Nikolai glares. “I’m fine.” He growled those words.
Timo switches the song to “You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch.” He’s too amused by this.
“Let’s talk,” I tell Nik, grabbing his hand. I just hope I find the right things to say.
He follows me towards his bedroom, and Timo calls out in a sing-song voice, “You’ve got garlic in your soul! I wouldn’t touch you with a—”
I shut the door.
Nik sets the beer on the dresser. He waits for me to speak since I dragged him in here.
“I know you’re upset, but nothing has happened yet…” I trail off as his gaze narrows and jaw muscles twitch.
Cold sweeps me, even with hot air blowing from the vents.
After a long moment, he finally says, “It’s hard enough accepting the idea that I may lose you to your career, but now I may lose you to Shay and to the same fucking show that split apart my family.”
The connection between the original Somnio and the revival next year puts a pit in my stomach. I tread lightly over that and say, “Shay and I aren’t together.”
His shoulders lock. “It doesn’t matter, Thora. He’ll be with you, close to you, able to see you every single day. Able to hold your hand and touch your face.” He grimaces, hurt flashing at the image and puncturing me. “I don’t care if it’s friendly…The thought of him even five feet near you while I’m an ocean away…” He has to drop his gaze from me. “I am just trying to process this.”
A weight bears on my chest. “Whatever happens, just know…” And I can’t say the words. They’re stuck in my throat. They won’t come out. Say it, Thora.
He stares down at me, waiting. I always pause. And he rarely fills the silence with his own voice. He just looks so deeply into me and gives me time to find the right thing…
“I’m in love with you,” I whisper.
He tries to smile but his eyes flood instead. “Don’t love me more than your dreams, myshka. Because I love you too much to let you give them up for me.”
It feels like a snowplow has rolled over my body, fracturing every bone. “I’m going to choose the circus,” I say in a shaky voice, “but it won’t change my feelings for you.”
“You’ll always remember me then,” he says softly with a weaker smile. “I’m happy to be a chapter in your life.”
Tears fall when I blink. “Don’t say that. You don’t know what’s going to happen.”
“Try your best at the auditions. If you don’t, you’d hate yourself for it. And I’d be disappointed in you.”
“Nik—”
“It’s okay,” he says, convincing himself. He grabs his beer. “I’m okay. We follow our passions. That’s what we’re made to do.”
I shift uneasily, having trouble responding.
He rakes a hand through his messy hair. “I’m going to take a shower.”
I nod, watching him walk tensely across the room, finishing the last of his beer.
I never thought saying I love you, out loud, for the first time would hurt so much. And strangely, I don’t want to take it back.
I know that I can still love him and choose the contract. But the reality is less sweet than it was before. Nikolai spelled it out. If I’m with him, I’m not in the circus. If I’m in the circus, I’m not with him.
Either way, I lose.
Act Forty-Five
“Thank you all for being here,” Helen says, a clipboard perched beneath her arm. Her phone buzzes and she takes a moment to read a message.
There are about a hundred wannabe artists, sitting along the blue mats as we wait for instruction. First cuts were last week, and we’re all that’s left.
Shay leans into my arm and whispers, “We have to be working on the apparatuses today.”
I nod. “You’re probably right.” We already danced—did improv acting—kind of like my first auditions for Amour. I’m happy to have at least passed that part again. I keep cracking my knuckles, a nervous habit.
I look up, half-hoping to see Nikolai sitting with the row of directors and choreographers. To give me that single nod like you’re doing well, myshka.
He’s not here. I see wrinkled foreheads as men and women try to pick the best cast for each show. So that it’ll make the most money. I can’t tell whether they look at me and see dollar signs.
I can only hope that I’m more than just background. After months of training, I know there’s nothing more I can do.
Helen pockets her cell. “We have fourteen spots to fill for Somnio, two for Infini and one for Viva.”
Infini and Viva mean that I stay in Vegas.
Somnio means I travel far, far away from Nikolai.
I inhale strongly, trying to push these thoughts out.
“We’re going to test you on multiple disciplines. We’re looking for stand-out performers,” Helen explains. “Those who catch our eye will be awarded a one-year contract. At the end of the year, we’ll either ask you to renew or to leave us.” There’s not much time to digest the rest of the facts. She adds, “We’re splitting everyone up in groups of five. When I call your number, please come forward.”
I press my hand to the number 29, stuck to my black leotard, just to ensure it’s still there. That I’m still in the running.
Before Helen speaks again, I remember what Nikolai told me this morning. I was pulling my dirty-blonde hair into a tight pony while he sat on the edge of the bed.
He said, “All you need is luck. The rest, you’ll do great at.”
I smiled. “Is that my trainer speaking?”
“Yes,” he said, “but you’d probably think it’s a problem.”
I hesitated, “Why’s that?”
He stood up, towering above me with those intense grays. “Your trainer is in love with you.”
I don’t have a problem with it, not even a little bit. Nikolai is brutally honest, and he’d tell me if I sucked. He wouldn’t watch me fall flat on my face and fail. I trust his words.
I just need some luck today.
“Twenty-nine,” Helen calls.
With one last motivational breath, I rise to my feet.
Act Forty-Six
“I didn’t think you could ever do that,” Shay tells me, taking a swig from his water bottle. I wipe my forehead with my towel. The directors have been in deliberation for the past thirty minutes, so we’re all just waiting on the mats again.
“Was I okay?” I wonder, even though I know I did my personal best. They made me climb a Chinese pole, which I’d worked on with Nikolai, and I performed several drops and poses on aerial silk. I didn’t think too hard about the movements. I tried to relax my face and just follow the music.
I felt stronger. Better. More graceful.
I’m just crossing my fingers that they thought so too.
“You were awesome.” He sounds genuine. “Like I said, I never thought you could do that.”
It makes me realize how far I’ve come since the start. “You nailed that full twisting layout,” I mention. They harnessed everyone for the Russian swing, just for safety. But Shay started with some of the hardest tricks, and he landed almost all of them.
“Yeah, I got the feel of the swing pretty fast,” he says. “But I tripped up on the double.”