‘Not at all,’ she replied. ‘You won’t have to deal with drunk frat boys and hormonal, gossiping girls. It’s ideal. Now, I’ll just sign your name here, and we can –’
‘Don’t,’ I said quickly. I could feel her surprise, could see her on the other end of the phone, pen in hand, eyebrows raised. ‘I mean, I’m not really sure I want to live there.’
Silence. Then, ‘Auden. I don’t think you understand how distracting it can be to live in a dorm environment. There are people who come to college purely for the social life. Do you really want to be stuck in a room with someone like that?’
‘No,’ I said. ‘But I don’t want to spend every single second studying either.’
‘Oh.’ Her voice was flat. ‘I suppose this is part of your blossoming, then? Suddenly school isn’t important anymore, just boys and girlfriends and clothes?’
‘Of course not. But –’
A sigh, loud, filling my ear. ‘I should have known spending the summer with Heidi would do this to you,’ she said. ‘I spend eighteen years teaching you about the importance of taking yourself seriously, and in a matter of weeks you’re wearing pink bikinis and totally boy crazy.’
‘Mom,’ I said, my voice rising. ‘This isn’t about Heidi.’
‘No,’ she shot back. ‘It’s about your sudden lack of drive and focus. How could you let yourself get this way?’
Hearing this, I had a flash of my dad, attributing all I’d done to the name he’d chosen for me. All the good was their doing; the bad, mine. I bit my lip. ‘I haven’t changed,’ I told her. ‘This is just me.’
Silence. And I knew, within it, that the fact this might be true was worse than any frat boy or pink bikini ever could be.
‘Well, I’ll just stick this in the mail.’ She drew in a breath, stiff, formal. ‘You make your own decision.’
I swallowed. ‘Okay.’
For a moment, neither of us said anything, and I wondered what could possibly follow this. How we could come back from such an impasse, this huge expanse stretching between us. There were a million different ways, I was sure, but my mom surprised me by not choosing any of them. Instead, she hung up, leaving me with a simple click, the last word, and no idea where to go from here.
Apparently, conflict was contagious, or at least in the air. When I left my room about twenty minutes later to head to work, Thisbe’s waves had stopped, and another steady noise was coming from her room: the sound of bickering.
‘Of course you deserve a night out,’ my father was saying. ‘I’m just not sure tonight is the right one, is all I’m saying.’
‘Why not?’ Heidi asked. I could hear Thisbe making noises in the background. ‘I’ll be back for the nine o’clock feeding, the baby’s just had a nap…’
‘Nine o’clock!
It’s only five thirty right now!’
‘Robert, we’re having cocktails and dinner.’
‘Where? Istanbul?’ my dad said. ‘There’s no way that will take three and a half hours.’
There was a prolonged silence. I didn’t have to peek inside to imagine the look on Heidi’s face. Finally my dad said, ‘Honey, I want you to go have fun. But it’s been a long time since I’ve been alone with a newborn for that long, and I just…’
‘She’s not a newborn. She’s your daughter.’ Thisbe sputtered, as if agreeing with this. ‘You’ve raised two lovely children. You can do this. Now go ahead and take her so I can go finish getting ready.’
I heard my dad start to say something, but then the door was opening, and I darted out of sight. Not fast enough, though.
‘Auden?’ he called out. ‘Could you –’
‘No, she can’t,’ Heidi said over her shoulder. Then she nudged me forward. ‘Keep walking. He’s fine.’
When we got to the stairs, I turned to look at her. Instead of the Heidi I’d gotten used to seeing, clad in sweats and a ponytail, dark circles perennially under her eyes, this was a different woman entirely. Her hair was sleek, her makeup done, and she was wearing dark jeans, heels, and a fitted black top, a silver necklace with a key studded with red stones around her neck. This I recognized: we’d just gotten them in at the store the previous week, and they were already selling like hotcakes.
‘Wow,’ I said. ‘You look great.’
‘You think?’ She glanced down at herself. ‘It’s been so long since I could wear this stuff I didn’t even know if it would fit. I guess stress does burn a lot of calories, after all.’
Down the hall, I could hear Thisbe beginning to fuss. Heidi looked over, then turned on her heel, walking to her bedroom. I followed her to the doorway, leaning against it as she picked up her purse from the bed.
‘So I have to say,’ I said as she rummaged around, finally pulling out a lip gloss, ‘you sure seem different all of a sudden. And it’s not just the clothes.’
Thisbe was really crying now. Heidi bit her lip, then uncapped the gloss, putting some on. ‘You’re right,’ she said. ‘I just… I’ve realized over the last couple of weeks that I needed to take some time for myself. We’ve talked about it a lot, actually.’
‘You and Dad?’
‘Me and Karen.’
‘Really,’ I said.
She nodded, dropping the gloss back in the bag. ‘Ever since the baby was born I’ve been so hesitant to ask your dad for any help. I’m so used to doing everything myself, and it wasn’t like he was really offering much.’