“What are you doing here? How did you know?” I asked, the words stumbling out of my mouth in a rush.
“Leah told me. Why didn’t you?” he questioned, pain clearly echoing in his words.
“I don’t know,” I answered, “I figured this was too much, too soon. I didn’t think you’d want to be here for this...for a woman you’d just started seeing. I mean, we haven’t even slept together,” I threw out the last part in a rush, hating myself for even saying it.
“Jesus, Clare. Do you think I’m only here for sex?” he hissed, clearly hurt.
“No, I’m sorry. I don’t. I just, I don’t know...I thought you wouldn’t want to be here,” I admitted.
Breathing deeply, he took a step forward, angling my chin so he could look me in the eyes. “Clare, this...what we’re doing. It has to be all or nothing. And I want all of you. When you cry, I want to be the one holding you. No matter the reason. So please, let me hold you,” he whispered.
I went willingly into his arms, doing exactly what I wanted to do since the moment I saw him. I buried my face in his chest and let out a sob I had been holding back all day. It felt cathartic and supremely overdue, like a dam spilling over after years of neglect.
“I still love him, Logan,” I confessed.
“I know, baby. I know. It’s okay,” he soothed.
His arms wrapped around my small frame, his large hand cradling my head as tears flowed. I don’t know how long he held me like this. It could have been minutes, hours, I don’t know, but he didn’t waver. He just held me, letting me have this day to grieve, to remember.
~Logan~
Holding Clare while she grieved for another man was probably the hardest thing I had ever done. While logically, I understood it, and could convince myself it was normal and healthy, and exactly the way it should be. The man, the Neanderthal male inside of me was screaming. He was banging his chest, growling, and yelling because I had just spent the last hour holding my woman, yes mine, as she grieved another man that she still loved. Insecurity threatened to take over as we drove back to the house in silence and I wondered if she could ever love me as much as she loved him. Would I ever measure up? As if sensing my unease, Clare’s hand covered mine, calming me. She had become my constant when everything else was a chaotic mess.
I took her home and Leah left shortly after, leaving the three of us alone. I helped Clare throw something together for dinner and we put Maddie to bed early. She was asleep within minutes, the exhaustion from the day claiming her almost instantly. Swaying on her feet, Clare was minutes away from collapsing herself. I lifted her in my arms, savoring the feel of her body close to mine, and walked the short distance to her bedroom. It was the first time I’d been in there, carefully avoiding the room she’d shared with her husband.
I gently laid her on the bed and pulled the covers over her tired body. Her eyes had already drifted shut, sleep finally taking hold of her. She looked beautiful like this, and I could lie here for hours watching her sleep. But I was not staying here, in this sacred place, without permission, especially today. I quietly made my way to the door when I heard her shift.
“Logan, don’t leave me,” she murmured.
I froze. “Are you sure?” I asked, turning to meet her eyes as she looked at me from across the room.
“Yes. Please, just hold me.”
“Always,” I vowed.
I came to the opposite side of the bed, quietly undoing the buttons of my shirt as she watched through sleepy eyes. I kicked off my shoes, unbuckled my belt and dropped my jeans. Pulling the covers down, I slid in next to her, never breaking eye contact. Realizing she was still completely clothed, she lifted her hips to slide her jeans off and cuddled in next to me, wearing only a tight t-shirt and panties. God, she was gorgeous. Laying on my side, I wrapped my arms around, fitting her to my body. Her back to my front.
Hating myself for it, but knowing I had no choice, I asked, “What was he like?” I had to know her, all of her, including this man who would forever own a piece of her heart.
“He was the perfect balance of crazy and responsible,” she began. “He’d be the first one to suggest something stupid at a frat party, but he’d beat everyone out the door for early morning classes on Monday. He was the only person I knew who carried perfect grades and never studied,” she said, giving a quiet laugh.
“He was an orphan. His parents were killed in a car accident when he was a teenager and he was lost without them. When I brought him home for the first time and my family took him in with open arms, he said he finally felt grounded again.”
She paused and I kissed her shoulder encouraging her to continue. I think she needed this as much as I did.
“He loved to surf. I used to call him my surfer boy. We always looked ridiculous standing next to each other. He was blonde, tan and muscular, and I was a skinny redhead who hated the beach because it made my skin burn. But we made it work, and I did eventually grow to love the beach.”
We lay still for a long time and I listened to her breathe. Just when I started to wonder if she had fallen asleep, she rolled over in my arms, staring into me with those emerald green eyes.
“I don’t compare you to him, Logan. I don’t keep a checklist trying to figure out which one of you will win “Clare’s Great Love” contest. Ethan, as much as I will always love him,” her voice faltered, “is gone. And I can’t live my life married to a ghost. You are here with me now. And I want all of you.”
Squeezing my eyes tight with emotions I wasn’t used to having, I kissed her forehead and thanked God I was the one who walked in that ER room.
I awoke to the feeling of something, or someone rather, poking me in the head. My eyes fluttered open to find Maddie staring at me, a doll in hand and a smile plastered on her face as she said, “Can I sleep with you?”
I was surprised she wasn’t screaming, “Why are you in bed with my Mommy!?” I shrugged, letting her climb in next to me, but instead, she climbed up and over me, causing me to grunt, as she kicked me in the side and kneed me in the ribs. How the hell was Clare sleeping through this? I looked over and she was peacefully sleeping, the epitome of calm, while I was getting punched. Maddie settled herself between the two of us, pulling my hand so it rested over her tiny body, like a miniature version of spooning. She snuggled deeply and sighed, obviously contented with her new sleeping arrangement as she reached over to drape a hand over her Mom’s side. We now created a three person spoon, well four, if you counted the doll. I drifted back to sleep with a grin on my face, and a dull ache in my ribs.