Again that pit opens in my stomach. A part of me is tempted to hide all day in the bathroom, but I can’t.
I know you know what happens next. That I get to chem late. That I take the last seat next to Lauren Lornet. That Mr. Tierney passes out a quiz with three questions on it.
The worst part of it? I’ve seen the quiz before and I still don’t know the answers.
I ask to borrow a pen. Lauren starts whispering to me; she wants to know if it’s working okay. Mr. Tierney’s book comes down with a bang.
Everyone jumps but me.
Class. Bell. Class. Bell.
Crazy. I’m going crazy.
By the time the roses get delivered in math class my hands are shaking. I take a deep breath before I open the little laminated card attached to the rose Rob sent me. I imagine it will say something incredible, something surprising, something that will make everything better.
You’re beautiful, Sam.
I’m so happy to be with you.
Sam, I love you.
I lift the corner of the card gently and peek inside.
Luv y—
I close the card quickly and put it in my bag.
“Wow. It’s beautiful.”
I look up. The girl dressed like an angel is standing there, staring at the rose she’s just laid on my desk: pink and cream petals swirled together like ice cream. She still has her hand outstretched and tiny blue veins crisscross her skin like a web.
“Take a picture. It’ll last longer,” I snap at her. She blushes as red as the roses she’s holding and stammers out an apology.
I don’t bother reading the note that’s attached to this one, and for the rest of class I keep my eyes glued to the blackboard to avoid any sign from Kent. I’m concentrating so hard on not looking at him I almost miss it when Mr. Daimler winks at me and smiles.
Almost.
After class Kent catches up with me, holding the pink-and-cream rose, which I’d deliberately left on my desk.
“You forgot this,” he says. As always his hair is flopping over one eye. “It’s okay, you can say it: I’m amazing.”
“I didn’t forget it.” I’m struggling not to look at him. “I didn’t want it.”
I sneak a glance at him and see his smile fade for a second. Then it’s back on full-force, like a friggin’ laser beam.
“What do you mean?” He tries to pass it to me. “Didn’t anybody ever tell you that the more roses you get on Cupid Day, the more popular you are?”
“I don’t think I need any help in that department. Especially from you.”
His smile definitely drops then. Part of me hates what I’m doing, but all I can think of is the memory—or dream—or whatever it is—when he leans in and I think he’s going to kiss me, I’m sure of it, but instead he whispers, I see right through you.
You don’t know me. You don’t know anything about me.
Thank God.
I dig my nails into my palms.
“I never said the rose was from me,” he says. His voice is so low and serious it startles me. I meet his eyes; they’re bright green. I remember when I was little my mom used to say that God mixed the grass and Kent’s eyes from the same color.
“Yeah, well. It’s pretty obvious.” I just want him to stop looking at me like that.
He takes a deep breath. “Look. I’m having a party tonight—”
That’s when I see Rob loping into the cafeteria. Normally I would wait for him to notice me, but today I can’t.
“Rob!” I yell out.
He turns and sees me, gives me half a wave, and starts to turn around again.
“Rob! Wait!” I take off down the hallway. I’m not exactly running—Lindsay, Ally, Elody, and I made a pact years ago never to run on school grounds, not even in gym class (let’s face it: sweating and huffing aren’t exactly attractive)—but it’s a close call.
“Whoa, Slamster. Where’s the fire?”
Rob puts his arms around me and I bury my nose in his fleece. It smells a little like old pizza—not the best smell, especially when it’s mixed with lemon balm—but I don’t care. My legs are shaking so badly I’m afraid they’ll give out. I just want to stand there forever, holding on to him.
“I missed you,” I say into his chest.
For a second his arms tense around me. But when he tilts my face up toward his, he’s smiling.
“Did you get my Valogram?” he asks.
I nod. “Thanks.” My throat is tight and I’m worried I’ll start to cry. It feels so good to have his arms around me, like he’s the only thing holding me up. “Listen, Rob. About tonight—”
I’m not even sure what I’m going to say, but he cuts me off.
“Okay. What is it now?”
I pull back just a little bit so I can look at him. “I—I want to…I’m just—things are all crazy today. I think I might be sick or—or something else.”
He laughs and pinches my nose with two fingers. “Oh, no. You’re not getting out of this one.” He puts his forehead to mine and whispers, “I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time.”
“I know, me too….” I’ve imagined it so many times: the way the moon will be dipping past the trees and coming through the windows and lighting up triangles and squares on the walls; the way his fleece blanket will feel against my bare skin when I take my clothes off.
And then I’ve imagined the moment afterward, after Rob has kissed me and told me he loved me and fallen asleep with his mouth just parted and I sneak off to the bathroom and text Elody and Lindsay and Ally.