I’d come a long way since Bridge. Since Amber. I hadn’t realized that until now. I’d thought I’d just run away, that I’d been hiding. Not ever looking back, it was impossible to see the distance I’d traveled. Revisiting the past with Reeve, I could see it. I could see that I’d survived.
And now you’re worried about a man who’s treating you too kindly.
I had to laugh.
Then, leaving a towel wrapped around me, I took off the one from my head, brushed my teeth, and joined Reeve in the bedroom.
The fire was going, and it hadn’t been before, which was a nice touch on a cold spring night after a hot shower. “Thanks for that.” I nodded to the hearth.
“Hmm? Oh. You’re welcome.” He’d put on boxer briefs and was sitting on the bed, his hands laced behind his head, looking distracted and as delicious as one of those underwear models – not the too skinny, boyish waifs, but the ones built like warriors. The kind of man who looked like he could fight for a woman and win. He’d protect her from harm and then brutalize her himself but only just enough. Complete trust.
Was that what love looked like? Was Reeve what love looked like?
I had a confiscated set of keys that said I didn’t trust him like that yet, so not likely. And obviously he couldn’t trust me either.
The thought scratched at my insides, uncomfortable and itchy. Adding to it was the fact that Reeve wasn’t naked. We’d never gone to bed with any strip of clothing between us. We’d never gone to sleep without sex.
I bit back my frown and settled in on the bench with a bottle of lotion. If I wasn’t in bed yet, then the status quo hadn’t changed. And I had dry legs. That ought to buy me some time.
Though Reeve watched me as I rubbed the lotion into my skin, I’d almost completely finished with my legs when he finally said something.
“Have you…” He hesitated until I looked up. Or maybe he’d hesitated until he’d found his words. “Have you had anyone take you in the ass since what happened with that fuckface?”
I smiled, because of his term for Bridge and also because he’d finally revealed what was going on in his head. This was what he was worried about, then. This I could deal with.
Pouring lotion in my hand for my arms, I answered truthfully. “I have not. Before, yes. Not after.”
“Yet, you were going to let me…?”
“I told you I’m not very good at saying no.” I stroked the cream up and down my left arm, hoping if I acted like the topic wasn’t that big of a deal then Reeve would adopt the same attitude.
Even if it was a partial lie. It was a big deal. Potentially.
He shifted on the bed, sitting forward. “You mean you’ll never tell me no?”
“As far as sex goes? I doubt it.”
“Now I’m mad about that too.” He swung his legs off the bed, got up, and moved around the room aimlessly.
I’d known he was agitated, but had believed him when he said it wasn’t directed at me. “Then you are mad at me.” I hated the emotion in my voice. “Because I didn’t tell you? Or because I don’t say no?”
He ran a hand through his hair that was now nearly dry. “Not mad at you. Mad at me.” With hands on his hips, he faced me. “If you’re not going to have a safe word, we need to set some limits between us.”
“I wouldn’t say no anal. I wouldn’t say no objects. I’d never think I’d need to say no scissors.” Frustrated, I popped the lid closed on the bottle of lotion and began working my right arm. It was a good conversation to have, actually. I just didn’t know how to participate in it. “I told you I don’t know what my limits are.”
“You have to know some things,” he insisted. “You don’t want to be shared. That’s a limit.”
“We established that together.”
“You mean if I hadn’t said it first, you would have let me give you to whoever I wanted and you wouldn’t say anything? Even if you didn’t want that?” He must have sensed my answer without me giving it because he asked, “Why would you do that?”
I stood and snatched up the lotion bottle to take it to the bathroom. “I don’t know why.” But I did, sort of, and after I grabbed my robe from the hook, I came back into the room and tried to explain. “I’d do it because you wanted me to. That’s more…” What was the word? “Satisfying, I guess. I like that better. Sometimes that’s what makes something really good, even. Because I don’t want to do it but I’m pleasing you.”
He conceded a tight smile. “And that’s what works so well between us. Because I like that too.” Then the concession was gone. “But men have gone past that. Have hurt you. Was that worth pleasing them?” When I shook my head, he said, “So you do know some things that you absolutely don’t want to explore again.”
“Okay, my limits are don’t damage me. Don’t destroy me.” I sounded exasperated because it was an exasperating subject. On the one hand, I should have boundaries, shouldn’t I? It was embarrassing to harp on the fact that I didn’t.
On the other, it seemed like do not harm should be a no-brainer. Where was the confusion in that?
“Emily, I don’t just want to do things with you because you let me.”
Dropping my towel, I slipped an arm into my robe and gave him an incredulous look.
“Okay, sometimes, yes I do.” He crossed to me and took the belt out of my hands to tie it for me. “But I… I don’t want to do something to you that you don’t at least at some level want me to do.”