaty, his body trembling.
“Goddammit,” he muttered, swiping a hand across his face. He looked over at Fin, her breathing was deep and even, her cheeks flushed.
He pressed a hand over her heart, feeling the steady thump beneath his fingers, letting it calm him.
Sensing his touch, she rolled over, one long leg sliding out to rest above the sheet. Her ribs stuck out, her collarbone sharp, and it broke his heart. He’d forced her to eat a sandwich last night before they fell into bed, exhausted. Yet despite being wrung dry, Ryan still struggled finding sleep. What was he still doing here? He would only be leaving again soon. He had to leave. Now more than ever. Jake didn’t die so that Ryan would give up. Was Fin supposed to happily wave him back off to Afghanistan so soon after losing Jake? And what if he didn’t come back? Could he do that to her?
Fuck no.
Fin was right. They kept going around in circles, and it was slowly shredding him into tiny pieces. How much longer could they keep doing this?
Swallowing the lump in his throat, he eased his way out of bed in the early light and dressed quietly.