I gazed at Jackson's worried face, knowing that a large part of his anxiety was the fear that I wouldn't be happy in California.
"Who cares? Maybe you'll end up bagging groceries at the local supermarket and I'll flip burgers at some diner. It doesn't matter. I'll be happy as long as we're together." I smiled, trying to lighten the mood. "Actually, you should be the one flipping burgers. I'd probably make a mess."
Jackson sighed, not smiling at my joke. "I'm not used to feeling this anxious about anything. I've always just gone for what I wanted with no reservations and no regrets. It's different now because I have your happiness to worry about."
I sat up, wanting to put a stop to Jackson's anxiety. "Jackson, there's nothing to worry about. As long as you're happy, I'm happy. This is the start of something really great for us. Let's not question it. Let's just enjoy it, wherever it takes us."
Jackson nodded, his face clearing. "You're right. I'm just over-thinking things."
We spent the rest of the afternoon not thinking about anything except enjoying the beautiful day. We stopped by the John Lennon memorial before we left and I thought about how much my life had changed since the first time I had stood there. Jackson and I were in love, he was on the cusp of breaking into the movie industry and we were moving to California. One thing that hadn't changed was the strong presence of my father. I could feel him next to me, proud and approving of the steps I was taking in my life.
We were in the middle of making dinner back at the apartment when my cell phone rang. I walked to the living room to grab my phone from the coffee table to answer it, but I hesitated when I saw that it was my mother. I wanted to let it go to voicemail because the last thing I wanted was to listen to her recriminations again, her absolute certainty that I was messing up my life. But I forced myself to answer it.
"Hi, Mom."
"Emma." I tensed at her tone. It sounded like she was trying to hold back tears.
"Mom, what's wrong?"
"Oh my God, Emma. It's Sean. He's in the hospital. He tried to kill himself."
I staggered to the couch, sitting down as I felt shock coursing through my body.
"What are you talking about? What did he do? Is he okay?"
"He drove straight into a tree. He's lucky to still be alive. I...I don't think he'll be able to walk again."
I felt myself starting to tremble as my mind reeled at what my mother was telling me. Sean, the person who had held me while I had wept bitterly for my father, staying at the hospital and refusing to leave me, the person who had been by my side for ten years, always gentle and always encouraging, had tried to commit suicide. My heart felt like it was literally shattering into pieces.
"How do you know he tried to kill himself? He called me the other night drunk. Maybe it was an accident."
"Emma, it wasn't an accident. There was no alcohol in his system. He just drove straight into the tree with no attempt to swerve. Plenty of witnesses saw it. It was out by Troyer Way."
Tears were streaming down my face and I cried out in pain from my mother's words. I had no doubt that the tree Sean had crashed into was the one where I had told him I would love him forever. I was shuddering with horror and regret when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to find Jackson watching me with a concerned look. I just shook my head, not knowing what to say. He crouched before me and held my hand, not saying a word.
"Emma, I think you need to come down here. He's asking for you. He keeps saying your name over and over again."
"Mom, let me call you back. I need to talk to Jackson."
My mother made a sound of frustration. "Emma, this is the boy that you were in love with since you were fifteen. You've known Jackson for about a minute. Get your priorities in order."
"Mom, please," I said, trying to reign in my impatience. I knew she was just upset. Sean had been a constant fixture in my life since high school and she had loved him as if he were her own son. Especially since she had expected him to become just that once we married. "I'll call you back once I figure out what I'm doing."
I stared silently at Jackson after I ended the call. I didn't want to say the words out loud, didn't want to admit that Sean had tried to end his life. When Jackson reached up to wipe my tears away, I lost it and started sobbing uncontrollably. Jackson sat down on the couch next to me and wrapped his arms around me, rocking me until my body stopped shaking.
"Sweetheart, tell me," he said softly when I had calmed down.
"It's Sean. He tried to kill himself by driving into a tree. They don't know if he'll be able to walk again."
Jackson exhaled deeply, tightening his arms around me. "It's not your fault."
Jackson knew exactly what I was feeling but he was wrong. It was my fault. I had been happily spinning a new life for myself, complete with a new boyfriend, while Sean was still reeling from our breakup. I had left him to come to terms of my betrayal on his own while I acted as if I didn't have a care in the world. My worst transgression hadn't been leaving him. It had been my lie that I never would.
"Jackson, I need to go see him."
"I was afraid you were going to say that," he said with a heavy sigh. I pulled back slightly so that I could look Jackson in the eyes.
"I know this is the worst time for this to happen, but I'll never forgive myself if I don't go see him." I didn't add that Sean had been asking for me. I didn't want to fuel the flames.
Jackson nodded reluctantly. "As much as I don't like it, I understand."
"Thank you," I said, relieved that Jackson wasn't going to fight me on this. I should have known that he would be understanding. "I'll join you in California as soon as I can. It'll probably just be a couple of days."
Jackson's mouth thinned as he looked at me. "I'm going with you."
"Jackson, you can't! You have to be in L.A. tomorrow. You can't risk being late. They already have your schedule set."
Jackson shook his head stubbornly. "They'll just have to push it back. There's no way you're going to Maryland by yourself." His face gentled as he caressed my cheek. "And it's not just because you're going to see Sean, although I have to admit I'm not crazy about the idea. I don't want you going through this by yourself. It's going to be painful."
I took a deep breath as I thought about how to approach this. I wasn't going to let Jackson risk his big break because of me and I had a feeling guilt was the answer.
"Jackson, I appreciate that you want to come with me. I really do. And normally I would be grateful for the offer, but don't do this to me. Don't put the burden of you potentially losing this role on me. You can't start demanding that they push back your schedule before you've even started." I held up my hand when Jackson opened his mouth to speak, stopping him. "This is hard enough for me as it is. If you come with me, I'll just be stressed out about whether or not they'll fire you. I don't think I can handle one more thing right now."