I squirmed, shifting to offset the feeling. "I don't know how. I've bottled it all up for so long that I don't even know where to begin."
"Well, then you just have to jump." The honesty in his face was a small comfort. He believed his words, and he believed in me, even if it wasn't warranted.
He had faith. I didn't.
"We'll see, I suppose."
"Look, it's the perfect opportunity. She's busy tomorrow, so you've got a whole day to psych yourself up, and then she'll be here the whole day after. There will be time at some point." I must not have looked convinced, because he added, "Just think about it."
I didn't agree, but I didn't disagree, just switched gears to making sure he had what he needed before I ducked out of his room to ascend to mine. As I lay in bed in the dark, I imagined saying all the things I wanted to say, imagined every scenario, and one decision rose to the top of them all: it would have to be said, and it would have to be heard. And I held the power to take that step, even if it took me over the edge and into the sweet darkness of nothing.
11
Never Prepared
And when you think
That you have found
Your feet planted firmly
And your heart sound
That is when the moment
You trip,
Fall,
And hit the ground.
* * *
-M. White
* * *
Elliot
I was in my room when I heard the knock on the door at ten sharp, right on time. I smiled to myself, glad I'd have Jack's company while I ran my errands, thankful to know I wouldn't have to talk about Rick or bear the responsibility of anyone else like I did when I was at the Winters' house. It was just a simple morning with a friend.
I grabbed my bag and headed up the stairs, surprised to find Mary in the doorway, hissing at Jack, who straightened up and smiled when he saw me. Mary turned around, her face hard.
"I need you home tonight," she snapped. "I'm on the night shift, and Charlie's got work to do."
I nodded. "No problem, I'll pick up the kids and take care of dinner."
She was scowling at me, but I barely registered it, just stepped past her and onto the stoop.
"Morning," Jack said with a smile. "You ready?"
I smiled back. "I am, thanks."
He looked over my shoulder at my sister. "See you around, Mary."
"Whatever," she popped and shut the door.
"Wonder what's gotten into her," he said as we walked down the steps.
I chuckled and adjusted my hat. "Who knows."
"She treats you like that a lot."
"Most of the time."
He shook his head, eyes on me. "Why do you put up with it?"
I smiled over at him, not minding the judgment. "Charlie asked me the same thing the other day."
"Well, he's a smart guy."
I sighed, knowing it was futile to try to explain but trying all the same. "Mary's harmless. She's demanding, sure, but … well, she's just Mary. I don't take it personally, though everyone else seems to on my behalf." I gave him a look, softened by a small smile.
"Can you blame us for being concerned for your well-being?"
"No, and I appreciate it. It reminds me that I'm cared for, but you have to understand that this is how my life has always been. So I've learned to find joy where I can."
"That makes me sad, Elliot. To think that you endure people who treat you with no respect just to be noble."
I frowned. "That's not why. I barely interact with Mary most of the time — I'm working at the bookstore or alone with the kids every day, caring for them in the evenings, and then writing when they're asleep."
"Sounds lonely."
It is. I brushed the thought away. "I have Sophie and my friends at the bookstore. And anyway, I don't have to endure much at all usually — it's not so bad when my father is gone. Mary is easy enough to ignore. All of them are, really, if one puts one's mind to it."
He chuckled at that.
"You have to believe me when I say that they've always been this way. Unhappy. Dissatisfied."
He considered my words. "But you're not?"
"I am right now, but not because of them."
Jack nodded. "He means a lot to you."
Wade. But Jack couldn't know about Wade. "Rick?" I clarified anyway.
"He's your mentor, right?"
"You could say that. He's inspired me, believed in me always. Convinced me to go to college and get my degree, though I still have no real use for it. He's the reason I write."
"Poetry, right? Ever published anything?
I brushed my hair from my face. "No, not quite brave enough for that yet."
"Do you let anyone read it?" he prodded with a mischievous look on his face.
"Sometimes."
He smiled playfully. "Would you let me read it?"
I smiled back. "Maybe someday, if you prove yourself to be trustworthy."
"Me? Untrustworthy?" he asked with mock drama.
I laughed. "I've seen you play cards."
"That's fair," he said with a smirk.
"So, where to first?"
"Well," he started, "there's a toy store where I think we can find your planetarium. I've got most of the gear, which we can get at my place, but there are a few things I don't have. So let's hit up the little shop where I get my gear."
"Sounds great."
"Maybe we can grab lunch too. I should feed you, since we're on a date and all."
I laughed, but he didn't, he just kept smiling at me. "You're serious."
He shrugged. "Why wouldn't I be?"