I close the shower curtain to hide what shes doing to me but
also to give her privacy while she undresses. I havent seen her
without her clothes on. Ive felt whats underneath them.
Im suddenly nervous.
She turns the light off.
Is that fine? she asks timidly. I say it is, but I wish she were
more confident. I need to make her more confident.
She opens the shower curtain, and I see one of her legs make
its way in first. I swallow when the rest of her body follows.
Luckily, theres just enough light from the night-light to cast a
faint glow over her.
I can see her enough.
I can see her perfectly.
Her eyes lock with mine again. She steps closer to me. I
wonder if shes ever shared a shower with anyone before, but
I dont ask her. I take a step toward her this time, because she
seems scared. I dont want her to be scared.
Im scared.
I touch her shoulders and guide her so that shes standing
under the water. I dont press myself against her, even though I
need to. I keep distance between us.
I have to.
The only things that connect are our mouths. I kiss her softly,
barely touching her lips, but it hurts so bad. It hurts worse than
any other kiss weve shared. Kisses where our mouths collide.
Our teeth collide. Frantic kisses that are so rushed theyre
sloppy. Kisses that end with me biting her lip or her biting
mine.
None of those kisses hurt like this one does, and I cant tell
why this one is hurting so much.
I have to pull back. I tell her to give me a minute, and she nods,
then rests her cheek against my chest. I lean back against the
wall and pull her with me while I keep my eyes closed tightly.
The words are once again attempting to break the barrier
Ive built up around them. Every time Im with her, they want
to come out, but I work and work to cement the wall that
surrounds them. She doesnt need to hear them.
I dont need to say them.
But theyre pounding on the walls. They always pound so hard
until all our kisses end up like this. Me needing a minute and
her giving me one. They need out now worse than ever before.
They need air. Theyre demanding to be heard.
Theres only so much pounding I can take before the walls
collapse.
There are only so many times my lips can touch hers without
the words spilling over the walls, breaking through the cracks,
traveling up my chest until Im holding her face, looking into
her eyes, allowing them to tear down all the barriers that stand
between us and the inevitable heartbreak.
The words come anyway.
I cant see anything, I tell her.
I know she doesnt know what Im talking about. I dont want
to elaborate, but the words come anyway. Theyve taken over.
When you move to Michigan and I stay in San Fran? I dont
see anything after that. I used to see whatever future I wanted,
but now I dont see anything.
I kiss the tear thats running down her cheek.
I cant do this, I tell her. The only thing I want to see is
you, and if I cant have that … nothing else is even worth it.
You make it better, Rachel. Everything. I kiss her hard on the
mouth, and it doesnt hurt at all this time, now that the words
are free. I love you, I tell her, freeing myself completely.
I kiss her again, not even giving her the chance to respond.
I dont need to hear her say the words to me until shes ready,
and I dont want to hear her tell me that the way I feel is
wrong.
Her hands are on my back, tugging, pulling me closer. Her legs
are wrapping around mine like shes trying to embed herself
inside me.
She already has.
Its frantic again. Teeth-crashing, lip-biting, hurried, rushed,
panting, touching.
Shes moaning, and I can feel her trying to pull from my
mouth, but my hand is wrapped in her hair, and Im covering
her mouth desperately, hoping shell never break for breath.
She makes me release her.
I drop my forehead to hers, gasping in an effort to keep my
emotions from spilling over the edge.
Miles, she says breathlessly. Miles, I love you. Im so scared.
I dont want us to end.
You love me, Rachel.
I pull back and look her in the eyes.
Shes crying.
I dont want her to be scared. I tell her itll be okay. I tell her
well wait until we graduate, then well tell them. I tell her
theyll have to be okay with it. Once were out of the house,
everything will be different. Everything will be good. Theyll
have to understand.
I tell her weve got this.
She nods feverishly.
Weve got this, she responds back, agreeing with me.
I press my forehead to hers. Weve got this, Rachel, I tell her.
I cant quit you now. No way.
She takes my face between her palms, and she kisses me.
You fell in love with me, Rachel.
Her kiss removes a weight from my chest that is so heavy I feel
like Im floating. I feel like shes floating with me.
I turn her until her back is against the wall.
I bring her arms above her head and link my fingers through
hers, pressing her hands into the tile wall behind her.
We look into each others eyes … and we completely shatter
rule number two.
Chapter thirteen
TATE
Thanks for making me go, Miles says to Corbin. Aside from another hand injury and finding out you thought I was g*y, I had a good time.
Corbin laughs and turns to unlock our door. Its not exactly my fault I assumed you were g*y. You never talk about girls, and youve apparently left sex off your schedule for six years straight.