Guilt makes a speedy resurgence, sinking a cannonball’s worth of weight onto my shoulders as my breathing dulls to a slow shock. Confused, I prod again, trying to understand why she’d hide something so important from me. “Why didn’t you tell me about them? Hell, baby. Had I known this, I would’ve never asked you to hit that bong. Dammit, Ber,” I whisper, praying to God I can get her to believe me, “it would’ve never crossed my mind. Sure, I’d just assumed you’d already smoked it—I explained that to you that night—but had you told me your parents were strung out, I would’ve never laid that kind of pressure on you. Never.”
She remains quiet for a moment, hesitation hindering her response. “Embarrassment,” she finally says through a stuttered gulp of air, her body continuing to tremble like a scared child as she fists the collar of my T-shirt. “I was embarrassed. It was hard enough telling you that he killed her, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell you that my parents, the two most important people in my life, the ones who should’ve held my hand along this confusing journey, wanted their dope more than they wanted . . . me.”
“You’re not unwanted by me, baby girl. You’ll never be unwanted by me. It’s impossible.” Though I’m scared beyond comprehension that allowing her to be with Ryder again will drag her further away from me, I cave to Amber’s request, her need to slay the demons from her past—no matter what the emotional cost to me might be—my top priority. “You can be with Ryder again too. I’ll do whatever it is you want in order to keep you happy, to keep you mentally healthy. For now, that is. I can’t promise you this will be a long-term thing, though, Ber. I just can’t.”
“Are you . . . sure?” she asks, aware that she’s backing me into a corner.
I’m just not sure if she knows how much doing so is killing me.
Unsure if my decision makes any sense at all, I nod, resigned to the fact that I’m the asshole who caused the torment bulldozing its way through her mind. The asshole who needs to fix this, fix her. “Yeah, I’m sure.” I stroke my fingers through her hair, my voice thin as I move my hands to her thighs, squeezing them. “But I also can’t promise you it’ll go as smoothly as it did last night.”
She cracks a small grin. “You think last night went . . . smoothly?”
“You don’t?” I press, unable to contain my shock. “How’s that even possible? I watched—without ripping his balls off—Ryder fuck the shit outta you.” A tight chuckle ticks from my mouth as I lift her from my lap, setting her back in her seat, my attention focused on the road as I ease back into traffic. “I know I’m a little psychotic but, in my book, that’s as smooth as it gets.” Not about to tell her I’d changed my mind about letting them be together, I keep it light, brushing over my true feelings instead of telling her what’s really burning a hole in my gut. “Seeing you with him affected me differently than I thought it would. Still, for your sake, I’m cool with giving it another go.”
Amber studies me, her eyes harboring a question.
“What?” I prod after several agonizing minutes, curiosity biting at my skin as I head toward my condo. “There’s something you wanna say, so just say it.”
“Did you love Hailey?” she asks, her words spoken with mild hesitation.
I dart a glance her way. “You already know the answer to that. I told you she meant shit to me.” I bring my attention back to the road, confusion setting in as I merge onto an exit ramp. “Why would you even ask me that again?”
A pause, her silence driving me fucking crazy as I tiresomely maneuver my way through the out-of-control weekend traffic swamping the downtown Annapolis bay area.
Another moment of silence before she whispers, “You love me, right, Brock?”
“A million times more than I do myself,” I answer automatically, every fiber of me telling the truth. “Till the day death steps in, stealing the very last breath from my lungs, the single last beat of my heart.”
Amber blinks, a weary smile pulling at her lips. “That’s the difference this time around, baby.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I ask, feeling like an asshole for not getting the point she’s trying to make. “Are you analyzing me, Miss Psychology Major? Is that what you’re doing? Am I your muse for an upcoming term paper regarding deviant personalities? If so, I’m the perfect case study.”
She casts me another weary smile as she brushes her knuckles against my cheek, the soft, sensual act causing my cock to jerk awake in response. “You went into this thinking you’d be able to handle the situation with ease in the same way you did with Hailey.” She shrugs, her fingers playing with my hair as I kill the engine in front of my complex. “But you couldn’t because you love me. You never loved her. I didn’t know it till I met you, but love . . . changes us—changes the dynamics of everything we ever believed in. Love’s pure and selfish. It can make us want things we shouldn’t and hate what it’s turned us into. It’s giving, greedy, indecisive, vindictive, and magical all at once. It makes us jump from one delusional emotion to the next, all the while patiently keeping us dangling in its malicious yet euphoric web. A web that’s laced with beautiful lies and horrible truths.”
Amber opens the passenger-side door, her head craned back to look at me before stepping out. “But one thing love remains constant at—the most important feeling it controls in us—is jealousy. When we love someone wholeheartedly, truly can’t imagine getting through a single day without them, that’s when love can show her rage. Once released, love’s jealousy can never be taken back, her desire to forget her pain breaking all the rules, uncaring of every obstacle she destroys in her path. It’s unlike any God-given emotion we’re born with.”