I cant tell what just happened. Did I embarrass him? Piss him off? Make him sad?
Whatever I did, I hate this thing now. This awkwardness thats filling the space between my door and the elevator hes now standing in front of.
I walk inside my apartment and close my door, but the awkwardness is everywhere. It didnt remain out in the hallway.
Chapter six
MILES
Six years earlier
We eat dinner, but its awkward.
Lisa and Dad try to include us in the conversation, but neither
of us is in the mood to talk. We stare at our plates. We push
around the food with our forks.
We dont want to eat.
Dad asks Lisa if she wants to go sit out back.
Lisa says yes.
Lisa asks Rachel to help me clear the table.
Rachel says okay.
We take the plates to the kitchen.
Were quiet.
Rachel leans against the counter while I load the dishwasher.
She watches me do my best to ignore her. She doesnt realize
shes everywhere. Shes in everything. Every single thing has
just become Rachel.
Its consuming me.
My thoughts arent thoughts anymore.
My thoughts are Rachel.
I cant fall in love with you, Rachel.
I look at the sink. I want to look at Rachel.
I breathe in air. I want to breathe in Rachel.
I close my eyes. I only see Rachel.
I wash my hands. I want to touch Rachel.
I dry my hands on a towel before turning around to face her.
Her hands are gripping the counter behind her. Mine are
folded across my chest.
Theyre the worst parents in the world, she whispers.
Her voice cracks.
My heart cracks.
Despicable, I say to her.
She laughs.
Im not supposed to fall in love with your laugh, Rachel.
She sighs. I fall in love with that, too.
How long have they been seeing each other? I ask her.
Shell be honest.
She shrugs. About a year. Its been long-distance until she
moved us here to be closer to him.
I feel my mothers heart breaking.
We hate him.
A year? I ask. Are you sure?
She nods.
She doesnt know about my mother. I can tell.
Rachel?
I say her name out loud, just like Ive wanted to do since the
second I met her.
She continues to look directly at me. She swallows, then
breathes out a shallow Yeah?
I step toward her.
Her body reacts. She stands taller but not by much. She
breathes heavier but not by much. Her cheeks grow redder but
not by much.
Its all just enough.
My hand fits her waist. My eyes search hers.
They dont tell me no, so I do.
When my lips touch hers, its so many things. Its good and bad
and right and wrong and
revenge.
She inhales, stealing some of my breaths. I breathe into her,
giving her more. Our tongues touch and our guilt intertwines
and my fingers slide through the hair God made specifically
for her.
My new favorite flavor is Rachel.
My new favorite thing is Rachel.
I want Rachel for my birthday. I want Rachel for Christmas. I
want Rachel for graduation.
Rachel, Rachel, Rachel.
Im gonna fall in love with you anyway, Rachel.
The back door opens.
I release Rachel.
She releases me but only physically. I can still feel her in every
other way.
I look away from her, but everything is still Rachel.
Lisa walks into the kitchen. She looks happy.
She has a right to be happy. Shes not the one who died.
Lisa tells Rachel its time to go.
I tell them both goodbye, but my words are only for Rachel.
She knows this.
I finish the dishes.
I tell my father Lisa was nice.
I dont tell him I hate him yet. Maybe I never will. I dont
know what good it would do to let him know that I dont see
him the same way anymore.
Now hes just … normal. Human.
Maybe thats the rite of passage before you become a man
realizing your father doesnt have life figured out any more
than you do.
I go to my room. I take out my phone, and I text Rachel.
Me: What do we do about tomorrow night?
Rachel: We lie to them?
Me: Can you meet me at seven?
Rachel: Yes.
Me: Rachel?
Rachel: Yeah?
Me: Good night.
Rachel: Good night, Miles.
I turn off my phone, because I want that to be the last text I
receive for the night. I close my eyes.
Im falling, Rachel.
Chapter seven
TATE
Its been two weeks since Ive seen Miles but only two seconds since the last time Ive thought about him. He seems to work just as much as Corbin does, and while its nice to have the place to myself occasionally, its also nice when Corbin isnt working and theres actually someone to talk to. I would say its nice when Corbin and Miles are both off work, but that hasnt happened since Ive lived here.
Until now.
His dad is working, and hes off until Monday, Corbin says. I had no idea hed invited Miles to come back home with us for Thanksgiving until just now. Hes knocking on Miless apartment door. He doesnt have anything else to do.
Im pretty sure I nod after hearing those words, but I turn and walk straight toward the elevator. Im afraid that when Miles opens his door, my excitement over the fact that hes coming with us will be transparent.
Im on the elevator, at the far back wall, when they both step on. Miles finds me and nods, but thats all I get. The last time I spoke to him, I made things completely awkward between us, so I dont say a word. I also try not to stare at him, but its extremely difficult to focus on anything else. Hes casually dressed in a baseball cap, jeans, and a 49ers T-shirt. I think thats why I find him hard to look away from, though, because Ive always found guys more attractive when they put less effort into trying to appear attractive.