He’d actually wanted to come with her this morning.
“I’m going to a goddamn army physical, Zach. To see if I’m fit to return to duty. What do you think it would say if I turned up with you holding my goddamn hand?”
Maybe the trip had been a mistake. Maybe they should have come separately because they were getting testy with each other.
She felt irritable. On edge. Scared. Miserable.
Staring out the window at the green landscape filtered through a mist of constant rain, she had a longing to be back in the arid sunshine of Spain. Well, maybe once she reenlisted she would be back in the heat. Just not Spain.
And she’d never see Zach again.
Pain twisted in her gut. All this talk about visiting L.A. was nothing but talk. She knew in her heart it would never happen. She was a novelty, that was all, and once he was back in his own world and she was in hers, he would forget her. Oh, they’d no doubt be “friends” and he’d maybe even send her a Christmas card and include a photo of Skip. Would he buy Skip a diamond collar so he’d fit in with the pampered pooches in L.A.?
God, she was a miserable bitch.
As of today, she had everything she’d been terrified would be taken from her. She could reenlist, go back to doing something useful with her life.
And even if she stayed, chances were, Zach would move on. He’d not promised her anything. And sooner or later, he’d see through her. See her as she really was. And that would be even worse. She’d be left with nothing.
Stop thinking about it.
But she’d shut out her worries of the future for too long. She’d only managed it because she’d spent every moment with Zach and he had a way of filling her mind and body that pushed everything else away. Now they poured in on her.
She needed him to hold her, make love to her so she could forget for a little while longer. But when she arrived back at the hotel, it was to find two men standing on either side of his hotel door. So far, the security had been pretty much invisible. She vaguely recognized them as Jake’s people, but she didn’t know their names. They let her through once she’d shown her ID.
“How did it go?” Zach asked as she came through the door.
“Well. I have to wait for the official all-clear, but it went well.”
He nodded, but she couldn’t tell whether he was happy or sad at the news. He pulled on his jacket. “I was waiting for you to come back. I have to go to a meeting with Jake.”
“They’ve found something?”
“Maybe.”
She didn’t want to be alone right now. “I could come.”
But he shook his head. “I don’t think so, sweetheart. He’s sent a couple of guys to babysit me. Why don’t you relax for the afternoon, and we’ll spend the evening together.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Like a good girl,” she muttered. He hadn’t actually said the words but she could almost hear them.
But before she could say anything else, he gave her a swift kiss on the lips and headed for the door. “I missed you.”
She plunked herself down on the sofa and stared at the closed door. The idea of spending the afternoon cooped up in a hotel room—however luxurious—was really not an option.
She jumped up and paced the room a couple of times, pulled her ponytail free and ran her hands through her hair, pressing her scalp as though she could somehow force out the answers. She’d never been one to avoid uncomfortable truths. Now she needed to face her fears head-on and find a way through.
Why couldn’t she just be happy she was getting her life back?
Actually, that was an easy one.
Because getting her old life back meant losing her new one. Losing Zach. And at the thought, her heart tripped a beat then slowed to a dull thud she could actually hear.
Oh God. She loved him. Really loved him.
So much for “just” sex.
Had she ever really believed that she could give herself to a man so completely and keep her heart free?
Yes.
He had crept up on her, until he was twined around her heart.
Like fucking barbed wire. And it hurt.
All she knew of love was pain and loss. Why would this be any different?
An image of Sam flashed in her mind. Sam giggling, smiling, always happy. Then afterward, her mother’s accusing stare. Her father’s expression, blank as though he saw right through her. As if she wasn’t even there.
But for a moment, instead of pain, she felt a surge of all-consuming anger.
She’d been a child. They should have kept her safe, loved her unconditionally. Accepted her faults. That’s what they’d promised to do. She had an urge to stand before her father. Yell at him that she was sorry about Sam, but she was still alive. Maybe if she’d done that back then, she might have broken through to him. But she’d been too scared and too guilty.
She was going crazy in here alone.
Without giving herself time to think, she picked up the phone and punched in Jess’s number. “Are you home?”
“No, I’m in a meeting with Jake and your boyfriend.”
A shaft of jealousy shot through her. Zach hadn’t wanted her there, but Jess was obviously needed. “Damn. Okay. I’ll see you whenever.”
“If it’s important, I can come over.”
“No. I’m just going stir-crazy. I’ll go out, do some tourist stuff. Or see a movie.”
In the end, she wandered the streets of London, taking little in but not thinking, either. As it got dark, she went back to the hotel, found Zach, waiting impatiently for her.
They spent the night making love with an edge of desperation that only scared her more.
Chapter Seventeen
The following morning, Zach disappeared again. He had meetings, but Dani couldn’t shake the feeling he was deliberately distancing himself. The hotel room felt like a cage and she headed out and wandered the streets, watched a movie in the afternoon.
After tonight, they would have to make a decision. Or she would. But she couldn’t focus on the idea of reenlisting. All she could think of was Zach and how different he’d been over the last couple of days. Was he trying to make things easy for her? So she could walk away with no regrets?
Or did he just believe the affair was over and this was how he always behaved?
It was early evening by the time she returned to the hotel, and she was sure Zach would be already gone. But the same two guys were standing outside the room. One of them waved her through without checking her ID this time. “Can you tell him that we needed to leave ten minutes ago?” he said as she passed.