“Almost three. And don’t worry about it. Go back to sleep. I was just straightening the sheet for you.” His voice was quiet so it was hard to be sure, but I didn’t think I heard any spite in his tone.
“No, no. I’m not here to sleep. I’m here to be yours.” I needed him right now. Needed him to take control like I knew he would so I could let go completely. So I could escape. So I could forget, if even for a moment.
He smiled but it was brief and didn’t meet his eyes. Then, instead of initiating anything, he walked to the other side of the bed and started emptying his pockets on the nightstand.
I suddenly had a bad feeling about how his night had gone. “Unless you don’t need me,” I said, hinting at without saying my fear outright.
“Emily, the girls downstairs were here for my friends.” God, he could read me so easily. “I’m sorry if you got the wrong impression, but I’ve explained my position on other women before.”
“You have. I remember. You won’t have sex with anyone else while you’re with me. I was just making sure things hadn’t changed after today.” My throat felt thick, probably from the earlier breakdown, but also because I could sense something was wrong. Besides all the other things that were wrong.
He let out a sigh and circled back to my side. “About that,” he said, perching on the edge of the bed. “There’s something I need to say. I —” He stopped abruptly, bending closer to study me. “You’ve been crying.”
I was on the verge of crying now, after the ominous speech he’d just begun and the heavy seriousness of his mood. But he was referring to the way I looked, which I imagined was like hell judging by how crusty and swollen my eyes felt. Though he hadn’t asked a question, he was waiting for an explanation. I considered making something up. I bumped into an old friend. He gave me bad news about someone we used to know.
But even in a vague form I didn’t want to share Amber’s death with him. He’d already had so much of her, so much that I hadn’t. This was mine alone and it was private.
So, at the expense of him thinking my tears had been because of him, I just nodded.
He reached his hand out to caress my face. “I didn’t want this, Emily.” And damn if my world didn’t feel turned upside down for the millionth time that day.
He dropped his hand and cleared his throat, and I waited for more words I didn’t want to hear.
“I overreacted earlier,” he said, his voice thick with remorse. “I know that. I crossed lines. Like you said, I didn’t tell you what I expected.”
What he’d said wasn’t what I thought I was going to hear. It took a beat before I figured out that he was referring to the way he’d “punished” me. It was so near to an apology from a man I was sure never gave them that I didn’t know quite how to respond. Not to mention, I didn’t want an apology for it.
I ran my tongue over my bottom lip and chose my words carefully. “No, you were right to do what you did. I should have known.”
He smiled skeptically. “How could you? You can’t read my mind, can you?” He grew serious again, avoiding eye contact. “I’ll try to remember in the future to be clearer with you up front.”
“Well, that would help, but really, I was the one who messed up, and I feel terrible for disappointing you.”
“It wasn’t disappointment that I was feeling, exactly. It was…” He looked up at me, and I thought for just a second that I could read his mind, thought that the sentence went, It was fear.
But that was silly. A man like Reeve, afraid? Of what?
He shook his head. “Anyway, sometimes I can get carried away. I don’t expect you to tolerate me like that. I want you to know that I’m trying. Trying to be more in control of myself.”
I was confused. On the one hand, he was being compassionate. It thrilled me, but it was also jarring. That wasn’t what I wanted from him. And I was pretty sure it wasn’t what he wanted either. So why was he offering it?
Whatever the reason, I had to nip it in the bud. “No. Don’t do that.”
“Don’t do what?”
“Don’t control yourself. I want you to be you with me. Whoever that is.” As soon as I said it, I knew it was true. Despite what it opened myself up to accept from him.
He studied me. “You don’t mean that. It’s not fair to you to have to put up with my worst traits. My temper and impulsiveness.”
I was still baffled about where this was coming from. In my experience, men were only remorseful when they thought they might lose something. Might lose me.
It didn’t make sense that Reeve feared that. Did it?
I sat up straighter, desperate to understand. “Do you think you hurt me today, Reeve? Did you think I’d leave?” The look he gave me said I’d got it right. So I assured him, “I wouldn’t. And the only time I was hurt was when it seemed you might not want me anymore. Everything else you did, I let you do. I wanted you to. I liked it.”
“Emily, you don’t have to say —”
“I know I don’t. I’m being honest here. I liked it. A lot.” How did I not realize that he didn’t get that about me? I thought I’d been so transparent. Apparently not transparent enough.
“I need that from you. I need you to be that way with me.” God, I felt so exposed. But he had to know. “It turned me on, remember? Even just thinking about it now gets me hot.” It wasn’t a lie. I was wet.