Now he’s gradually becoming his usual self. He’s getting back that veneer of confidence. That blank expression when he doesn’t want people to know what he’s feeling. That abrupt, businesslike manner. He’s been into the office during the past week, and it’s been like old times.
Although not quite. Because although the veneer’s back, the point is, I’ve seen underneath it. I’ve seen the way Luke works. The way he thinks and what he’s scared of and what he really wants out of life. Before all this happened, we’d been together for over two years. We’d lived together, we were a successful couple. But now I feel I know him in a way I never did before.
“I keep thinking back to that conversation I had with my mother,” he says, frowning into his drink. “Up in the Rainbow Room.”
“Really?” I say warily. “What exactly—”
“I still find it confusing.”
“Confusing?” I say after a pause. “Why’s that?”
“I’ve never heard her speak that way before. It didn’t seem real.” He looks up. “I don’t know whether I should believe her.”
I lean forward and take his hand. “Luke, just because she’s never said those things to you before, it doesn’t mean they aren’t true.”
This is what I’ve said to him nearly every day since he had the meeting with Elinor. I want to stop him picking away at it. I want him to accept what she said, and be happy. But he’s too intelligent for that. He’s silent for a few moments, and I know he’s replaying the conversation in his mind.
“Some of the things she said seemed so true, and others, so false.”
“Which bits sounded false?” I say lightly. “Out of interest?”
“When she told me that she was proud of everything I’d done, from the founding of my company to choosing you as a wife. It just didn’t quite… I don’t know…” He shakes his head.
“I thought that was rather good!” I retort before I can stop myself. “I mean… you know… quite a likely thing for her to say—”
“But then she said something else. She said there wasn’t a single day since I was born that she hadn’t thought about me.” He hesitates. “And the way she said it… I really believed her.”
“She said that?” I say, taken aback.
There was nothing about that on the piece of paper I gave Elinor. I reach for Luke’s gin and tonic and take a sip, thinking hard.
“I really do think she meant what she said,” I say at last. “In fact… I know it. The point is, she wanted to tell you she loved you. Even if everything she said didn’t sound completely natural, that’s what she wanted you to know.”
“I suppose so.” He meets my eyes. “But still. I can’t feel the same way about her. I can’t go back to where I was.”
“No,” I say after a short silence. “Well… I think that’s probably a good thing.”
The spell’s been lifted. Luke has finally woken up.
I lean over and kiss him, then take another sip of his drink. “I should go and put my frock on.”
“You’re not wearing that fetching anorak?” says Luke with a grin.
“Well, I was going to. But now you’ve seen it, I’ll just have to find something else, I suppose…” I get up to go — then hesitate. “Listen, Luke. If things seem a bit strange today, just… go with it, OK?”
“OK,” says Luke in surprise.
“You promise?”
“I promise.” He gives me a sideways look. “Becky, is there anything I should know?”
“Er… no,” I say innocently. “No, I don’t think so. See you in there.”
Twenty-one
I CAN’T BELIEVE I’VE made it to this moment. I honestly can’t believe it’s really happening.
I’m wearing a wedding dress and a sparkly tiara in my hair.
I’m a bride.
As I’m led by Robyn down the empty, silent Plaza corridors, I feel a bit like the president in a Hollywood movie. “The Beauty is on the move,” she’s muttering into her headset as we walk along the plushy red carpet. “The Beauty is approaching.”
We turn a corner and I catch a glimpse of myself in a huge antique mirror, and feel a dart of shock. Of course I know what I look like. I’ve just spent half an hour staring at myself in the suite upstairs, for goodness’ sake. But still, catching myself unawares, I can’t quite believe that girl in the veil is me. It’s me.
I’m about to walk up the aisle at the Plaza. Four hundred people watching every move. Oh God.
Oh God. What am I thinking?
As I see the doors of the Terrace Room, I start to panic, and my fingers tighten around my bouquet. This is never going to work. I must be mad. I can’t do it. I want to run away.
But there’s nowhere to run. There’s nothing else to do but go forward.
Erin and the other bridesmaids are waiting, and as we draw near, they all begin to coo over my dress. I’ve no idea what their names are. They’re daughters of Elinor’s friends. After today I’ll probably never see them again.
“String orchestra. Stand by for Beauty,” Robyn is saying into her headset.
“Becky!” I look up, and thank God, it’s Danny, wearing a brocade frock coat over leather trousers, and carrying a taupe and bronze Ceremony Program. “You look amazing.”
“Really? Do I look OK?”