Chapter eighteen
MILES
Six years earlier
I rub her back reassuringly. Two more minutes, I tell her.
She nods but keeps her face pressed into the palms of her
hands. She doesnt want to look.
I dont tell her we dont actually need the two minutes. I dont
tell her the results are already there, clear as day.
I dont tell Rachel shes pregnant yet, because she still has two
minutes left of hope.
I continue to rub her back. When the timer goes off, she
doesnt move. She doesnt turn to look at the results. I
drop my head to the side of hers until my mouth is close
to her ear.
Im so sorry, Rachel, I whisper. Im so, so sorry.
She bursts into tears.
My heart is crushed at the sound.
This is my fault. This is all my fault.
The only thing I can think to do now is figure out how to
rectify it.
I turn her toward me and wrap my arms around her. Ill tell
them you dont feel well and you cant go to school today. I
want you to stay here until I get back.
She doesnt even nod. She continues to cry, so I pick her
up and carry her to the bed. I go back to the bathroom and
package up the test, then hide it underneath the sink in the
very back. I rush to my room and change clothes.
I leave.
Im gone most of the day.
Im rectifying.
When I finally pull back up our driveway, I still have almost an
hour before my father and Lisa are due home. I grab everything
from my front seat and rush inside to check on her. I left my
phone behind in my rush this morning, so I havent had a way to
check on her at all, and Id be lying if I said it wasnt killing me.
I go inside.
I go to her door.
I attempt to turn it, but its locked.
I knock.
Rachel?
I hear movement. Something crashes against the door, and I
jump back. When I realize whats happened, I step forward
again and bang on the door. Rachel! I yell, frantic. Open the
door!
I hear her crying. Go away!
I take two steps back, then lunge forward and shove my
shoulder against the door as hard as I can. The door flies open,
and I rush inside. Rachel is curled up against the headboard,
crying into her hands. I reach her.
She pushes me away.
I walk back to her.
She slaps me, then scoots off the bed. She stands up, shoving
me back, pushing her palms against my chest. I hate you! she
screams through her tears. I grab her hands and try to calm her
down. It makes her angrier. Just leave! she yells. If you dont
want anything to do with me, just leave!
Her words stun me.
Rachel, stop, I plead. Im here. Im not going anywhere.
Her tears come harder now. She screams at me. She says I
left her. I put her in bed this morning, and I left her because I
couldnt handle it. I was disappointed in her.
I love you, Rachel. More than I love myself.
Baby, no, I tell her, pulling her to me. I didnt leave you. I
told you I was coming back.
I hate that she didnt understand why I left today.
I hate that I didnt explain it to her.
I walk her back to the bed, and I position her against the
headboard. Rachel, I say, touching her tear-stained cheek,
Im not disappointed in you, I tell her. Not in the least. Im
disappointed in myself. Which is why I want to do everything
I possibly can to turn this around for you. For us. Thats what
Ive been doing today. Ive been trying to find a way to make
this better for us.
I stand up and grab the folders, then spread them out on the
bed. I show her everything. I show her the brochures for
family housing I picked up from campus. I show her the forms
we need to fill out for free campus child care. I show her the
financial aid brochures and the night classes and the online
course review and the academic adviser list and how it will all
coordinate with my flight-class schedule. All the possibilities
are spread out before her, and I want her to see that even
though we didnt want this, even though we didnt plan for
this … we can do this.
I know itll be a lot harder with a baby, Rachel. I know that.
But its not impossible.
She stares down at everything Ive laid out before her. I watch
her in silence until her shoulders begin to shake and she covers
her mouth with her hand. She meets my gaze as huge tears
spill out of her eyes. She crawls forward and throws her arms
around my neck.
She tells me she loves me.
You love me so much, Rachel.
She kisses me over and over.
Weve got this, Miles, she whispers against my ear.
I nod and hug her back. Weve got this, Rachel.
Chapter nineteen
TATE
Its Thursday.
Game night.
Normally, the sound of their Thursday-night game gets under my skin. Tonight its music to my ears, knowing that Miles should be home. I have no idea what to expect from him or this arrangement weve got going on. I havent texted or spoken to him in the five days since hes been gone.
I know that with as much as Im thinking about him, I shouldnt be doing this. For something thats supposed to be a casual thing, its felt anything but casual. For me, its been extremely involved. Intense, even. Hes pretty much all Ive thought about since that night in the rain, and its quite pathetic that Im reaching for the doorknob to walk inside my apartment and my damn hand is shaking, knowing he might be in there.
I open the door to the apartment, and Corbin is the first to look up. He nods but doesnt even say hi. Ian waves from his seat on the couch, then looks back at the TV.