I have so many things I want to say to you, so many words that I could write. But how do you fit a lifetime into a letter? How do you tell your wife everything you feel when there aren’t enough words to describe them? I’ve loved you since the moment I saw you standing in that disgusting bar, trying to fend off that drunken ogre. You’ve always been my number one, and my reason for living.
I thought we’d have a lifetime together. I thought I’d have decades to tell you and teach you all the ways in which I love you. I thought we would grow old together, watching our children conquer the world. But I don’t have years, or months, and I hate the thought of leaving you alone.
I know you will survive without me because you’re a fighter. You’re strong and brave and willing to give up everything for the ones you love. I’ve seen it firsthand. You will be the best parent to Maddie a child could ever possible have. Don’t doubt yourself. And please, make sure she knows about her old man. At least the good stuff.
You are my soul mate Clare, and the love of my life. Thank you so much for giving me your heart and your soul. It was the greatest gift a man could receive. But, now I have to give it back. My life is ending, but yours carries on. You can’t go through life without love, and you have too much of it to give. If love finds you again, don’t fight it. Don’t let grief hold you back. Love is a risk, there are no guarantees. But, in the end, it is always, always worth it.
The love of your life is still waiting Clare, go find him.
Yours always for eternity,
Ethan
The tears slid down my face as I read it, knowing Ethan had poured his soul into this letter. It was exactly what I needed to hear. Even now, he was still taking care of me.
I slowly rose, taking one last look at the marker where our shells still rested at the top. I counted them, making sure they were all still there and got to…eleven? I counted again and reached the same number.
Taking a step forward, I picked up the foreign shell, flipping back and forth in my hand, until it dawned on me where I had seen it before. Logan’s house. On his mantel.
Placing the shell back on the headstone, I said, “Thank you, Ethan,” and quietly turned, walking to the parking lot. As soon as I got into car, I began punching in numbers on my cell phone, waiting for an answer.
“Hello?” a gruff voice answered.
“Colin, I need to find Logan. Now,” I said as I sped out of the cemetery.
~Logan~
You would think I would be used to these types of rooms, stark white walls, and the pungent smell of cleaner. But being on the receiving end, the side that wasn’t in control? It made my skin crawl. Give me the lab coat and scrubs any day.
Unable to sit on that paper-covered exam bed, I paced the exam room like a lion, waiting for the oncologist to come in. He was someone I knew, which would either make it better, or really awkward.
So, Dr. Matthews, heard you have cancer? That’s a total bummer.
Yeah, I was going for awkward.
The nurse who had brought me in here and took my vitals had given me the “I’m sorry you might die look”. She must be new. I thought they would have trained that right out of them in a place like this, and instead replaced it with something more nurturing like “We’re here if you need us.”
Fuck, I didn’t want to be here. But a doctor refusing treatment probably wouldn’t look good. And, as much as I hated these walls, and the creepy nurse, I really preferred to be alive and kicking. Even if I was alone.
It had been a week.
She’d listened and stayed away for an entire week. I don’t know if that was a good sign or bad. I missed her more than I could put into words. After Melanie and Gabe left, it was just me in that great big house. Colin and Ella would stop by occasionally, making sure I was fed and watered, but it wasn’t the same without her. I saw her and Maddie everywhere I went. At the ice cream shop around the corner, at work when I’d examine a small child, and when I’d lie in bed wishing Clare was beside me.
But I told her I would give her time, and I would. As much as she needed, or as much as I had to give. I just hoped she didn’t wait too long.
A knock sounded at the door and I gave the okay for the doctor to enter.
Looking up, I saw a familiar set of green eyes and burgundy red hair enter the room.
“Clare?”
She rushed into my arms and brought her lips to mine.
It had been too long and my control snapped. I deepened the kiss instantly as my hands wrapped around her body.
Breaking our kiss, she looked at me, her eyes full of purpose.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry it took me so long. I was just so confused. I couldn’t get myself to take the leap,” she said.
“What changed your mind?” I asked.
She was here. In my arms. I was never ever letting her go.
“Not what. Who,” she said.
Who?” I inquired, confused.
Reaching into her purse, she pulled out a piece of paper, a letter, and as I quickly scanned it, I realized it was a letter from Ethan.
“Read it.”
“Are you sure, Clare? Where did you get this?”
“I’ve had it for years. I just wasn’t ready. Please Logan, read it,” she begged, her eyes bright and full of excitement.
I took a seat in the corner, reading the letter that Clare entrusted me with. It was a beautiful letter and I would have normally felt jealousy reading someone else declaring their undying love for Clare on paper, but I felt nothing but gratitude. When I finished, I looked up at her, tears blurring my eyes, humbled by Ethan’s selfless words.
“I’ve found him. You’re the love of my life,” she whispered.
A single phone call had made me feel like my life had ended, but two sentences had brought it springing back from the depths of hell.
“But, what if...” I started to ask.
“No. No ‘what if’s’,” she said, “We’re meant to be, we can handle anything.”
Hearing her words, seeing her stand before me baring her soul, made me feel invincible. She was right. Cancer or no, we could handle anything life threw at us, as long as we were together.
“Marry me,” I said, pulling the ring I had carried in my pocket for weeks, finally placing it on her finger where it belonged. It was about the most unromantic place for a marriage proposal ever, but considering everything we’d been through, and everything we would go through, it was perfect.
“Oh my God! Where did you get that?” she cried, looking down at mammoth ring now residing on her finger. It looked perfect, just as I knew it would.