“You were being a good friend to someone I care about. You shouldn’t apologize for that.” His words were dismissive, but his tone belied them. He couldn’t pretend that what I’d done hadn’t affected him. He’d let me in too far, and I knew him too well.
I’d let him in too far too. So far that it prickled at me when he said he cared about Amber. So far that I was almost glad that he’d been hurt.
I moved to the swing to sit next to him. Pulling my legs underneath me, I faced him. “I did let my search go eventually, Reeve. I wasn’t looking for her anymore.” I didn’t tell him that I’d only given it up a few hours before Amber had turned up. The point was that I’d been there honestly in the end. I’d been there honestly for quite some time, actually.
He put his arm on the back of the swing, his fingers resting so close to my shoulder I could almost feel them brush against me. I wished they would brush against me.
But he kept them just out of reach.
He studied me. “You stopped searching because you thought she was dead.”
“Yes, but then I wanted to know what happened to her. And then…” Only the day before, I’d had Reeve’s office keys in my possession. I’d planned to sneak in and watch the camera feeds of when Amber had been there, hoping they’d tell me what had happened to her.
Except, I hadn’t. Because I’d decided it didn’t matter. Because I’d decided I cared about Reeve more than I cared about the truth.
“And then?” Reeve prompted. Even when he was gentle, he dominated me.
“And then, there came a point that I didn’t.”
“But you still didn’t trust me.”
But I loved you.
I still loved him.
And I still couldn’t say it. So I said the next best thing instead. “I trust you more than I’ve trusted almost anyone.”
“I guess that’s something.”
It was so much more than just something. It was everything to me. The only other person I’d ever trusted had been Amber, and, in the end, even she’d betrayed my trust.
Maybe my statement had been wrong. Maybe I trusted Reeve more than everyone.
But I didn’t correct myself because it didn’t matter. What he really wanted to hear were the other words, the words I couldn’t give. He’d danced around it, too, though. He’d suggested he loved me, but he’d never told me outright. Those words stood so prominently that they’d become a barrier between us. Either they’d been a lie, a cruel response to my scheming, or they’d been truthful – a possible doorway leading to something else. Something more.
Damn, how I wanted the more. Wanted it enough to brave broaching the subject. “You said things the other night, Reeve —”
He jumped in, turning his head to meet my eyes straight on. “I meant them.”
“Oh.”
Oh.
There was so much to say in response and yet nothing at all came to mind. And as wary as I was to fully trust him, I believed him. Many men had proclaimed their love for me – usually when I had my mouth around their dick – but it had never been sincere. The plethora of false variations had been enough to teach me that this version was the real thing.
But Reeve had said he’d loved Amber that night as well. And I believed that too.
“I want you sleeping in my bed, Emily.”
Or perhaps I was wrong about everything, and his devotion was tied up in sex like all the other men I’d known.
I considered retorting back something sassy about not always being able to get what you want. But I wasn’t quite sure that was an adage that Reeve understood. Besides, I wanted to be sleeping in his bed as well, and maybe I would be eventually. If it was really where he wanted me. If I was really the one he wanted there.
I knew I should just ask – how do you feel about Amber now? What happens next between us? It was on the tip of my tongue, the questions preformed in my mouth when I decided to swallow them instead. Because I wasn’t sure I was ready to hear those answers – whatever they may be – and, in this moment, at least, I was what he desired. And maybe it was just an excuse to not have to think about her for a minute, to not worry about feeling guilty or like I’d betrayed her. As long as I didn’t know, I could blame my behavior on ignorance, and I could please him too.
The swing rocked as I shifted to my knees. Ignoring the chill of the seat against my bare shins, I leaned forward and unfastened Reeve’s jeans.
“This isn’t my bed,” he said, not moving to either help me or stop me.
“It’s the best I can do right now.”
He’d gone commando, a sign that he’d likely tried to sleep as well, then had thrown his clothing on when he found the effort futile. I rubbed my hands together, heating them with friction before I reached in for his cock.
Just as I lowered my lips to his tip, he said, “That ‘right now’ insinuates that there will be a time that you can do more.”
I didn’t want to answer, afraid of giving too much of myself away. Afraid that he wouldn’t like my reasons for not being with him fully or that he’d try to talk me out of worrying about Amber’s place in all of this.
So I occupied my mouth in other ways that prevented talking.
I began, kissing his tip as I massaged his shaft. He wasn’t ready, but it was cold. For a few minutes I wondered if it were too cold, or if he were possibly resisting me. Whether he was or not, he was certainly not participating. He kept one arm on the back of the swing and the other at his side while I licked at his head. After several swipes of my tongue, I got more aggressive, sucking his crown then taking the whole of him, heating him up in the warm hollow of my mouth.