His jaw twitches and his mouth tightens. “If you want to blame anyone, blame Celia.”
Sure. That’s easiest. Blame Celia.
But I know deep down the only person to blame for Genevieve leaving is me.
17
The next day, I lie on the floor, my feet propped on the playroom wall, and with my hands over my heart, I let out a moan.
Mina looks up from the castle she’s building with big block Legos and frowns. “Does your head hurt, Uncle Chandler?”
“No, no.” I rub at my sternum with my knuckles. “My chest. My chest hurts.”
Arin removes the clip she’s placed in my hair and refastens it. She’s sitting above my head so she’s upside down when she peers over me. “Did you get hit with something sharp?”
“I did. Very sharp.” That’s a popular analogy about love, isn’t it? That it’s beautiful but thorny like a rose?
I still can’t believe she left like she did.
For the millionth time, I replay the scene with Genevieve from the day before. She hurt me pretty damn good. But if I’m honest, I wasn’t really very nice myself. “Actually,” I correct, “I was the something sharp.” Sharp tongue, sharp accusations.
After the way I talked to her, no wonder she’s gone.
I moan again.
“I did everything wrong, guys. All wrong.” I’d spent the previous day mad—mad at Genevieve for leaving, mad at her lack of answers, mad at what I was absolutely sure she’d done. Fuck her was my mantra by bedtime. Fuck her.
Today, the anger has worn off and the regret has seeped in.
Fuck her, but fuck me too.
With my fingers, I tick off my offenses. “I shouldn’t have snooped. I should have asked her directly. Not in front of everyone. I reacted too quickly. And based on her reaction to my reaction, I think it’s possible I was wrong about what I reacted to in the first place.”
That’s my emotions talking. I want to be wrong.
“Except, I’m not wrong. She texted those pictures. Why else would a person do that?”
“I like to take pictures,” Arin says. Picking up a toy block, she puts it up to one eye and pretends to click. “Smile, Uncle Chandler!”
I pose for the fake camera, but my smile quickly fades. Everything feels wrong. Everything feels terrible. Everything feels pointless.
And nothing makes sense.
“Do you know I actually had to convince her to date me? That’s the first time that’s happened in, like, ever.” I suggested she played aloof on purpose, but how could she really know that would work? “She didn’t even want to come here. She was worried she’d be intruding on the family gathering, and I had to assure her it would be fine. I was wrong. Obviously.”
I sit up to look at my younger niece. “I’m not blaming your father for this, Mina. I could. But he’s not the bad guy in my story.” I said I blamed him, but I can’t. I know Hudson’s just looking out for his wife and kids. Looking out for me.
I lay my head back down. “Frankly, though, neither is Celia. She’s never done anything to me. I barely know the woman. Why would I be wrapped up in her Hudson drama?” Maybe she’s the bad guy in his story, but in mine? In mine, I’m the bad guy.
At least, I feel like the bad guy.
Unless Genevieve is the bad guy. My head says it’s a very likely possibility.
My heart feels quite differently.
My heart remembers how she felt in my arms. How she melted into me when we kissed. This is fast, she said, and it felt like she meant it.
“That’s the worst thing,” I say, working through the pit of despair out loud. “I think she might really love me too. The first woman who falls when I do, and I go and f—, uh, muck things up. I mean, she was perfect. We were perfect together. The way we bantered. Our career interests melded. We had similar family backgrounds. And the se—” I catch myself before finishing the s-word. “Well, anyway. You know what I mean. Or you don’t know what I mean, but one day you will. The point is, she liked me and I liked her and things were good.”
That’s the part that hurts most. Whether she was working on behalf of someone else or not—I think she actually did fall.
“And then I accused her of doing something terrible. Of being something terrible.” Which if she didn’t do anything, well…then I’m a total ass.
I moan again.
I’m miserable.
I’m pathetic.
I’m heartbroken.
Mina crawls over to me and puts her hand on my cheek. “It’s okay to make mistakes, Uncle Chandler. You just have to say you’re sorry.”
“I think it will take more than an apology to fix this.”
And then there’s Hudson.
Even if Genny is innocent, even if I could convince her to give me another chance, how could I convince him not to cut us off from his little family?
It doesn’t matter anyway because she’s not innocent. Probably.
The door to the playroom opens suddenly, startling me. I turn to see Laynie standing in the doorframe.
Mina runs to her. “Mommy!”
Laynie bends to pick up her daughter then narrows her gaze in my direction. “Are you really spilling your woes to the children?”
“Um…maybe?”
She nods toward the device on the shelf that looks like a walkie-talkie. “The monitor is on. I heard every word.”
I resist the urge to let out another moan. “I’m sorry. Did I say anything inappropriate?”
“No.” She sets Mina down to resume playing and perches on the arm of the child-size loveseat. “You just made me feel extremely guilty.”