"Kyo!" One of his friends laughed. "You are too bad."
Vanda sipped her Blissky and grimaced. "Ugh."
"Sorry," Phil murmured. "You're supposed to look like you're drowning your sorrows."
Phineas approached them, talking on his cell phone. "Yeah. Okay, bro. Way to go." He snapped his phone shut and sat at the table with them. "That was Gregori. He's at DVN, pretending to be arranging a new commercial for Vampire Fusion Cuisine, and he let it drop a few times that Vanda was here wallowing in self-pity."
Vanda scoffed. "I don't wallow."
"It's all part of the act, sweetness," Phineas whispered. "Any second now the news will reach Corky."
"And she'll want to show me wallowing on her show," Vanda grumbled. She took another sip of Blissky and made a face.
Phineas frowned. "Sweetness, you don't look very drunk."
"I'm not. And if you call me 'sweetness' one more time, I'll cram my whip down your throat."
Phineas raised his hands in surrender. "Dudette, I'm just saying that I have some experience in matters of extreme intoxication. First of all, you need to look like you're enjoying that Blissky. Let me show you." He grabbed her glass and guzzled down half the contents.
He slammed the glass down and thumped the table. "Damn, that's good. Now, secondly, you need to look intoxicated. Slouch over in your chair and leave your mouth hanging open."
Vanda arched a brow at him.
Phil noticed the bartender answering the phone. A short bald man appeared, teleporting in with a small camera. Corky's spy, the same guy Phil had spotted in her office a few nights ago. The man scurried off to a nearby booth.
"Showtime," Phil whispered. "Corky's spy is here."
"Where?" Vanda turned her head.
"Don't look," Phil growled.
She gazed at him, her eyes wide with worry. "What now?"
"You do your anger thing," Phineas said. When Vanda did nothing, he added, "Sweetness."
She frowned at him.
"I bet you just hated watching your club burn to the ground," Phineas continued. "I bet it made you really mad."
She took a sip of Blissky.
Phineas leaned closer. "I bet it filled you with uncontrollable rage."
She gave him a bland look. "I know what you're doing."
Phineas huffed. "Do something, Phil. Insult her. Make her mad."
Phil shrugged. "Nothing comes to mind. I think she's...perfect."
She gave Phil an angelic smile. "Thank you."
"Oh come on." Phineas glared at them. "Can't you two have a lovers' quarrel? Is the camera on us?"
Phil glanced at the booth where the short bald man was sitting. His camera was aimed right at them. "Yes, it is."
Phineas smirked at Vanda. "You know, you really shouldn't wear those catsuits. The camera adds ten pounds."
She gave him an annoyed look. "You guys talked me into being a sitting duck, but I didn't agree to be a trained monkey."
"Dammit, woman," Phineas snarled. "Everyone knows you're crazy. Start acting like it!"
Vanda shrugged. "Sticks and stones."
Phineas glowered at Phil. "What kind of anger management sponsor are you?"
"A successful one, apparently."
"Shit," Phineas muttered. He glanced at the Japanese vampire tourists and his eyes lit up. He reached under the table, then heaved it at the Japanese Vamps.
The table crashed on top of the tourists, sloshing them with spilled Blissky and beer. They jumped up, hollering in shock and outrage.
Phineas leaped to his feet, giving Vanda an appalled look. "Vanda! Why'd you do it?"
"What?" She stood.
Phineas slapped a hand against his brow. "You can't attack these people just because you hate Naruto!"
"Who?" Vanda asked.
"She hate Naruto?" The tourist named Kyo glared at Vanda, his face turning red.
"You ruined my shirt!" A second tourist wiped at the Blissky stains on his red silk shirt. He glowered at Vanda. "You evil woman."
"Hey, she did you a favor," Phineas yelled. "That shirt belongs on a woman."
The tourist gasped.
"She has insulted your honor, Yoshi," Kyo declared. "And she insults Naruto's honor."
"Hai!" All three Japanese vampires assumed attack poses.
"What the hell?" Vanda jumped back and quickly untied the whip from around her waist.
Phil glanced at Corky's cameraman. He was still recording. They would have to fight.
The Japanese charged with an impressive series of kicks and spins. Yoshi kicked at Vanda, but she managed to dodge it. She snapped her whip at him, and he backed up.
Kyo came after Phil, but he'd had enough martial arts training to block all the kicks and punches. He quickly discovered that a kick aimed at Kyo's expensive digital camera would always make the tourist jump back.
Still, he knew they needed to put on a show for Corky. Phil slung a chair at Kyo, purposely missing him and shattering the chair on top of a table. Customers screamed and ran from the building. Others stayed and laid bets.
Finally, the cameraman vanished. Phil assumed he had a deadline to keep in order to get the video on Corky's show. Live with the Undead was due to start in fifteen minutes.
"All right!" Phil shouted. "The show's over."
Phineas and Vanda stopped fighting. The Japanese Vamps stood there, panting, with confused looks on their faces.
"Congratulations!" Phineas grinned at them. "You guys just got punked. You'll be on a TV show."
"What?" Kyo glanced at the television. The Nightly News was still on. "We American movie stars now?"
"Television stars," Phineas corrected him. "You're going to be famous. And dudes, we love Naruto."
"Who's Naruto?" Vanda whispered.
"Let me buy you some drinks," Phil offered.
Ten minutes later Phil, Vanda, and Phineas were sharing a table with their new friends: Kyo, Yoshi, and Yuki. Robby, Zoltan, and Dougal came over to introduce themselves and congratulate them on their fine martial arts skills. Colbert and his men introduced themselves and gave the tourists more compliments on their fighting. Colbert paid the club manager for the damages, then bought everyone a round of Blisskys.
When Corky Courrant's show came on, the bartender turned up the volume. The jazz band and all the customers settled down to watch the show, Live with the Undead.
"Greeting, dear viewers." Corky smiled grimly at the camera. "Tonight we have shocking news. As you know, last night we showed you the utter destruction of Vanda Barkowski's notorious nightclub here in New York City."
Half the screen displayed the burned and charred remains of Vanda's club.
Phil patted her leg in sympathy underneath the table.
"It's no secret that I was celebrating last night while Vanda's club was burning," Corky continued. "But I must confess that I had nothing to do with it. It was simply a matter of divine justice. Now, we had thought Vanda had died a horrible death in the explosion. Indeed, everyone hoped and prayed that she was dead, but tonight, in late-breaking news, we can confirm that Vanda Barkowski is still alive!"
A picture of Vanda flashed on the screen.
"Ah, Vanda." The Japanese bowed to her. "You are famous celebrity."
She groaned and shook her head.
"You see, dear friends," Corky continued, "I have exclusive footage that proves Vanda is still alive. And not only is she still breathing, but she's engaging once again in disgusting and violent behavior! Just moments ago my operative filmed this scene at the Vampire Blues club in New Orleans. Vanda was there, so drunk and disorderly that she attacked three unsuspecting tourists from Japan!"
The video played. The Japanese cheered.
"We're famous!" Yuki shouted.
"Brisskys for everyone!" Kyo yelled.
Phil stood. "Guys, I hate to break up the party, but we need you to leave. We're expecting trouble any minute now."
"Trouble?" Kyo asked. "What kind of trouble?"
Yuki lifted his chin. "We do not run from trouble."
"Dudes, the Malcontents are coming," Phineas explained. "They want to kill Vanda."
Kyo jumped to his feet. "No one kills Vanda."
"We will fight!" Yoshi punched the air with his fist.