Youve got this, Miles, I say, repeating the same words he used to comfort me with. Youve got this.
He laughs, and its as if I can feel some of the heaviness lift away from him.
You know what I was most afraid of tonight? he asks. I was afraid that when I got here, youd be just like me. He brushes my hair back and smiles. Im so happy youre not. It makes me feel good to see you happy.
He pulls me to him and hugs me tightly. Thank you, Rachel, he whispers. He kisses me gently on the cheek before releasing me to stand up. I should probably go now. I have a million things I want to tell her.
He makes his way down the hallway toward the living room, then turns to face me one last time. I no longer see all the sad parts of him. Now I just see a calmness when I look in his eyes.
Rachel? He pauses, watching me quietly for a moment. A peaceful smile slowly spreads across his face. Im so proud of you.
He disappears from the hallway, and I remain on the floor until I hear the front door close behind him.
Im proud of you, too, Miles.
Chapter thirty-eight
TATE
I close the door to my car and walk to the stairs leading up to the second floor of my apartment complex. Im relieved not to have to use the elevator anymore, but I cant help but miss Cap a little bit, even if his advice didnt make a whole lot of sense to me the majority of the time. It was nice just having him there to vent to. Ive been keeping myself busy with work and school, trying to stay focused, but its been hard.
Ive been in my new apartment for two weeks now, and even though I wish I were alone, I never am. Every time I walk in through my front door, Miles is still everywhere. Hes still in everything, and I keep waiting until hes not. I keep waiting for the day when it will hurt less. When I wont miss him as much.
I would say my heart is broken, but its not. I dont think it is. Actually, I wouldnt know, because my heart hasnt been in my chest since I left it lying in front of his apartment the day I told him goodbye.
I tell myself to take it one day at a time, but its so much easier said than done. Especially when those days turn into nights, and I have to lie in my bed alone, listening to the silence.
The silence was never so loud until I told Miles goodbye.
Im already dreading opening my apartment door, and Im not even halfway up the stairwell yet. I can already tell this night isnt going to be any different from all the other nights since Miles. I reach the top of the stairs and turn left toward my apartment, but my feet stop working.
My legs stop working.
I can feel the thumping of a heart somewhere in my chest again for the first time in two weeks.
Miles?
He doesnt move. Hes sitting on the floor in front of my apartment, propped up against the door. I walk slowly toward him, not sure what to make of his appearance. Hes not in uniform. Hes casually dressed, and the stubble on his face proves he hasnt worked in a few days. Theres also what looks like a fresh bruise under his right eye. Im scared to wake him up, because if hes as belligerent as he was the first time I met him, I dont want to deal with it. But once again, theres no way I can get around him and inside my apartment without waking him up.
I look up and inhale a deep breath, wondering what to do. Im afraid if I wake him up, Ill cave. Ill let him inside, and Ill give him what hes here for, which definitely isnt the part of me I want to give him.
Tate, he says. I look down at him, and hes awake now, pulling himself up, watching me nervously. I take a step back once hes standing, because I forgot how tall he is. How much he becomes everything when hes standing right in front of me.
How long have you been here? I ask him.
He glances down to the cell phone in his hand. Six hours. He looks back up at me. I need to use your restroom pretty bad.
I want to laugh, but I cant remember how.
I turn to my door, and he steps out of the way for me to unlock it.
My trembling hand pushes open the door to my apartment, and I walk inside, then point to the hallway. On the right.
I dont look back at him while he walks in that direction. I wait until the bathroom door closes, and I fall onto the couch and bury my face in my hands.
I hate that hes here. I hate that I let him in without question. I hate that as soon as he walks out of the bathroom, Im going to have to make him leave. But I just cant do this to myself anymore.
Im still trying to gather myself when the bathroom door opens and he walks back into the living room. I look up at him and cant look away.
Something is different.
Hes different.
The smile on his face … the peacefulness in his eyes … the way he carries himself like hes floating.
Its only been two weeks, but he looks so different.
He takes a seat on the couch and doesnt even bother putting space between us. He sits right next to me and leans into me, so I close my eyes and wait for whatever words hes about to say that will hurt me again. Thats all he knows how to do.
Tate, he whispers. I miss you.
Whoa.
I was absolutely not expecting to hear those three words, but they just became my new favorite words.
I and miss and you.
Say it again, Miles.
I miss you, Tate, he says immediately. So much. And its not the first time. Ive missed you every single day we werent together since the moment I met you.
He wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me to him.
I go.
I fall to his chest and grab hold of his shirt, squeezing my eyes shut when I feel his lips press against the top of my head.
Look at me, he says softly, pulling me onto his lap to face him.