An irrational jealousy swept through me. That was my favorite move! And he was using it on this . . . bitch! True, we hadn't set any boundaries on what he could and couldn't do today, but, out of respect for me, couldn't he stay away from moves that were used in our bedroom?
Words that my mother had spoken to me last Christmas leapt to life in my brain. It takes a special person to be able to handle all of the attention he'll receive. Are you sure you're that woman? I'm sure my mom hadn't anticipated this level of attention, but her point was suddenly a valid one. Could I handle this?
I started to turn away from him, disgusted, but then I remembered the look on his face when this all started. And I remembered the pressure he was under to do this-by his band, by the label, even by me. And then I remembered what I'd told him when I first talked him into this, when he said he couldn't do it. Just pretend she's me. My eyes snapped back to him on the monitor. Was that what he was doing? Pretending she was me?
The director yelled cut, and Kellan froze and immediately rolled off of her. He kept his eyes closed as he laid his head back on the pillows. I could see his chest heaving, and as he swallowed, I swear I saw his jaw tremble. My concern for him instantly shot past my brief moment of jealousy. God, was he okay with this?
Sienna sure was. She was fanning herself like Kellan was the greatest thing since sliced bread. How could she be so oblivious to his turmoil? Was I the only one that noticed how tightly he kept his eyes closed, like he was afraid to open them? I wanted to run over to him, to tell him that I wasn't mad, but after some quick adjustments, Diedrich yelled action again, and the making out continued.
When the camera was rolling, Kellan seemed fine-he smiled, teased, tasted, appeared like he loved her-but the minute there was a break, he went rigid stiff, and kept his eyes sealed shut. I don't think he'd opened them once since he'd finally caved and kissed her. He must be terrified of what I thought, of what he thought he'd see on my face.
The filming took hours, and I was exhausted by the time they wrapped. Looking pleased as punch, Diedrich profusely thanked his stars and announced that he'd see everyone tomorrow. Kellan shot up off of the bed, grabbed his robe from a crew member nearby, and darted off the set before I could even call his name. For the first time since it began, Sienna looked sad as she put her robe on over her still-bare chest.
Ignoring her melancholy, I set off in search of my morose husband, but I couldn't find him. The place was a maze of hallways and people. I ran into the other D-Bags before I ran into him. Back in street clothes, a boisterous Evan wrapped me in a bear hug. "Kiera! You are not gonna believe how badass we looked!"
Setting me down, Evan searched the hallway. "Where's Kellan?"
As Matt gave me concerned eyes, and Griffin chatted with a nearby blonde that I recognized as Kellan's robe holder, I shrugged. "I don't know . . . he kind of took off."
Matt shrugged. "Maybe he needed air? Maybe he's waiting in the car?"
Not knowing where else to look for him, I nodded and let the guys escort me outside. Sienna waved as I passed by her dressing room. She was back in her street clothes as well, but her fit body was still seared into my brain. As was the image of Kellan's tongue running up her throat. My stomach was churning a little bit when we got outside, and I inhaled the fresh air like I'd been in a stagnant cave for decades.
Evan patted my back, then pointed at a black limo waiting for us. "Car's here. Let's go see if Kellan's waiting for you." Eyes moist, I gave him a weak nod.
The driver opened the door as we approached. My heart was thudding as all of the boys hopped inside. I heard Evan greet Kellan. So he was hiding in the car. I heard Griffin ask him how it was, and I felt faint. It was awful. That's how it was. I hesitated at the car door, not sure if I could stomach seeing Kellan yet. It was all just too . . . fresh.
Hating myself, I ducked into the car and purposely avoided looking his way. I stared out the window as the car started moving. I could feel Kellan's eyes on me, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him. It was the oddest feeling I'd ever had. I recognized how difficult it had been for him, I realized that he'd pretended she was me so he could get through it, and I wanted to comfort him, because I'd seen how badly he'd been bothered by doing it. And yet, at the same time, I didn't want to see his face. I knew if I did, I would see hers too. And I just couldn't handle it at the moment.
As the conversations in the limo died down, the tension built. Eventually, it was so thick I had to believe that even Griffin felt it. In fact, he started to ask, "Are you two fighting?" but someone elbowed him before he could finish saying it. Good thing, too, because I wasn't sure if we were or not. All I knew was I still felt ill, and I still loved Kellan more than anything.
I got out of the car the minute the driver opened the door and dashed upstairs, slamming our bedroom door shut. I had to see him. I couldn't possibly avoid him. I just needed . . . a minute. Grief welled in me, followed immediately by guilt. This was my idea, and I'd requested to watch it. All of this self-inflicted pain was unnecessary. I couldn't stop feeling it, though. Hearing the guys in the lounge area, I quickly walked into the bathroom and turned on a faucet so I could cry in peace. As I wiped a knuckle under my eye, I noticed my bloody palms from where I'd cut myself. Eyes wide, I scrubbed my hands under the cool water.
That's when the bathroom door was tapped on. "Kiera . . ."
There was so much pain in his voice, I shut off the water. I hiccupped back a sob and stared at myself in the mirror, willing myself to calm down. This was only as big of a deal as we made it. I remembered the look of horror on his face, the clear reluctance in his first few kisses. Those images helped burn away the heated, passionate kisses that had happened later. I could do this. I could handle being with him. I could handle being his wife.
When my breathing returned to normal, his voice called to me again. "Kiera . . . please."
His voice hitched, and I heard a sound I'd never wanted to hear from him again. He was crying. Wiping my hands dry, I opened the bathroom door. He had his head in his hands, and his shoulders were shaking. I immediately wrapped my arms around him. He buried his head in my neck, murmuring, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me . . . please don't leave me."
I held him tight to me, my tears threatening to resurface. Stroking his hair, I shushed him, whispering, "It's okay . . . I'm not mad . . . it's okay."
Eventually, he pulled back to look at me; his eyes were red, his cheeks wet. "How can you not be mad after what you saw? How can you not . . ."-his voice hitched-"hate me?"
I held his cheeks in my palms. "Who were you kissing today?"
He scrunched his brows, confused, then his expression softened. "You . . . I was kissing you. I was thinking about the first time we made love . . . after you told me that you loved me." His smile was radiant, even under the layer of pain still on his face.
I nodded, my smile matching his. "I know. I could tell . . . and that's why I'm not mad. I know you were with me . . . and I love you so much."
Kellan sagged in my arms as relief filled him. "God, thank you. I was so scared I'd just lost you. You wouldn't even look at me in the car . . ."
I held him to me, nestling against him. "I'm sorry. I just needed a minute. That was . . . intense."
Kellan pulled back to look at me. "Never again. I don't care what's at stake. I don't care who I have to let down. I won't ever do that to you again. You . . . or me. I'm done playing their game."
I sagged against him, my relief equally palpable. Kellan started bringing his lips down to mine, and I bristled. His eyes were wide when I pushed him back, the fear and tension instantly returning to his features. Cringing, I told him, "You . . . smell like her."
Kellan clenched his jaw, anger flooding his features. "Not for long."
Walking over to the shower, he turned it on high and stripped off his clothes. I smiled at seeing his familiar black boxers. I never wanted to see him in briefs again. Stripping those off, he climbed into the shower. I quickly added my clothes to the pile and climbed in after him. He gave me a brief smile as he handed me a bar of soap. "I want every trace of her off of me." Nodding, I got to work on cleaning his back.
When I got to his front, I scrubbed extra hard over his tattoo until the industrial strength makeup finally dissolved and my name sprang back to life. When it was visible again, I smiled and kissed the indelible ink. Kellan gave me a charming grin as he started working on sanitizing his hair. Locks full of suds, he gazed at me while I scrubbed his legs clean.
When I worked my way between his legs, his eyes fluttered closed and he told me, "That's the one part she didn't touch." He cracked an eye open, "But I do appreciate your thoroughness." Giggling, I reached up to kiss him. He put a hand out to stop me. "Wait. One more spot."
While I wondered what spot on him I'd possibly missed, Kellan grabbed the bottle of shampoo and squirted some in his mouth. I dropped the bar of soap as I gaped at him. "Kellan!"
Holding up his finger, he swished the horrid liquid around his mouth, then he made a face like he was about to vomit, and leaned over to spit it out. While he choked and sputtered, I started laughing. My eyes watered with merriment, and it felt so good. "I cannot believe you just did that!"
Kellan held his face up to the showerhead; bubbles foamed from his mouth and traveled down his chin. The tears ran down my cheeks as I laughed. Spitting and choking, Kellan scrubbed his tongue with the top of a loofah sponge. I had to hold in my stomach; my sides were starting to cramp.
Turning off the water, Kellan twisted his lips in disgust. "God, that was nasty."
Getting my breathing under control, I wiped the happy tears off of my damp skin. "That was not necessary, Kellan."
Kellan grinned as his adoring eyes searched my face. "Yes, it was."
Loving him more than I ever believed possible, I wrapped my arms around his neck and hopped up so I could wrap my legs around his waist. "I love you . . . even if you are insane."
Kellan was chuckling as he opened the shower door. "Good, because I think I'm going to be burping soap bubbles for a week." Tangling my hands through his hair, I gazed at him until I thought my heart might burst. He unwaveringly met my eyes. "I love you too, Kiera. Just you. You're my always."
Chapter 13: Plans
The rest of the video shoot was a lot less traumatic. Kellan shot his part with the band and finished up his scenes with Sienna-fully clothed, this time. The band footage was amazing. It was like being back at Pete's as I watched them rock out on the makeshift stage. Kellan was incredible as he poured his heart and soul into the microphone. And even though the audio recording wouldn't be used for the video, they were spot on each time they played.
The remaining bedroom scenes were actually interesting to watch this go round. Now that the painful, nak*d part of filming was over, I could stomach Sienna being around Kellan, even if she did still feel the need to greet him with a kiss on the cheek. The entire song was essentially one long ode to a romance gone south. Diedrich's vision of it was Kellan and Sienna reminiscing and arguing about their doomed relationship while walking around the bed where their nak*d bodies were in the throes of a "passionate embrace," as Diedrich called their sex scene.
The passionate part was already in the can, thank God, so they spent an entire day filming the breakup scenes. It was fascinating to watch. Kellan would lean down by one side of the bed, singing his line as he stared at nothing. In the final version, though, he would be staring at the image of himself making out with Sienna. At one point in filming, they had a couple wearing lime green jumpsuits hop into bed and simulate what Kellan and Sienna had done yesterday. It blew my mind that that was actually someone's job. Then they had Kellan drag his fingers down the Green Sienna's arm. In the final cut, one version of Kellan would be making out with Sienna, while the other version of him would be longingly running his hand down her arm. If I could look at it without revulsion, the video was going to be haunting and beautiful, much like the song.