After they left, I followed him to Rogers' room. He leaned against the doorframe and stared at the spot where just a short while earlier the last thing he'd said was that the soul he'd known for longer than any other was dead to him. My heart broke as I watched what I knew was guilt wash over him. He had nothing to feel guilty for, but that didn't matter.
For someone who said so little, to have his words come back to haunt him was likely more painful than I could ever imagine. I wanted to make it all go away, to bring a smile to his face like he'd done so many times for me, but the pain he was feeling was too deep for me to reach.
Chapter Twenty-One
Nina
Christmas came, but it had a pall over it that neither of us could deny. Rogers' funeral couldn't take place until after the holiday, so there was no closure to give Tristan any peace. He pretended to be happy for my sake, but I sensed him slipping into a dark place that scared me.
I wanted to call off the New Year's celebration with Jordan and Justin at the penthouse, but Tristan insisted, saying life had to go on. He didn't seem to be going on, though. He spoke even less than usual, and at times he seemed to be lost in his thoughts, staring off in the distance. Still there beside me, he seemed empty and hollow. The gentle smile that made me so happy was almost entirely absent, and his eyes were always full of sadness.
Just as we'd planned, we all met at the penthouse at ten on New Year's Eve. Jordan and Justin didn't know about what had happened to Rogers, but even they could tell something was wrong with Tristan. It wasn't just that he was so quiet. That was nothing new. It was a feeling of sadness that covered him even as he pretended to be interested in celebrating.
Justin and he sat watching some New Year's Eve special after an incredible dinner of filet mignon that Tristan barely touched while Jordan joined me in the kitchen, our first time alone since I'd told her the news that we hadn't gotten married.
Whispering near my ear, she said, "Nina, what's going on? Did you two break up and you didn't want to blow us off for tonight? Tristan looks devastated about something."
I shook my head and let my body sag against the counter, finally able to talk about the whole thing with Rogers with somebody. "No. We couldn't elope because Rogers died. Tristan's not handling it well."
Jordan's eyes grew wide. "Oh, my God! What happened? He wasn't that old."
"He was hit by a car right outside the gate at the house. But that's not all. They had a terrible fight before and Tristan threw him out."
"Why? What's going on?"
I lowered my voice even more and leaned in next to her. "I don't know. Rogers was helping someone in Tristan's company who I think wants to hurt me. When Tristan found out, he went into a rage and nearly strangled him. The last thing he said was that Rogers was dead to him, and then less than an hour later he was dead. I don't think Tristan can forgive himself."
"Oh, honey, I'm so sorry for him, but now I'm worried. Who is this person Rogers was helping? Why would he want to hurt you?"
"I don't know. His name is Karl, and I've only met him once. I can only guess it has something to do with Stone Worldwide, but I don't know why anyone would want to hurt me because of that," I admitted, hoping Jordan could see something I couldn't.
"Does he have security to make sure this Karl creep doesn't get around you?" she asked as she looked out toward the living room.
I thought about her question. "I don't think so. Maybe. I'm not sure. I think he has cameras here at the hotel, so maybe he has them everywhere. He wouldn't let anyone hurt me, Jordan."
"I know. I know," she said as she took my hands in hers and stared into my eyes. "I'm his biggest fan. Trust me, Nina. What did I tell you in the hospital? It doesn't matter what you remember. Just watch how he acts toward you. The man loves you. Of that, I'm certain. I just worry because he's obviously in a funk. I don't want to see either of you hurt."
I nodded, looking out at Tristan as he sat there staring at the TV. I could tell he wasn't even paying attention to what was on the screen. "I'm worried about him, Jordan. He's slipping away right in front of my eyes. He loved Rogers like a father, and now he's really got no family at all."
"He's got you, sweetie."
I squeezed her hand tightly in mine. "I don't know if I'm enough. He keeps telling me he's fucked up. I don't know what he means. What if I'm not enough?"
Jordan lifted my chin with her hand and looked at me with an expression more serious than she had since that first moment I opened my eyes and saw her sitting there in my hospital room. "Nina Edwards, don't you doubt yourself. You're much stronger than your sister or even your father ever thought you were. You love him, so don't you let him fall into something that he may never come out of."
"He doesn't want to talk. He goes out for hours at a time, and I don't know where he goes. I text him to ask and he just texts back that he's clearing his head. Then he comes back home and he smells like he's been drinking. He sleeps in his room, but I swear I hear noises like he's up all night watching horror movies or something. I hear what sounds like someone in pain."
"Maybe if you two got away. I know it's not the time to get married now, but maybe just a vacation to one of his hotels. Get out of town and start fresh?"
"I could try. I don't know what else to do," I admitted sadly. I didn't. I felt helpless to do much of anything. Tristan's walls were so thick, and it seemed like they were getting worse every day.
"Don't give up on him. You were like this after your father died. I didn't know what to do either, but I just stuck with you, telling you that you weren't alone. You came out of it eventually. So will he."
Justin walked toward us and gave Jordan the look boyfriends give when they want to leave. I couldn't blame him. We weren't exactly the host and hostess with the mostess. Ringing in the New Year in such somber surroundings wasn't fun, so after hugs and promises we'd all get together soon, they left.
Tristan sat quietly as the city below exploded in celebration, people toasting a new year and another chance. I curled up next to him, but he didn't move. My heart broke to see him so sad.
"Happy new year."
He said nothing, as if he was thinking about what I'd said, and finally turned his head toward me. "I love you, Nina. Don't ever think I don't."
"I know you do. I can't stand to see you like this. I want to make you feel better like you did for me when I was laid up in that hospital bed, but you keep pushing me away. I'm afraid you're going to push me right out of your life."