“I think we have a verdict!” Seth says.
Kendra beams across the table at me.
“You’re all right,” she says, her way of thanking me not only for wanting me and Luke to go with them, but for everything else, too.
Luke’s lips fall on the side of my neck.
“I guess it’s settled then,” he says and he can’t mask the excitement in his voice.
It’s not until they start talking about Norway that I become the quiet one, sitting on Luke’s lap, listening, and trying to take it all in. They go on and on about it—things I sort of get, most of it I don’t: Equipment. Gear. This and that. Jumping off the Troll Wall. July ninth. And more about Landon.
Finally, when I can’t sit silently any longer, I ask, “Why is July ninth so important?”
The table gets quiet.
“It would’ve been Landon’s twenty-third birthday,” Luke says.
Kendra speaks up, all traces of excitement from before gone from her face. “It was something Landon wanted us all to do after China.”
“To honor Landon,” Luke says as he combs his fingers through my hair, “we agreed to go ahead with the plans and jump in Norway on his birthday.”
“Oh,” I say.
“And then next year,” Seth joins in, always with a smile, “we’ll be heading to Mexico and Australia, baby!” He leans his long arm across the table and bumps fists with Luke. I smile and laugh … No, I fake smile and fake laugh. Then Seth drinks down the last of his beer and heads toward the fridge. Kendra, without realizing it, saves me from having to explain the look creeping up on my face, the one I know is akin to another kind of fear—fear for Luke’s life. She jumps up from the table, trying to get to the fridge before Seth.
“Hey! Back off, Ken-doll!” He puts his big arm out and easily holds her at bay.
“Stop calling me that!” she growls, grabs him around the waist, worms her way past his giant form, and snatches the last two beers right out of his hand.
“Those are mine!” Luke calls out, and Seth and Kendra both freeze in their steps. “You want one?” he asks me quietly.
I shake my head. “No. I’m good.”
“Have at ’em,” he says, and their bodies reanimate as they scuffle a moment, only to end up with a beer each in the end.
I often wonder why the two of them aren’t together because they really seem into each other, but maybe they are holding everything back for the sake of friendship; I don’t know. I’d probably ask them about it right now, put them on the spot and join in on their fun, but this whole Norway thing in a couple of weeks is too heavy on my mind.
Luke tightens his arms around me.
“You sure you want to go with us tomorrow?” he asks.
His smile and those beautiful eyes that regard me with emotions I can’t begin to explain are enough to erase my newfound fear. Even if only for a little while.
I lean in and kiss his lips. “Yeah, definitely,” I say. “I look forward to seeing some of this world above the clouds that makes you the way you are.”
He presses his lips to my forehead.
“I can’t wait to show you,” he says, and I get lost in his smile.
It’s important to me that Luke know I’m not in his life to change his life, and I don’t want to be the reason he doesn’t go out with his friends and do the things that make him happy. I like him the way he is and I respect his close relationship with his friends. But another part of me is so afraid for him, for all of them; a part of me, as much as I want to be supportive, makes me feel like I don’t know what I’m getting myself into, and more than that, I don’t know if I can truly handle it.
Later I lie curled up next to Luke, listening to the steady sound of his breath as he sleeps, the thrumming of his heartbeat against my cheek, and I don’t recall ever having so many profound thoughts running through my head all at one time. So many decisions that I have to make. So many unavoidable consequences of each and every one of them.
I want to stay here with Luke, but I can’t. I want to prove Seth right about Luke’s persuasive abilities and be stripped of my fear once and for all so I can experience the things they experience no matter how reckless and dangerous, but I won’t. I want to shake Kendra and tell her that she’ll be OK and in order to let Landon go she should talk about him, but I’m afraid. I want to stop spending all my time working and start photographing more, but I’m conflicted. I want to be able to know Landon Everett as closely as Luke and Seth and Kendra because he was so loved by them all and seemed like such an extraordinary person, but I know that’s impossible. But most of all, I want to stop feeling this strange darkness inside of me, this looming sense of fear and worry for Luke, and even Kendra and Seth, because of what they do, but I have a feeling that darkness will never go away.
“Why are you crying?” I hear Luke’s voice in the darkness. I hadn’t realized he was awake.
He rolls over and drapes his arm over my chest, wiping the tears from my cheeks.
“Ummm …” I can’t find the right words.
“Sienna?” He nudges his head closer to me. I can feel his warm breath on the side of my face, exhaling from his nose. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
I sniffle and wipe my tears.
“I uh … well, I was just thinking about your brother.”
“What about him?” he says softly, the pad of his thumb moving deftly across my chin.
Silence fills the space between us. I’m still unsure of what to say.