But the truth is, I don’t need to go into any spending-addiction program. I’m clearly a very fast learner, because I’ve totally got it. I have control over myself! I can’t wait to show Suze.
“Here we are!” I push open the doors to the gift shop. I have to say, it’s the most gorgeous shop. It’s all pale wood and scented candles burning, and everywhere you look is some beautiful, uplifting thing to help you on your journey, like a cashmere yoga hoodie, or a soft leather-bound “thought diary,” or positive affirmations printed on canvases. There’s a jewelry range, which is all made of organic crystals, and there are stacks of books and CDs, and even a range of “healing energy” makeup.
I look at Suze, waiting for her to say, Wow, what an amazing shop! But she’s just staring at me expectantly.
“OK,” she says. “What now? Do you just look around and think, No, I don’t want any of this?”
“It’s a process,” I say patiently, and get out my notebook. “First of all, I have to think, Why am I shopping? And I have to write it down.” I look at the list of suggestions David gave me. Am I bored? No. Lonely? No. Anxious? No. For a moment I’m stumped. Why am I shopping?
“I’ll put: To show friend that I don’t shop too much anymore,” I say at last. I write it down and underline it proudly.
“Now what?”
“Going shopping can often be a way of boosting low self-esteem,” I say knowledgeably. “So I have to boost my self-esteem myself, with affirmations.” I get out the positive-thoughts cards that David gave me and riffle through them. “Like this: I approve of myself and feel great about myself.” I beam at Suze. “Isn’t that great? I’ve got loads of them.”
“Let’s see!” she says at once, holding out her hand.
“Here you are.” I hand her a card that says I accept others as they are, and they in turn accept me as I am. “You can buy them here,” I add. “And you can get really nice T-shirts with the affirmations printed on. Shall we try some on?”
“Try on T-shirts?” Suze stares at me. “Bex, I thought you’d given up shopping.”
“I haven’t given up shopping.” I almost laugh at her naïve, simplistic attitude. “That’s not what this is about, Suze. It’s not about abstinence, it’s about getting into a healthy shopping pattern.”
That’s the lesson that stuck with me from the session yesterday. It’s not about giving up shopping. As soon as David said that, the whole thing made more sense to me.
“Well, wouldn’t it be healthier not to shop at all?” Suze demands. “I mean, shouldn’t we leave?”
Suze really doesn’t get it. But, then, she isn’t as tuned in to her inner mental landscape as I am.
“It’s actually a very bad idea to give up shopping altogether,” I explain. “You have to learn to exercise your control muscle. Being in here is like a workout for me.”
“Right.” Suze looks dubious. “So what happens next?”
“So, I’ll just make the purchases I need to, calmly and with meaning.”
I love that phrase. David kept saying it yesterday: “You need to learn to shop calmly and with meaning.”
“But you don’t need to buy anything,” objects Suze.
“Yes, I do! I need a book, actually. David told me to buy it. So.” I lead the way over to the cognitive-behavioral-therapy section and reach for a book titled Catching Thoughts: Your Introduction to CBT.
“This is what I do in my group,” I say importantly, pointing at the title. “Cognitive behavioral therapy. If I want to buy something and it’s not appropriate, I have to restructure my thoughts. I have to identify my cognitive errors and challenge them.”
“Wow.” For the first time, Suze looks genuinely impressed. “Is that hard?”
“No, it’s quite easy,” I say, flipping through the book. “I’ll get the audio version, too, so I can listen to it when I’m out jogging. And there are some other titles David said I should look at.”
I start scooping hardbacks into my basket. CBT Thought Diary, CBT for Spending Addiction, The Compulsive Spender’s Journal, Shopaholic: Break the Pattern … As I pile the books up, I feel a glow of virtue. David was right: I can break free of my old ways. There are some really cool pencils, too, matte black with slogans like Growth and Exhale. I’ll get a pack.
Suze is watching me, a bit nonplussed. “But, Bex, how is this different from normal shopping? Where’s the challenging or whatever it is?”
Oh, right. I’d forgotten about that, just for a moment.
“I was coming to that,” I say, a little severely. “You put the things in your basket and then you challenge yourself.”
I lift up the top book and stare at it intently. I’m actually a bit hazy about what I should do next, not that I’ll admit that to Suze.
“I need this book,” I say at last, in a sonorous voice. “This is my belief. The evidence for this belief is: David told me I should get it. The evidence against it is … none. So. I will buy it, calmly and with meaning. Amen.”
“Amen?” Suze gives a sudden giggle.
“That just slipped out,” I admit. “Anyway, wasn’t that cool? I’ve totally learned how to challenge myself.”
“Do the pencils now,” Suze says.
“OK.” I take the pencils out and focus on them. “I need these pencils. This is my belief. The evidence for this belief is: Pencils are always useful. The evidence against is—”