"Bullshit. You're allowed to be unhappy about not remembering one-sixth of your damn life. Just know that whatever you want to ask about the last four years, I'm here as your own personal encyclopedia." Tapping her finger to her forehead, she added, "I've got everything stored right up here."
Biting my lip, I considered what part of my past I wanted to know about the most. There was really no question. My father's death.
"Jordan, what happened to my father?" I asked in a quiet voice, as if no one else knew about his passing.
She inhaled deeply and blew the air out of her lungs in a hard wooosh. "Oh, honey. I was afraid you were going to ask that. It was tough on you. I can tell you that."
"What happened? He was so young."
She shook her head and frowned. "You and Kim never found out what really happened. All I know is this. He was in Newark investigating some story and was found dead in a parking garage."
"Shot?"
Nodding, she answered quietly, "Yeah. The police said he was murdered execution style."
Tears welled in my eyes. "Oh my God! Why would someone do that to him? He was a writer who investigated things like small town politics. Who kills someone over nepotism on the town council?"
I couldn't hold back the tears as I had since my sister had told me about my father's death. They poured down over my cheeks as I buried my face in my hands, and my body heaved with each sob. My father was murdered and I'd forgotten the whole thing!
Jordan sat down beside me and took me in her arms. "Let it out, sweetie. You have to let it out or you'll get like you did then."
Another thing I couldn't remember.
I buried my face in her shoulder and did exactly that. I let all the sadness out until I couldn't cry anymore. Until I felt hollow and empty.
Pulling away from Jordan, I asked, "What do you mean I'll get like I did then? What happened to me then?"
She smoothed the hair from my forehead and wiped her thumb under my eyes. "It was pretty bad. You didn't get out of bed for weeks. Thank God your professors were understanding since it was your senior year because day after day, no matter how I tried, you wouldn't do anything but lay in bed. Sometimes you cried. Other times you just stared up at the ceiling or off in the distance."
"For how long?"
"Honey, it went on for a long time. Even after you came back to life, I was worried you might never be the same old Nina again."
"I wish I knew who that same old Nina was now," I admitted sadly. "I feel like I'm missing so much of me."
"You're still you, Nina. It's all in there. It's just a matter of it coming out."
I sat back against the couch cushions and hung my head. Just thinking about my father's death was exhausting. It was like he'd just died that day and not years before. My heart hurt at Jordan's description of his murder.
Looking up, I asked, "Am I really the same? Of anybody, you'd know. Am I? What was I like when I got into that accident?"
"Blissfully happy. I'd never seen you as happy as when you were with Tristan. I mean, I don't want to say it was perfect. Nothing is. But you were as happy as anyone could want to be."
"Is he as incredible as I think he is?"
"Yeah. He is. When you moved in with him, he paid the rest of your portion of the rent for the year. When that weird guy attacked us on the front steps, he let me stay at his hotel in a gorgeous suite for weeks because you asked him to. You were worried for my safety, and he didn't blink an eye. You wanted something and he made it happen."
"Why don't I remember any of that? Why can't I remember how much in love with him I was? Don't you think I'd remember that? I mean, I can understand not wanting to remember my father's death, but Tristan is wonderful. And the rest of those four years couldn't have been all bad. Were they?"
"No. They weren't all bad. We had some really fun times once you got back to being yourself. Two single girls living in New York. Good times."
Her smile faded as the words trailed off. She was hiding something. It hadn't been all good times.
"What aren't you telling me, Jordan?"
"It's not important. Your life was as good as anyone who's just out of college and trying to make it on their own."
"But?"
"But nothing. You were happy."
Everything in her face said otherwise, though. What had been so bad about my life?
"Tell me, Jordan. I need to know."
She got up from the couch and walked toward the kitchen. "Jordan, tell me!" I called after her.
She stopped dead in the living room doorway and with her back to me asked, "Cal. Do you remember him?"
"Of course. I was crazy about him."
Turning around, she looked at me with pain in her eyes. "Do you remember what happened between the two of you?"
I thought about what I knew about Cal. "We broke it off because he had the chance to study abroad in Spain for a year. He was a junior and it was the chance of a lifetime, so we broke up. But it wasn't anything awful."
"That wasn't the end of it. He came back and you two began seeing each other again, but he wasn't the same guy. Whatever he did in Europe, he came back a real asshole."
"What are you saying?"
She walked away into the kitchen, and I followed her, needing to know what the hell she was talking about. Standing with her back to me, she shook her head. "It was bad, Nina. He was a real shit. You were crazy about him, madly in love, and he..."
She stopped and said nothing for a long time.
"He what?" I finally demanded.
She spun around and I couldn't tell if she was angry or upset. "He fucked you up really bad, Nina. You didn't just break up another time. He broke your heart. You told him you loved him and what did he do? He cheated on you that very fucking night!"
My memory of Cal wasn't of a love meant for the ages, but I had no idea what she was talking about. I'd been disappointed when we broke up so he could go to Spain, but I understood why. The person she was describing wasn't the person I'd cared about, though.
"I can't believe that. Cal and I had been fun together. I never thought it was going to be a forever thing, but we had fun. We cared about each other."
"Well, it wasn't like that when you got back together. He was a real dick. He left you in pieces, Nina. Pieces. It was like it was when your father died all over again. Even worse, if you ask Kim."
"Why? What happened?"
Jordan's body sagged under the weight of what she was saying. "You said some things about wanting to die. I don't think you ever really meant it, but it was a lot to deal with. I was afraid for a long time that you might do something."