It was then that I realized we hadn't used a condom.
~Leah~
Still panting from what was probably the best sex of my entire life, I heard Declan let out a curse.
"Fuck!"
Alarm bells started going off in my head, and the insecure Leah —the one many people didn't know about —came to the front of the line and started spouting off a million different reasons for that curse word. Like I had for the majority of my life, I tried to push her back and be rational about it. Most of the time I'd won, but sometimes, insecurity would still win out.
"What's wrong?" I asked, looking up at him.
We were still joined, his head lowered against my shoulder. Then, he leaned on his elbows, rising above me.
"We didn't use a condom, Leah. I'm so sorry...I wasn't thinking. I was careless, thoughtless. I just didn't think."
He gazed down at me then, and he looked so upset. He wasn't angry but wrecked, like he'd failed me.
"Hey, it's okay, Declan. I'm on the pill. I have been ever since I turned sixteen. I take it religiously, and I'm tested every six months. My last test was in October. You?" I asked nervously.
"November —right before I came out. I hadn't been with anyone in a few months, and I haven't slept with anyone else but you since," he answered.
Butterflies took flight in my belly. I wasn't aware I even had butterflies or that they could do that. Declan had given me butterflies. Funny.
"What are you smiling about?" he asked.
"Run out of women in L.A., Hotshot?" I joked.
"No, I just got tired of trying to replace you."
Oh. I sure as shit didn't expect that to come out of his mouth.
"Who the hell are you?" I whispered, tracing my fingers over his unshaven face.
"I'm the same guy I've always been, Leah. I've just decided to be a bit more honest with myself these days. You should try it," he said with a cocky grin.
After several minutes of absolutely stunned silence on my end, I decided to change the subject.
"So, anyway...we are both clean, and I'm on the pill. So, we're fine. Nothing to worry about," I said, throwing a pillow at his head trying to drown out the laughter that was taking over his body. He knew I'd changed the subject on purpose, and he loved throwing me off my game.
"So, we could have been going without condoms this entire time?" he asked, grinning.
"Uh, I guess so."
"Well, shit, Leah! That would have been good to know. I hate condoms."
I giggled, and he pounced, tickling me and making me laugh harder.
"Sorry, it's not a typical conversation for me, like it might be for you, Hotshot!" I joked.
"Oh, it's most definitely not a typical conversation for me. I bag every time without fail."
"First, gross. Second, you've never..." I began to ask, eyes widening. I wondered if I'd just popped Declan's condom cherry.
"No, I mean...when I was with Heather, my college girlfriend, we, uh...didn't. But since then, every single time."
"So, why am I any different?" Right after the words fell out of my mouth, I hated that I'd asked. I really needed to work on the whole think-first-ask-later thing. It would save me so much trouble.
He leaned over, cuddling up next to my side, as he draped his arm over my stomach, making patterns across my flesh with his fingertips.
"Do I really need to answer that?" he said.
Before I could ask him to elaborate, a loud knock came from the door of the trailer.
"Yeah?" Declan called out.
Someone from outside shouted, "Declan, you're needed on set! Five minutes."
"Damn," he said quietly before shouting, "Got it!"
He glanced at me and smirked, his eyes glowing a bright green with those flecks of blue and brown in them. He looked young and carefree, and I silently hoped it was a direct result of me.
At that moment, I knew I was in deeper than I'd realized. Fuck buddies didn't want to make each other happy or be the reason each other woke up in the morning. I felt like I was at a fork in the road with Declan. Our relationship was changing. I could turn left and let our f**k-buddy status continue, trying to keep him at a distance, until he moved back to L.A., or I could turn right and follow my heart even if it ended up in pieces at the end.
"You okay?" he asked, noticing my far-off look.
"Yep," I said brightly. "You better get dressed, soldier boy. I think they might come in for you next time if you don't get out there soon."
"All right, all right. I probably need to stop by hair and makeup. I'm pretty sure I need a touch-up or two after that," he said with a wink.
I looked him up and down as he hopped off the bed. He was so damn beautiful. He was sculpted like a piece of art, every single arch and curve seemed to be chiseled by masters. His hair was a disheveled mess, which was probably my fault. Yeah, he'd definitely need to get that fixed. The makeup didn't look half bad. It was supposed to make him look rough and dirty, and he still looked like that, but I was no expert.
He quickly redressed, and then he leaned over the bed to place a quick kiss on my lips.
"Rest if you want. We should begin filming again in twenty minutes if you want to watch. We are moving to the open field to the right of the cemetery though. It's the tail end of a battle scene, so a few extras will be on set."
I nodded, and he kissed me again before heading out.
What the hell was happening? Less than two weeks ago, we were simple, easy. We had gotten together, come together, and then gone our separate ways. Wasn't that the way we'd both wanted it? But then, things had begun to change, and I didn't know what to do anymore. This man —this arrogant, cocky man who I called Hotshot —was turning out to be more, and I didn't know if my heart could handle that.
After a while, I finally rose from our little love nest in the trailer. I slipped back into my clothes and returned to the land of the living. Opening the door to the trailer, I was met by the sun. While we were busy making love, the sun had woken up and made its appearance. It was still cold, and the air felt crisp, but the ground was covered in golden leaves. The trees, which were quickly becoming bare, looked beautiful, silver and statuesque against the landscape.
I began my journey toward the open field Declan had mentioned where they were now filming, passing by the cemetery that we had been in earlier. An old grave caught my eye, and I was suddenly mesmerized by the history surrounding me. The cemetery was still used, but this was the original section. The headstones here dated back to the Civil War and some even earlier. Without even thinking, I headed left, weaving my way through the old stones, looking at the names of those so long ago forgotten —mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, and children...so many children lost. It had been a different time when the life expectancy was so low, and children had been cherished in a different way. Mothers had been grateful if their children made it to adulthood. Today, that was something we all took for granted.