“He’s not like that.”
“No?”
She ducks her head. “You don’t know him, Daddy. You don’t know what he’s been through.”
“I’m not judging him, Kylie. I swear I’m not. I may not know the specifics, but I understand him better than you could ever imagine.” I move closer to her, kiss the top of her head. “But you’re my daughter, and you’re my priority. And you getting dragged through the hell someone like Oz has the capacity for, even unwittingly, without meaning to? I can’t stand that. I know I have to let you live your own life, and make your own mistakes and all that, but there’s got to be a limit.”
“So…now what?”
“You’re a smart, responsible girl, Kylie. I trust you. I trust your judgment. You’ve never given me any reason not to. So I’m going to give you your freedom in this, as much as part of me screams otherwise. Just be careful. With him. Around him. Don’t get sucked in. Don’t let him continue to hurt himself. And if he can’t stop, the only thing you might be able to do is to step away and tell him you can’t be with him if he keeps doing it, that you care too much to watch him destroy himself that way. It feels like betrayal, but it’s not.”
She nods. “That makes sense. I don’t think it’ll be a problem.”
I narrow my eyes. “As for cigarettes—which I do smell on you—and pot, and drinking…don’t be stupid, Kylie. Just don’t. None of that is worth it. Thinking you’ll only do it when you’re around him is only lying to yourself. And I will be watching for that. If I catch you smoking, drunk, or high, you’ll be in trouble. I expect better from you. This is your one warning.” I pause to let that sink in. “As for sex—”
“Got it covered, Dad. Not having that talk with you.” She won’t look at me, toying with the pop-tab on her can of Sprite.
“I’m going to say it anyway. I don’t like it, it makes me uncomfortable, but I’m going to say it anyway. My instinct is to forbid you, to crack down and all that. But unfortunately, I know better. It wouldn’t stop you. So all I’ll say is be careful. Be safe. If he’s been with anyone else, he needs to be tested before anything happens between you two.” She starts to protest, and I talk over her. “Shut up and listen, Kylie. This is awkward for me, too. But If I can’t stop you, I have to make sure you’re safe. You told Ben you haven’t…been with…Oz yet. So take precautions before. Be safe in more than one way, okay?” I take a deep breath and force blunt honesty from myself. “That means birth control and condoms. God, I hate having to have this conversation. Not just one or the other, but both. No excuses, no exceptions. I do not want to be a grandfather for a very long time. Got it?”
She nods, still not looking at me. “Yeah. I got it.”
I touch her chin. “Kylie. Look at me.” She does, and I let her see all my fear, all my worry. “I love you, Kylie. Please, please…just be safe. Be careful. Not just with your body, but with your heart and soul. And trust me when I say, if Oz does anything to hurt you, he’ll answer to me.”
She lifts her head, her eyes fierce. “No, Dad. He won’t. If I get hurt, it’ll be my own fault. I’m going into this with him knowing he’s…different. He’s not—I don’t know…tame. But neither are you, Dad. Are you? And you’re what I know. You’ve been my example in life. You’re not tame, or safe in some ways. And you may not be nice, but you’re good. And so is he.”
I nod. “I get it. And I respect that. But my prerogative as your father is to break the face of anyone who f**ks with you. And I will, whether you like it or not. So if our boy Oz prefers to have his face in one piece, he’ll treat you like the precious thing you are.”
Her face softens. “He does, Daddy. He really does.”
I hug her. “Good.” Another kiss to the top of her head. “And try to get in before one next time, huh?”
She just nods, and I leave her to go upstairs. Nell is standing at the top of the stairs, wrapped in a robe, staring off into space. She follows me into our room, and I close the door.
“She’s all grown up,” Nell says.
“I know.”
“When did that happen?”
I shrug, shake my head. “I don’t know. We blinked, I guess.”
She gives me tender smile. “You’re a good daddy, Colt.”
I sigh. “Am I doing the right thing? Letting her go through with this thing with Oz? It doesn’t feel like it. But mentally, I don’t think I have any other choice.”
She sheds the robe and climbs back into bed, naked. “I think you’re right. I’d rather know what she’s doing, even if I don’t necessarily like it, than forbid her and have her sneaking out.”
“Or worse, running away.” I’m thinking of myself, seventeen and alone in New York. So young, too young to fend for myself. It’s why I swore, when Kylie was young, that I wouldn’t make the same mistakes my parents did. But am I making different ones that are just as bad? I worry that there’s no way to know, and no way to avoid making mistakes as a parent.
I shed my shirt and climb in beside Nell, feel her warmth against me and her hair tickling my cheek.
No matter how good your kid is, sometimes life has a way of bringing shit to them that no one can foresee or protect against. If that happens to Kylie, I’ll just have to be there to help her get through it.
NINE: Germinating Seeds
Oz
Kylie asked me to get tested, so I did, and came back clean. I sat in the waiting room of her doctor’s office while she got birth control, and then we went together to buy protection. It felt odd, and strangely comforting, to do all that together. As if we were making decisions together, not merely thinking about the moment but looking at the future. As if we’re planning for a future together. The idea gives me hope.
She’s eighteen now. I spent her birthday at her parents’ house, eating cake, hanging out, laughing, having fun. All the things I’ve never done on my own birthdays. I gave her a book of sheet music of some of the popular country songs. She loved it.
So now she’s eighteen, we’re both tested and protected, and there’s nothing left but the right moment. I’m thinking she deserves better for our first time together—to be somewhere other than in my nasty room on my mattress on the floor. I’ve never been into romantic gestures, but I want to do something. The only problem is, romantic gestures cost money I don’t really have.