He frowned. “Your parents?”
Shadows in the room gathered closer. The flickering light of the fire danced on the walls and reflected in the window panes. The world slipped away until it was only Penny, Colt and the past crowded into the tiny living room.
“When my mom died ten years ago, my father just shut down. He went to work, came home, but he was like a ghost in the house.” It sounded so cut-and-dried when she said it, but the memories of her childhood were still with her. Still painful. When her mother died, Penny was eighteen. She felt lost and turned to her father, but he couldn’t or wouldn’t give her the emotional support she needed so badly. She’d had to learn how to stand up. How to be a rock for Robert and how to take care of herself.
“I couldn’t lean on my father,” she said hotly. “I couldn’t trust him. Sometimes he came home, sometimes he didn’t. So I took care of myself and Robert. And the day I turned eighteen my dad took off for good and we haven’t seen him since.” She poked her index finger at the center of his chest. “So don’t tell me that I’m too stubborn to ask for help. It’s not stubbornness, it’s survival. I don’t trust easily, Colt, and I learned early that it’s easier in the long run to not depend on anyone but yourself.”
Her breath was coming in short, hard pants and she kept her gaze fixed on his, so she saw the shadow of sympathy in his eyes. Penny’s spine went stiff and straight and she lifted her chin defiantly. “I don’t need you to feel sorry for me, either.”
“I wasn’t.”
She folded her arms over her chest, cocked her head at a mocking tilt and studied him.
“Okay,” he admitted, “maybe I was. Not for who you are now, but for the girl you were, with so much responsibility dumped on you.”
“I survived.”
“Yeah, but it affected you.” He shook his head. “You tell me I take too many risks, but you don’t take any, do you? If you don’t trust people they can’t let you down. Is that it?”
She shifted position uncomfortably. Maybe that was a little too close to home. “I trusted you once.”
He ground his teeth together until she saw the muscle in his jaw flexing furiously.
Shaking her head, Penny said, “Our situations are different, Colt. You risk your life constantly. I don’t want to risk trusting the wrong person. Big difference.”
“This isn’t even about trust,” he countered, blowing out a breath. “Or what’s between us. This is about you accepting help. You’ve already proven you can do everything on your own, Penny. That doesn’t mean you have to.”
She laughed a little but there was no humor in the sound. “You don’t get it. Who is there to lean on, Colt? Robert? He and Maria are building their own lives. They don’t need me hanging around being needy. You?” She sighed. “Why would I lean on you when you’ve made no secret of the fact that you’re leaving just as fast you can?”
“You could while I’m here,” he started to argue.
“Why would I get used to help from you, Colt?” She reached up and shoved both hands through her hair as frustration grabbed hold of her and refused to let go. “You arrived here with your bags packed emotionally. You’ve had one foot out the door for this entire time. So tell me. Should I count on you, Colt? Should I depend on you?”
“No.” He cut her off abruptly and Penny was so surprised her mouth snapped shut. Briefly.
“Well, at least that was honest,” she choked out as she wrapped her arms around her middle and held on.
* * *
Colt looked at her and not for the first time thought she was one of the strongest people he’d ever known. Now that he knew more of her background, he was even more impressed. No wonder Robert had said he owed Penny everything. She’d raised him. She’d kept him safe. And she’d done it on her own with no help from anyone.
Hell, he hadn’t wanted her to depend on him and it should make him feel good that she had no intention of counting on Colt for anything. Instead, he felt worse than ever. He wished to hell he could just grab her, pull her close and never let her go. But that wasn’t gonna happen. Couldn’t happen.
Pulling back from her and the kids was the right thing to do and he knew it.
But clearly Penny believed he simply didn’t want to stay. That bothered him more than he wanted to admit. So if he told her the truth, then not only would she understand, she’d agree that his leaving was the best thing for all of them.
“You think I don’t want to be here.”
“I think you can’t wait to leave. Just like before,” she said sadly.
“You’re wrong.”
“Then prove it,” she countered. “Stay.”
“No,” he said tiredly, feeling old guilt and the shadows of pain he’d never allowed to die swamp him.
“This is ridiculous. You’re not telling me anything. Just like before, you’re going to walk away. And I’m supposed to believe that what? You’re leaving for my sake? Because if that’s it,” Penny snapped, “then don’t do me any favors.”
“I’m trying to keep you and the twins alive and safe.” He grabbed her upper arms and barely held back from giving her a hard shake. “You think it’s easy for me to walk away? It’s not. But if I stay, then somewhere down the line, everything’s going to go to hell.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Her eyes were locked on his, confusion and fury glittering in those green depths. She was amazing and he wanted her more than his next breath.
Deliberately, he let her go and took a step back from her. Swiping one hand across his face, he muttered, “It was ten years ago.”
“What?”
He looked away from her because how the hell could he look into her eyes while he said, “I was in Switzerland with my folks. Supposed to be a big ski trip.” His voice sounded as haunted as his dreams. Colt closed his eyes briefly, but the images from the past were so clear, so sharp, they nearly killed him. So he opened his eyes again and stared down into the fire.
“We were supposed to take a helicopter to the top of a peak and then ski down. But the night before the run, I met some blonde in a bar—” he stopped and realized “—I can’t even remember her name. Point is, I blew off the ski trip in favor of spending time with the blonde. My parents died in an avalanche.”