“Sorry! Was just in a hurry to get to…hey, aren’t you supposed to be down at the pool with Clare and Maddie?” I asked suspiciously. I could see the straps of her bathing suit peeking out from under her cover up and a towel was tucked under her arm, but there was no Maddie or Clare anywhere.
“I was, but they never showed. I was on my way to investigate. Want to help?” she asked with an arched brow.
My answer was to turn and knock on Clare’s door. It wasn’t like her to blow off Leah without so much as a word. I know it was only a trip to the pool, but Clare was raised in the South and her manners were impeccable. I took her to a dinner party a week or so ago, not really explaining where we were going, and she about died when we showed up…without a hostess gift. A hostess gift? What the hell was that? Apparently it was a thing; a big thing to Clare. The next day she’d sent a card and a gift to apologize for her fiancé’s oversight. Living in the South was a new and different world.
After a few moments, the door finally opened and Clare emerged, dressed in a pair of yoga pants and tank top. Definitely not pool attire.
“Oh. Hey, guys,” she said, before turning around and walking back into the bedroom. Leah and I turned to each other confused, before walking into the suite together.
I looked around and everything was as neat as a pin. There were no clothes, no shoes…nothing. It looked like it did the first moment we walked in a few days ago. What the hell was going on?
Before I had a second longer to ponder, I heard soft sobs coming from Maddie’s room. I immediately went to her, opening the bedroom door to find her curled up on her bed with her knees tucked under her chin. She was dressed in her hot pink Dora the Explorer bathing suit and a towel was lying next to her.
“Hey, Princess. What’s the matter?”
Her eyes opened and focused on me and she briefly wiped away the tears before sitting up. I sat down next to her and she curled her body into mine. I loved when she did this. It was natural now. She didn’t even have to think about it. When I put her to bed, or snuggled with her on the couch, she just melted into me. Such trust. I didn’t know how in the world I ever deserved it, but I would spend the rest of my life trying to be a man who was worthy of it.
“Mommy says we have to go home.”
My stomach fell to the floor and I couldn’t breathe.
“What?” I managed to say, before looking up to see Leah’s horrified face. She had stopped at the entry way, obviously not wanting to overwhelm Maddie…but still curious as to what had made our girl cry.
“I told her I didn’t want to leave the beach. I told her I wanted to see her in her pretty dress.”
“And what did she say?” I asked hesitantly.
“She said I would, but not yet. She said we had to get home. It wasn’t safe staying here.”
I took a deep breath. Clare was freaking out again. She was panicking and rushing home where she felt safe. Where she felt I was safe.
“It’s okay Princess. We’re not going anywhere okay? I’ll fix it.”
“Are you sure? Mommy said…”
“I know what she said, but I’ll change her mind, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Leah, can you take Maddie to the pool for a bit while I talk to Clare?”
“Sure thing!” she said brightly, trying to lighten the mood. “Come on, Short Stack,” she said, holding out her hand to Maddie, “Let’s go play in the water!”
Maddie held her hand out to Leah and gave a small giggle which was progress. Leah scooped her up and exited the bedroom. By the time they were leaving the suite, I could hear the two laughing. One girl down, one more to go.
~Clare~
There were times during Ethan’s illness when I literally thought my chest was caving in. The doctors told me it was due to stress. Acute panic attacks, I guess. Sometimes there were just too many things to remember—what drugs he was supposed to take and when, what doctor’s appointments to go to on what days, and what needed to be done…just in case. I kept my cool most of the time. I kept my brave face to show Ethan and the rest of the world. But there were times when I literally couldn’t breathe…when it felt like there were so many thoughts in my head that if I had just one more, it would literally explode.
And that’s when I would just shut down. I think it was for my own sanity. An off switch or something would engage and I would just shut down for a few hours until the breath returned to my lungs and my chest felt like it was back to its normal size.
As I was packing everything back into my suitcase the day before my wedding, I wondered how quickly we could get a flight back to Richmond. Listening to my daughter cry in the room next to me, I felt like I was moments away from that switch being flipped again.
He passed out. Right in front of me. The doctors told us he was going to be fine. We caught it early they said. A little bit of chemo and radiation and it should be fine, they said. I took a breath and stopped worrying after they told us that. He wasn’t Ethan. There wasn’t anything poisoning his brain, and he wasn’t going to die on me. We would get through this. Right after we said our vows and celebrated our marriage.
But then he nearly passed out on that beach and I forgot how to breathe again. Every fear, every moment of agony came rushing back. I told myself I would fight for him…that I would be strong for us. But…Oh God, what if the doctors were wrong? What if he wasn’t okay? What if he died, just like Ethan and I became a widow…again.
Neat folding turned into frantic packing. I started tossing everything in the suitcase without any sort of organization. TSA would just screw it all up right? I took one last look at my wedding dress, tucked away in its garment bag and put those sad thoughts behind me.
We needed to go home. Logan needed to go home. I would not lose another husband.
A knock on the door pulled my attention from thoughts and I saw Logan come into the bedroom. I had completely forgotten I had let him and Leah in a few minutes ago. I was so lost in myself I had barely registered opening the door.
“Hey, what is this I hear about us leaving?” he said, walking forward to take a seat on the bed next to me.
“We need to go home. I don’t feel right being here. You need to be home, with your doctors and immediate care if you need it.”
“And our wedding?” he asked.
I physically flinched at the reminder. By this time tomorrow, had things been different, Leah and my mother would be helping me into my wedding gown, making the final touches to my makeup. We would most likely be laughing as we watched Maddie twirl around in her dress, elated over her role as flower girl.