"Is that good or bad?" Jackson asked.
"It's good, I think. Better to figure out what I want now than have a mid-life crisis in twenty years."
We were interrupted by the waiter who brought our drinks and took our order. The amount of courses we had to choose from was a little daunting, but Jackson assured me that the portion sizes were small.
"To being young at heart," Jackson said after the waiter had left, holding his glass up for a toast.
I clinked my glass with his, laughing. "I think we're a little too young to be making a toast like that. We're not just young at heart. We're young, period."
Jackson grinned. "You forget, I'm two years your senior. You'd be amazed by the amount of wisdom I've gained in just two years."
"I'll keep that in mind," I said smiling.
"So why did you feel like you had your life mapped out for you?" Jackson asked, taking a sip of his drink. "Does it have anything to do with the ex-boyfriend Claire mentioned at Max's?"
The last thing I expected Jackson to do was bring up Sean. I didn't even think Claire's mention of him last Sunday had registered. Obviously, Jackson assumed that I had meant ex-boyfriend when I had said ex.
"Kind of," I said, fiddling around with my glass. I looked up at Jackson with a small smile. "We were together a long time and everyone expected us to end up together, including me."
"So what changed?" Jackson was looking at me intently and it was hard not to squirm under his scrutiny.
"Me, I guess." I sighed, taking another sip of my vodka tonic. "It's not even that I really changed. I always knew that my ex and I were destined to lead a dull life together. I guess at a certain point I just accepted it. But after a while I realized it wasn't enough."
"How long were you together?"
I bit my lip, not wanting to get into this, but Jackson seemed more than a little interested in the topic. "Since we were fifteen."
Jackson leaned back in his chair with an unreadable expression on his face. "That's a long time."
I nodded. "It is. But we were more friends than anything else for most of that time. It was comfortable."
"Did you think you were going to marry him?"
I tightened my grasp on my glass. "Isn't it bad form to talk about exes during a date?" I asked with a weak laugh.
Jackson smiled but he looked a little tense. "I'm curious. Is that okay?"
"It's okay," I replied. "It's just not a topic I love talking about. Sean, my ex, and I were engaged." I swallowed hard. "Actually, I broke off the engagement about a month before the wedding."
It was hard for me to admit that, especially to Jackson. I didn't want him to think badly of me. As much as I was relieved that I had escaped before making the biggest mistake of my life, I wasn't ignorant to the fact of how much I had hurt someone that I cared about. Sean hadn't deserved me embarrassing him in front of all our family and friends. My mistake had been letting it get to the point of having to cancel a wedding. We should have broken up years ago.
Jackson's face had darkened and I tensed. I was afraid that his opinion of me had been lowered by my confession.
"I know how it sounds," I started, wanting to fill the awkward silence. "Trust me, I never thought I would be that girl. It sounds so callous and selfish. But...I just couldn't go through with it."
Jackson shook his head. "It's not that. The last thing you should do is get married to the wrong person, no matter what the consequences are of calling it off." He sighed, running his hand through his hair. "I know it sounds crazy but the thought of you engaged to someone else...it doesn't make me feel good."
I bit my lip, not knowing what to say. I felt my heart squeeze at the words he was saying to me, at the way he was looking at me. The way he was acting didn't feel like a fling.
"I know we've known each other for less than a week, but I think we have something special here. I guess the thought of you being serious enough with someone else to almost marry him, even if it was before we met, doesn't sit well with me." Jackson gave me a faint smile. "I hope that doesn't make me sound like some crazy possessive guy."
I shook my head. "No, I understand what you mean. But I...I thought you weren't looking for anything serious."
Jackson frowned. "What made you think that?"
I wasn't sure Claire would appreciate me telling Jackson that she had warned me about him so I just shrugged.
"I don't know. I guess I just assumed we were having fun."
Jackson's frown grew more pronounced. "Is that what you want? To just have fun?"
I paused, not knowing how to answer. After the debacle with Sean, I had told myself the last thing I wanted was to get involved with another man. This was supposed to be my time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life without the influence of a man. But when that man was someone like Jackson...I wasn't sure he was someone I could refuse.
"Well, initially I wasn't looking for anything serious..." I looked up at Jackson, smiling. "Things change, I guess. It's not every day I meet someone who can whip up a mean chicken marsala."
Jackson's smile in response to my answer was dazzling and I felt a physical ache in my chest. I had a feeling that getting involved with Jackson would be riskier than packing up all my belongings and moving to New York. But it was a risk I was willing to take.
The mood was lightened as the waiter brought our first courses out. Each course was more delicious than the next. We fell over each other talking, as if we couldn't say enough to each other. There seemed to be so much to learn about Jackson and he seemed to feel the same way about me. He told me about different casting calls he had been on and how he and Nathan met when Nathan had done a short stint as a set designer on a play Jackson had been in. It felt natural to tell Jackson about my life in D.C. although I tried to keep Sean out of the conversation.
By the time dessert came out, I was feeling flushed with happiness but also uncomfortably full. I felt like I was going to pop.
"I don't think I can eat another bite," I groaned. "The last time I ate this much was Thanksgiving."
"Okay," Jackson replied mischievously. "I guess I'll just have to eat your chocolate bread pudding."
He reached over as if he was going to grab my plate when I had second thoughts.
"Well..." I said, drawing out the word. "I guess I could make room for dessert. It would be a shame to not even taste it."
Jackson grinned as he started eating his apple tart.