I raised my head and pulled my hand out of his, wiping the tears from my face. I took a deep breath, unable to keep from shuddering as I strove to calm myself.
"I can't tell you how sorry I am, Jackson. It's not that I don't have feelings for you. But I realized that Sean and I belong together."
Jackson's face was taut, agony etched over every surface of his face. It killed me that his eyes were glassy with tears. I didn't know what I would do if he started crying.
"You're lying, I know you're lying." Jackson grabbed my hands again, desperately clutching them as he pleaded with me. "Emma, tell me you're lying! Goddammit, you're lying!"
"I'm not lying," I whispered, knowing that I had broken the promise of always telling him the truth. "I'm sorry, Jackson. I'm so sorry."
Jackson pulled me to him, burying his face in my neck. I could feel his tears against my skin and I couldn't stop shaking, a part of me not being able to believe what I was doing.
"Sweetheart, please," he begged, his face still against my neck. "Don't do this to us. I can't live without you."
I felt physical pain as I restrained myself from soothing him, from rubbing my hands down his back that was shaking with sobs. I didn't do anything except sit there, my hands laying limply on my lap.
This is for Jackson, I kept telling myself. You need to do this for Jackson.
I didn't move as Jackson's shudders gradually stopped, clenching my hands into fists to quell the desperate desire to comfort him. Jackson sat up, looking at me with red-rimmed eyes and devastation across his face. "You told me we would be together forever."
I couldn't take any more. I buried my face in my hands, my body wracked with sobs and I cried for everything I was losing, everything I was throwing away. There was something wrong with me. I told strong beautiful men that I would be with them forever, that I would love them forever. Then I destroyed them.
After my sobs subsided, I looked up at Jackson. He was watching me with dead eyes, his mouth in a thin line.
"Is this your decision then? You're choosing Sean?"
I nodded, although I was screaming liar inside my head.
He stood up, his face a mask. There was no longer any emotion on his face, except for a flash of disgust as he looked down at me.
"I'm going to be the biggest regret of your life."
Jackson left, slamming the front door behind him. I heard the engine of a car and then he was gone. I sat on the couch for hours after he left. When my mother came home and asked me what was wrong, I laughed hysterically and then started sobbing. She held me, but didn't ask me again what was wrong, and I didn't volunteer any information.
It took me a week to realize that Jackson was right. He was the biggest regret of my life. I had thrown away something precious because of a misguided sense of duty. If Jackson wanted to give up his big break to be with me, why was I the one protesting?
With my heart in my throat, I called him late one night. I didn't know whether he was back in New York or in California. I was startled when a female voice answered his cell phone.
"Hello?"
"Uh, is Jackson there?"
"Emma, is that you?"
"Claire?" I felt a sense of relief from hearing her voice. I wasn't sure why she was picking up Jackson's phone, but I welcomed an ally wherever I could find one. "Claire, thank God it's you. I was a little taken aback when a woman picked up Jackson's phone. Is he there?"
"Emma," Claire said, sounding nervous. "I figured you'd be the last person to call. I thought you guys were over."
"I made a huge mistake. I can't believe I was so stupid. Is Jackson there? I need to talk to him."
"Emma, I feel horrible telling you this but...Jackson and I are together now."
I was silent as my brain tried to process what she had just said. I was sure I had just misheard her. "What did you say?"
Claire sighed heavily. "I'm so sorry, Emma. We never meant for it to get serious, but...things just got out of control."
"Claire!" I screamed, panic overtaking me. "What the fuck are you talking about!?"
"We're in love," she whispered, sounding pained. "We thought we were just having fun, but then our feelings got in the way."
"Is this some kind of sick joke? Is Jackson trying to get back at me for breaking up with him? How the hell can you be telling me that you and Jackson have fallen in love in the span of a week!?"
"I never meant to hurt you. I knew he was in love with you and we were just having fun on the side. It's been going on for a long time, longer than you two have been together. You were never supposed to find out. But once you were out of the picture, he realized he loved me. I feel the same way."
I was trembling with rage, not believing a word she was saying. "Put Jackson on the phone now!"
I heard her talk to someone in the background and I froze when I heard the faint but distinct sound of Jackson's voice. I couldn't make out what he was saying but I knew it was him. If my heart had been shattered before, it was now obliterated into a million pieces, disappearing in a haze of despair.
"I'm sorry, Emma," Claire said, coming back to the phone. "He doesn't want to talk to you. He said that you guys discussed everything that needed to be said when he was in Merrittsville and there's nothing left to talk about."
"You bitch," I spat out, my pain turning into rage at Claire. "How could you do this to me? You were supposed to be my friend! Instead, you're telling me that you were screwing Jackson the entire time we were together?!"
Claire had been nothing but apologetic during the conversation but her tone now turned gleeful. "You're the one that gave him up, Emma. I just picked up the pieces."
I heard the phone click, signaling the end of the call. I felt immobilized by pain and fury. All this time I had hated myself for what I had done to Jackson, not knowing that he had been betraying me the entire time. No wonder I would catch odd looks on Claire's face every so often. She was probably laughing at me behind my back for being so naive.
I didn't know what to do now. My life seemed empty. Hopeless.
How far can obligation take you? It took me from the arms of the one man I loved into a life that became meaningless. It took the joy out of my life, leaving me with nothing but pain and regret.
Chapter Thirteen
Five years later
"I forgot how humid New York gets in the summer," I said, fanning myself with my hand. "I always expect it to be cooler up here than D.C."
"Try wearing a wool skirt in this weather!" Trisha exclaimed scornfully.