Oh, yeah, I murmur. So hot.
His hands are on me again, roaming across my back and down my arms. You would have loved me from the ages of thirteen to sixteen, he says. I failed at pretty much everything. Especially football.
I grin. Now were talking. Tell me more.
Baseball, he says, right before he presses his mouth to my neck. He kisses his way up to my ear. And one semester of world geography.
Holy shit. I moan. Now, thats hot.
He moves his lips to my mouth and pulls me in for a soft kiss. He barely touches his mouth to mine. I failed at kissing, too. Terribly. I almost choked a girl with my tongue once.
I laugh.
Want me to show you?
As soon as I nod, hes repositioning us on the couch until Im lying on my back and hes on top of me. Open your mouth.
I open it. He drops his mouth to mine and shoves his tongue inside, giving me what is quite possibly the worst kiss Ive ever experienced. I push against his chest, attempting to get his tongue out of my mouth, but he doesnt budge. I turn my face to the left, and he begins licking my cheek, causing me to laugh even harder.
Oh, my God, that was terrible, Miles!
He pulls his mouth away and lowers himself on top of me. I got better.
I nod. Thats a fact, I say, agreeing wholeheartedly.
Were both smiling. The relaxed look on his face fills me with so many emotions I cant even begin to classify them. Im happy, because were having fun together. Im sad, because were having fun together. Im angry, because were having fun together and it makes me want so much more of this. So much more of him.
We quietly stare at each other, until he slowly dips his head, pressing a long kiss against my lips. He begins placing soft kisses all over my mouth until the kisses become longer and more intense. His tongue eventually parts my lips, and the playfulness disappears.
Its quite serious now, as our kisses grow more hurried and his clothes begin to join mine on the floor, piece by piece.
The couch or your bed? he whispers.
Both, I reply.
He obliges.
I fell asleep in my bed.
Next to Miles.
Neither of us has ever fallen asleep afterward before. One of us always leaves. As much as Im trying to convince myself that it means nothing, I know it does. Every time were together, I get a little bit more of him. Whether its a glimpse of his past or time spent without the sex or even time spent sleeping, hes giving me more and more of himself, little by little. I feel like this is both good and bad. Its good, because I want and need so much more of him, so every little bit I get is enough to satisfy me when I begin worrying about everything I dont get from him. But its also bad, because every time I get a little bit more of him, another part of him grows more distant. I can see it in his eyes. Hes worried hes giving me hope, and Im afraid hell eventually just pull away completely.
Everything with Miles will come crashing down.
Its inevitable. Hes so adamant about the things he doesnt want out of life, and Im starting to understand just how serious he is. So as much as I try to protect my heart from him, its pointless. Hes going to break it eventually, yet I continue to allow him to fill it. Every time Im with him, he fills my heart up more and more, and the more its filled with pieces of him, the more painful itll be when he rips it out of my chest as though it never belonged there in the first place.
I hear the vibration of his phone and feel him roll over and reach for it on the nightstand next to him. He thinks Im asleep, so I dont give him reason to think otherwise.
Hey, he whispers. Theres a long pause, and I start to panic internally, wondering who hes talking to. Yeah, Im sorry. I should have called you. I figured youd be asleep.
My heart is in my throat now, crawling its way up, trying to escape from Miles and me and this entire situation. My heart knows by my reaction to this phone call that its in trouble. My heart has just gone into fight-or-flight mode, and right now, its doing everything it can to run.
I dont blame my heart one bit.
Love you, too, Dad.
My heart slides back down my throat and finds its normal home in my chest again. Its happy for now. Im happy. Happy that he actually does have someone to call.
In the same moment, Im also reminded of how little I know about him. How little he shows me. How much he hides himself from me, so that when I finally break, it wont be his fault.
It wont be a quick break, either. Itll be slow and painful, filled with so many moments like these that tear me up from the inside out. Moments when he thinks Im asleep and he slides out of my bed. Moments when I keep my eyes closed but listen as he puts on his clothes. Moments when I make sure my breathing remains regular in case hes watching me when he leans over to kiss me on the forehead.
Moments when he leaves.
Because he always leaves.
Chapter twenty-eight
MILES
Six years earlier
What if he turns out to be g*y? Rachel asks me. Would that
bother you?
Shes holding Clayton, and were both sitting on the hospital
bed. Im on the foot of the bed facing her, watching her stare
at him.
She keeps asking me random questions. Playing devils
advocate again.
She says we need to work these things out now so we dont run
into any parenting issues in the future.
It would only bother me if he felt like he couldnt talk to us
about it. I want him to know he can talk to us about anything.
Rachel smiles at Clayton, but I know her smile is for me.
Because she loved my answer.
What if he doesnt believe in God? she asks.
He can believe whatever he wants. I just want his beliefsor