Satisfied that all was as it should be, she donned her night dress and slipped beneath the furs on her bed. The only light in the darkness was the vibrant, orange glow of the fire. It cast shadows on the walls and made her feel every bit as alone as she was.
Outside, the wind whistled and groaned, like an old man bemoaning his fate. Keeley wrapped the furs tighter around her and stared at the dancing flames on the ceiling.
If only things were as simple as stealing a kiss. If only she’d take matters into her own hands as Christina had done. Keeley smiled a sad, rueful smile. If only a kiss could solve all the ills. Christina had kissed her man and now they would forge a life together.
She had no life to forge with Alaric. But she could cherish a few stolen moments in his arms.
She went utterly still as the thought took hold. Her breath caught and held and her hand flew to her throat, massaging as if to take the tightness away.
What if she did go to Alaric? How would it change any aspect of her life when she was already thought a woman of no virtue?
She closed her eyes and shook her head in mute denial.
But she couldn’t even use the excuse that Rionna was her friend. Friends didn’t turn their backs. And no one ever had to know.
Just one night.
Was it possible?
Alaric wanted her. He’d make that plain enough. And Keeley wanted him with every breath she breathed. She wanted him so much that it was a physical ache.
What would his hands feel like on her flesh? His mouth against hers?
Aye, it would hurt to walk away from Alaric. It would hurt to have him but for a short tryst, but she was beginning to believe that he was right. A taste of sweet was better than a lifetime of bitter regret. And right now she’d regret going to her cold grave a virgin still.
For so long she held her virtue tight. So tight that naught else mattered. It was her only proof that she wasn’t the whore she’d been labeled. And yet it hadn’t brought her justice. There was no one to stand for her. There would never be anyone to stand for her. Only she knew the truth, and that’s how it would stay.
How much comfort did the truth bring her on cold nights?
She nearly laughed at the lengths her mind went to in order to rationalize her desire to indulge in an affair with her warrior.
Her warrior. Always hers. But not. In her heart, though, there was no other. There never would be.
“Do stop being so dramatic and fanciful, Keeley,” she murmured. “The next thing you know, you’ll be throwing aside the furs covering the window and threatening to hurl yourself onto the snow-covered heath.”
She would laugh, but tears stung her eyelids and she swiped at them to alleviate the burn.
Nay, now was not the time for silly and idyllic dreams. She needed to be a realist and decide what was acceptable to her. No one else. For once, she would place her own wants and desires above others. For if she didn’t see to her happiness, no one else would.
One night in Alaric’s arms.
Once spoken aloud in her mind, she couldn’t push the thought away. It consumed her. It tempted and tantalized her as nothing else ever had.
She’d never even been kissed until Alaric, save the brutal mouth of the laird and she didn’t consider that a kiss. A kiss was something given, and the laird had taken. She had never given him anything willingly.
She pressed her palms to her eyes and plunged her fingers into her hair.
It was too late for her to turn back. It had become more than some hopeless dream. The idea had taken root. It burned so brightly in her mind that she knew she couldn’t go another day under the unbearable strain that existed between her and Alaric.
Tonight it had to end.
Chapter 17
Alaric stood and stared moodily out the window into the night. Above, the moon gleamed bright and reflected boldly off the snow-covered terrain. In the distance the loch glistened and shone like silver with nary a ripple to disturb the pristine surface.
’Twas a tranquil sight and yet his insides were in complete turmoil.
His brother’s words whispered to him, an insidious thought that once seeded had taken root and it shamed him that he gave it more thought with each passing day. Take her. Use her. Be rid of this madness.
But he couldn’t. Because he knew that what he felt wasn’t simple lust. What it was, he couldn’t say. It was new and fresh. He was on the cusp of something alarming and exhilarating all at the same time. ’Twas as if he prepared for battle and his blood soared in preparation.
He wanted her, aye. Not a doubt. But he wouldn’t take what wasn’t willingly given. The last thing he wanted to do was cause her pain. Seeing the torment in her eyes had hurt him in a way he hadn’t thought it possible to be hurt by a woman.
The sound of his chamber door opening whirled him around, a blistering set down-poised and ready to fly at whoever dared to enter without knocking.
When he saw Keeley standing in the shadows, uncertainty etched on her features, he forgot to breathe.
“I thought you would be abed,” she said in barely above a whisper. “ ’Tis late. We took to our beds hours ago.”
“And yet here we both stand, unable to sleep. Why is that, Keeley?” he asked softly. “Are we going to continue to deny what it is we both want?”
“Nay.”
He went still. So still that the room went deathly quiet and only the howl of the wind could be heard. Cold rushed through the room, blanketing it in frigid layers. Keeley shivered and gathered her arms around her. She looked so vulnerable that every instinct in him cried out to protect her from harm. To cherish her and lavish on her all the patience and understanding he had in him.