She looks down at the floor. “No,” she answers, surprising me, because I thought her hesitation was all the answer I needed. “But there was a time when I tried.” She can’t look at me for a moment. She appears ashamed. “But don’t worry about me, or feel like I’m somehow a threat. I’m not. And I don’t want to be. That’s not what any of this is about and it never was. I guess since I tried to hook up with Luke months ago, he can’t help but mistake my concern for jealousy. It’s understandable, I guess. Frustrating, but understandable.”
“But … something you said,” I begin. “You mentioned something about if I found out about the two of you.” Was Luke telling the truth? And why am I now suddenly feeling sick to my stomach because of the possibility that he was?
She shakes her head and corrects me. “No, I said ‘about us,’ but I wasn’t talking about Luke and me. I was talking about all of us. Me, Seth, Luke, Alicia, and Braedon.”
Suddenly Kendra jumps up from the chair, lets out a long, deep breath, and heads for the door. I get the feeling she doesn’t want to talk about anything having to do with her and Luke anymore, beyond what she’s already admitted.
I feel a sort of panic rising up in me because she didn’t elaborate on her explanation. “But … what were you talking about, then?” I ask with faint desperation in my eyes—now that I know Luke was telling the truth, I need to know what the rest of the truth is. “What about you and Luke and Seth and everybody?”
She sighs and shakes her head, looking briefly at the carpeted floor.
“Luke didn’t want you to know before,” she says, “because he thought it would scare you off. It always does with girls like you.”
“But what does—girls like me—I don’t understand.” I can’t decide which question to ask first.
Kendra smiles slimly, but it looks more apologetic than anything else.
“Sweet girls with their heads on straight and their feet firmly planted on the ground,” she says. “That’s all I mean.”
My gaze drops to the floor as I try to take it all in, but I’m just becoming more frustrated.
“What does he do, Kendra?”
“If he didn’t want you to know,” she says. “then it’s not my place to tell you. I really am sorry.” She fits her long fingers around the lever door handle. I get up from the bed and approach her. “About everything,” she goes on. “I didn’t mean to be such a bitch, and I think you’re a really nice person, not like those bitches that Seth goes through like socks.” She hesitates, but looks me right in the eyes. “Luke likes you a lot. I’ve never seen him as happy as he seems to be when he’s with you. Not even with any girl before Landon died. And Seth told me that when he talked to Luke this morning he didn’t seem himself. And it’s all my fault. And I’m just tryin’ to make it right by coming here and clearing the air. But Luke is in a lot of pain; not only because you left—that’s a given—but because he misses his brother and I worry about him a lot. We all do.”
Tears begin to well up in my eyes. I reach up and wipe underneath them. I want to know about this secret Luke has been keeping, this thing he’s so afraid will scare me off, but I want to go to him and be there for him, more than anything else. I want to hold him in my arms and let him use me to cry it all out if he needs to; I want to cry with him.
“Just do me a favor,” Kendra says at last. “It’s all I ask.”
I nod rapidly, eager to hear it and to oblige because, despite everything that happened before, I forgive her, and I feel really bad for her. And for Luke. My stomach is twisted in a thousand knots and my heart feels permanently broken, but for such a different reason than it did last night.
“If you decide to see Luke again,” she says with profound determination, “and if—when he tells you how Landon died, don’t let it scare you away. If you really like Luke as much as I think you do, remember why, and don’t let anything else change that.”
I don’t think I’ve ever been so baffled.
I nod, agreeing, even though I have no clue as to what I’m really agreeing to.
The door locks automatically behind Kendra after she leaves, and I’m left here alone, standing in a pool of confusion and dread. Why would how someone died scare me away? But mostly what I think about is the ominous feeling in my heart for Luke and what he must be going through. That’s what’s important right now. Luke lost his brother, and all I can think about is how much pain he must be in, how much he’s been in the whole time that I’ve been in Hawaii with him. I picture his smiling face and his infectious laughter and his vibrant, magnetic personality, and I wonder how he could be that way around me twenty-four hours a day and keep it together.
Then realization sinks in.
My shoulders slump with a long breath and I fall back onto the end of the bed and find myself staring at the carpet until the little specks of color bring weird spots before my eyes.
Luke always seemed distressed when it came to talk of his brother. I see it now for what it really was and I feel terrible for not pushing the issue further. I remember asking him about Landon once, about what was really bothering him, because I knew that something was. But I didn’t probe when he said nothing was wrong, and I feel nothing but guilt now. I should’ve dug deeper. I should’ve listened to my instincts.
TWENTY-THREE
Sienna
It’s raining again when I step off the plane on Kauai, and it rains on the taxi ride all the way back to Luke’s house. I pay the driver and step out into the downpour, covering my head with my hands until I make it up the steps, my purse hanging on one shoulder. My heart is beating a hundred miles a minute. I knew I’d be nervous to see him again after leaving the way I did last night, but things are so different now. I have so much to say, but, more important, I hope that Luke will give me so much to listen to.