"Do you have any children?" Hillary asked lovingly as she watched the two men in her life meet for the first time.
She smiled as Teegan carefully leaned down, nuzzling the three of them close together as a happy new family.
"No. No kids for me."
"Well there's still time. You will be a wonderful mother," Teegan said encouragingly.
I just smiled. There would be no children in my future. Children deserved to grow up in a loving home, with two parents who adored each other. I didn't have that. Besides, I had been raised in a house that was anything but loving. What would I know about properly raising a child?
The night air was chilly against my skin as I pulled my coat closer to my body. The thin scrubs that covered my legs were doing little to block the wind gusting through the parking lot of the hospital. Just as I reached my car, my purse started vibrating and playing the Superman theme song. I was a ringtone whore. I must have spent half my paycheck downloading songs and ringtones in iTunes store. I had a different ringtone for every person in my Contact List. I hand-selected the tone based on the person, making sure each song fit their personality. This particular ringtone, the one from the original movie, with its sweeping melodic ballad, was for Logan. He always reminded me of a superhero because he was so giving and selfless, so I made him one —on my phone at least.
"Hey Superman. What's up?"
"Hey Leah. You still at work?"
"Well, technically, yes." I said, starting to do a little dance in the middle of the deserted parking lot in an effort to keep my toes from falling off.
"I'm in the parking lot. Why? Are you okay?"
Suddenly I was concerned. Logan had been diagnosed with Hodgkin's disease several months earlier, and although the prognosis looked good, after several rounds of chemotherapy and radiation, I still worried.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm actually here at work too."
Logan was a doctor and we worked at the same hospital. He worked in the emergency room though, so we very rarely saw each other.
"I wanted to ask a favor. We just had a pretty bad car accident come through. Trucker fell asleep at the wheel and veered off into oncoming traffic. Clipped a car, sending it head-on into a tree. We did everything we could for the driver, but she didn't make it. The trucker is fine, of course."
"What do you need me for Logan? You know I'm not trained in trauma, and it sounds like it's too late anyway."
"No, I know that." He paused as he let out a deep breath. "Leah, there's a kid."
I felt all the air leave my lungs at once. Oh God, that poor child.
"How old, Logan?"
"Seven."
"I'll be right there."
I walked back into the hospital, and headed towards the ER. Thoughts swarmed my mind as I tried to figure out what to do or say to a child who had just lost his mother. I was the same age when I'd lost mine. Granted, it wasn't the same situation. His hadn't chosen to leave him. But it was still a loss. I knew what it could do to a child. The loss could eat away, slowly taking that childhood innocence until there's nothing but bitterness and longing. If it hadn't been for my best friend Clare and her family, I would have been swallowed by it.
I rounded the corner and found Logan reviewing a file at the nurse’s station. He looked tired and worn. We'd tried to talk him into taking time off, but he'd refused. He'd said he would go f**king nuts if he was left with nothing to do. We had managed to get him to reduce his hours and work part-time during his treatments, but on nights like this, when the job got rough, I could see it wearing on him.
"Hey, how are you doing?" I asked.
He looked up at me and at that moment, I knew what losing a patient meant to him. He was destroyed.
"Oh God, Logan...I'm sorry," I said, pulling him into a tight hug.
I'd lost patients before. I knew the pain and guilt, worrying that I could have done more. I remembered the few I'd lost like it was yesterday. I remembered their names, the parents who grieved the lost lives and the years that had passed by without them.
"I don't know why this one is affecting me so much more. It's not like this is the first time I've lost someone on the table."
"You're a father now Logan." I said, pulling back from our embrace.
"Every mother you save is Clare. Every child you bandage up is Maddie. It's harder now to separate yourself from your patients because you feel so much more."
"You're right. I can't stop thinking about that child. He's parentless now. There's no father on record. We can't find a next of kin. He said they were on their way to visit a close family friend so we are trying to make contact. Social services is on their way."
"Hey, it's okay. You did everything you could. Go home. Be with your wife and daughter and let them help you get through this. I've got this. I'll take care of him until Social Services come, all right?"
He nodded before pulling me into another hug.
We said our good-byes, and I made my way towards the room that held the child. His name was Connor. He sustained only mild injuries from the accident, since he'd been in the back of the car.
Right before I was about to push open the door open, I paused, feeling panic rise in my chest.
What was I doing?
I should find someone else to go in there —a mother maybe, someone who would know what to say or do. I didn't have any experience with children beyond my goddaughter, Maddie. What the hell did I know about caring for a hopeless child? Isn't that something I should have learned from my own parents? All I learned from my mother and father was how to abandon and hurt.
Looking around the empty hallway, I realized there was no one else. It was only me. I had to do something. I entered the room, and my heart fell. He was sitting in the center of the bed with knees pulled to the center of his chest and his head lowered. He was clutching something in his left hand, but I couldn't make out what it was. A paper, or a photo maybe? Tears trickled down his legs, and I heard him heave in a breath as he sobbed.
As I clicked the door shut, his eyes jerked up and found me. They were hazel and looked like paint splatters. Blue, green, and brown were mixed together to create one of the most beautiful sets of eyes I'd ever seen. They were so unique, yet familiar. I felt the overwhelming need to pull him into my arms and tell him everything would be okay even though I had no proof otherwise.
"Who are you?" he questioned.
"I'm Leah."
"Are you here to take me away?" he asked cautiously.
"No, I'm not taking you anywhere. I'm a nurse."