He sees me for exactly who I am.
I dont see him at all.
I quickly bring a hand up and wipe away a tear that somehow just escaped down my cheek. The absolute last thing I want is for him to see me cry. As much as I know Im too far gone to continue treating this as casual sex, Im also too far gone to stop it. Im terrified to lose him for good, so I sell myself short and take what I can from him, even though I know I deserve better.
Miles places a hand on my shoulder and turns me around to face him. When I choose to stare down at the water instead, he hooks a finger under my chin and makes me look up at him. I allow him to tilt my face up to his, but I dont make eye contact. I look up and to the right, attempting to blink back the tears.
Im sorry.
I dont even know what hes apologizing for. I dont even know if he knows what hes apologizing for. But we both know my tears have everything to do with him, so hes more than likely just apologizing for that simple reason alone. Because he knows hes incapable of giving me what I want.
He stops making me look at him and instead pulls me to his chest. I rest my ear against his heart, and he rests his chin on top of my head.
Do you think we should stop? he asks quietly. His voice is fearful, like hes hoping my answer is no, yet he feels compelled to ask me anyway.
No, I whisper.
He sighs heavily. It sounds like it could be a sigh of relief, but Im not sure. If I ask you something, will you be honest with me?
I shrug, because theres no way Im answering that with a yes until I hear his question first.
Are you still doing this with me because you think Ill change my mind? Because you think theres a chance Ill fall in love with you?
Thats the only reason Im still doing this, Miles.
I dont say that out loud, though. I dont say anything.
Because I cant, Tate. I just … His voice fades away, and he grows quiet. I analyze his words and the fact that he said I cant rather than I wont. I want to ask him why he cant. Is he scared? Is it because Im not right for him? Is he afraid hell break my heart? I dont ask him, because none of his answers to these questions would reassure me. None of these scenarios is reason enough to absolutely deny a heart happiness.
Which is why I dont question him, because I feel like maybe Im not prepared for the truth. Maybe Im underestimating whatever it was that happened in his past to make him this way. Because something happened. Something I more than likely couldnt relate to, even if I found out what it was. Something that stole the spirit right out of him, just like Cap said.
His arms pull me in tighter, and the hold he has on me speaks volumes. Its more than an embrace. More than a hug. Hes holding me like hes terrified Id drown if he were to release me.
Tate, he whispers. I know Ill regret saying this, but I want you to hear it. He pulls back just enough for his lips to meet my hair, then grips me tightly again. If I were capable of loving someone … it would be you. My heart cracks with his words, and I feel the hope seep in and leak right back out again. But Im not capable. So if its too hard
Its not, I interrupt, doing whatever I can to stop him from ending this. I somehow find it in me to look him in the eyes and tell the best lie Ive ever told in my whole life. I like things exactly how they are.
He knows Im lying. I can see the doubt in his concerned eyes, but he nods anyway. I try to get his mind off of it before he sees right through me. I wrap my arms loosely around his neck, but his attention is pulled to the door, which is now opening. I turn, too, and see Cap slowly shuffling his way onto the rooftop deck. He walks toward the switch on the wall that turns off the jets to the hot tub. He flips it off and slowly turns back toward the door but not before noticing us out of the corner of his eye. He turns and faces us full on, standing no more than five feet away.
That you, Tate? he says, squinting.
Its me, I say, still in the same position with Miles.
Hmm, Cap says, taking us both in. Anyone ever told the two of you that you make a pretty darn good-looking couple?
I wince, because I know this isnt the best moment for Miles to hear that, especially after the awkward conversation we just had. I also know what Cap is up to with that comment.
Well shut the lights off when we leave, Cap, Miles says, ignoring Caps question and redirecting the conversation.
Cap narrows his eyes at him, shakes his head as though hes disappointed, and begins to turn back to the door. It was a rhetorical question anyway, he mumbles. I see his hand go up to his forehead, and he salutes the air in front of him. Good night, Tate, he says loudly.
Good night, Cap.
Miles and I both watch until the door closes behind Cap. I pull my hands away from his neck and gently push against his chest until he steps back in order for me to make my way around him. I swim backward toward the other side of the pool.
Why are you always so rude to him? I ask.
Miles lowers himself in the water, parting his arms in front of him and kicking off the wall behind him. He swims toward me, and I watch as his eyes remain focused on mine. I swim backward until my back is against the opposite wall of the pool. He continues toward me, almost crashing into me, but he stops himself by gripping the ledge on both sides of my head, sending waves of water against my chest.
Im not rude to him. His lips meet my neck, and he kisses it softly, trailing slowly upward until his mouth is close to my ear. I just dont like answering questions.
I think weve established that already.
I pull my neck away a few inches in order to see his face. I try to focus on his eyes, but there are drops of water on his lips, and its hard not to stare. Hes an old man, though. Youre not supposed to be rude to old people. And hes pretty damn funny, if youd just get to know him.