I walked out of the restaurant smiling to myself and happy to have found someone fun at the studios. Then I saw Marshall standing at the entrance, frowning like I’d never seen him frown before. I just kept walking by and said, “Sorry I ran late. I’ll stay later to make up for it.” I kept walking, not giving him a chance to make a scene at the restaurant, especially with Tyler there. After all, Marshall was kind of his boss and I didn’t want him to have trouble because Marshall was grumpy for some odd reason.
I got back to the office and started working. Ten minutes later, Marshall came in and I could see the fire in his eyes. I wondered what had happened. Surely it couldn’t have been me running late with my lunch. “What’s the matter, Marshall?”
Marshall was pacing back and forth in the foyer that was in front of my working space. He wasn’t saying a word, but I could see the veins popping out on his temples and he was clenching his fists together one second and running his hands through his hair the next. “What happened?” I asked again. “Why are you so angry?”
“Am I that disgusting to you? Do you still see me as that arrogant disgusting prick that you’d told off the first time you met me?” His words sounded like they had venom in them, spilling out of his mouth with an evil hiss.
“What? You’re not disgusting. You’re a gentleman,” I answered. I really didn’t get what was going on and was wondering if he was having some sort of breakdown. He seemed inconsolable.
“You’ve never once smiled at me like that or looked at me like that, Becca.”
“That? What’s that?” I asked.
“That is Tyler Jackson,” Marshall said. His jaw was tensed and he continued talking. “You never seem happy or carefree when I’m around. You must really hate me. Is that why you wouldn’t let me make love to you?”
“I don’t hate you at all and me not wanting us to make love has nothing to do with it. That’s something else.”
“Something else?”
“Yes, you see I’m still getting over a past relationship…” Apparently Marshall didn’t care what I had to say. He interrupted me on the spot.
“But Tyler was appealing, just not me. You’re always so distant and aloof with me. Even after we were intimate and in the same room for nearly a week you seem to want me to stay away. You want nothing to do with me. I guess it’s because you had your sights set on Tyler Jackson.”
“That doesn’t make any sense, Marshall,” I said. A part of me was really annoyed by this inquisition—one which he had no right to give. I couldn’t help but wonder if the jealousy meant that he really did have feelings for me.
“Can you deny that you’re attracted to him?” Marshall asked.
“I’ll admit that he’s better looking in person than on screen. He’s always been one of my favorite actors though so I think it’s pretty cool to have the chance to go out to dinner with him.”
“What! You’re going to have dinner with him now?” Marshall asked. He was looking angrier by the second and I was afraid his head was going to explode from that throbbing vein, which I could practically see beating.
“Why wouldn’t I? We had a great lunch.”
“He’s a player. He goes through women like water, you know.”
“And you don’t, Marshall?” I asked. That was rich, the pot calling the kettle black.
“At least I get to them first. And for your information, Becca, I don’t date often.”
“I suppose you don’t need to. You have a string of women waiting in the shadows for you, ready to give you what you need without any expectations. You fuck like it’s no big deal and quite often from what I can tell.” You were willing to be one of those women just a few days ago.
“Those women know what they’re getting into, that they are a stress relief. They were obliging.”
“Unlike me?” I asked. I finally understood what he was getting at and I was so frustrated. Just like I’d feared at first, he was so insecure that he thought me not actually having intercourse with him was a sign of rejection. Little did he know that it was my own insecurities that stopped that from happening, to protect me.
“Is it me? I need to know,” Marshall asked. He finally had calmed down and now he looked so sad and distant, not angry and irrational.
“Why? What does it matter to you whether or not it is?” I asked.
“Because I care what you think about me.”
“But the other women…”
“…The other women don’t really matter. I don’t care what they think and their opinions don’t hold the same weight that yours do. Ever since you told me off in the restaurant that day and stood up to me, you showed that you were not just a yes person. That meant a lot to me. I find your opinions and judgments more reliable because of it. Becca, what I’m trying to say is…I value you as more than just an employee. I value you as a friend too.”
I went from hopeful promise of the words that I wanted to hear, the ones that affirmed that Marshall was crazy for me down to the word friend. Friend was a very ugly word when it came to emotional desires that far transcended the friendship arena. “I value you as a friend too,” I managed to spit out. I hid my disappointment and went up to Marshall, giving him a warm hug. “And for the record, you do make me smile. I’ve always wished you’d smile more.”
Marshall had wrapped his arms around me too, hugging me closely. I could hear him breathing in and calculating his words so he’d say them just right. “I didn’t always act this serious, Becca. Ask Sophia. We went out a few times. Sergio’s also seen me loosen up and have some fun. Even Mandi got to see me relax and have some fun when we were at the Venice Film Festival last fall.”
“Why don’t you show me that side of you?” I asked. I didn’t want to be the one to stress him out. He had enough going on as it was.
“I believe it’s all the stress of trying to run this studio, be an executive, and manage all this wealth and responsibility. I wasn’t born thinking that I’d have this type of responsibility. I’d always wanted to be an actor and that was just fine for me. I was just like Tyler. I wasn’t so…”
“…Arrogant and demanding,” I injected.
Marshall laughed. “I prefer to remember that I was simply more fun and trusting. Unfortunately, these days the only person I can trust around here is you. All of the information you’ve found out has been so helpful, but also raised my awareness that people are out to undermine me.”