“I don’t own you, Rory. You don’t have to ask my permission to do anything. Well, I would be a little upset if you had sex with another guy. Just a little.”
Oh, but he did own me.
“I know, but I just wanted to make sure. And I’m not having sex with anyone else. Just you. I wouldn’t have the strength. You’re always wearing me out.” Ain’t that the truth.
“Good. Because if you were, I’d probably find the guy and pummel him into yesterday.”
“Caveman.” I’d pay to see that. There’s something kind of erotic about seeing two men beat each other up. Why is UFC so popular? Sloane loved to watch two hot sweaty guys go at each other and I had to admit that I enjoyed it too.
And then something occurred to me. “You’re not having sex with anyone else, are you?”
“No, Sunshine. I would rather wake up with you than go to bed with anyone else.” He kissed my nose and I couldn’t help but smile. I loved it when he said things like that. It made me feel all warm and fluttery inside. Like I was going to bust.
“You’re sweet,” I said, twirling his hair around my finger. I loved watching the colors change in the light. Sometimes when we were out in the sun his head looked like it was on fire. In a sexy way, of course.
“You’re sexy,” he said, running his hand over my hip and hitching it over his leg.
“You’re sweet and sexy.” He flipped me so I was straddling him and brought my face down for a kiss.
“You’re everything.” Yup. My happy was about ready to explode. Gross.
“You’re full of shit,” I said.
“Liar,” he said and I kissed him again because I was totally lying.
“I hope you know I plan on buying the most expensive mixed drink on the menu. And the most expensive entrée,” Sloane said the next night when we were at dinner.
“Go nuts, girlfriend.” This night was going to put me in debt, but oh well. Gotta make sacrifices for friends.
Sloane moved her foot up my leg under the table.
“So what are my chances of getting lucky on this date?” She put her elbow on the table and leaned in, lowering her voice and pretending to be seductive. I leaned in and played along.
“If you play your cards right.”
“Ooh, baby.” The waitress chose that moment to appear and she cleared her throat. Ha, she probably thought we were on a date. Well, I didn’t care and I knew Sloane didn’t. It would be kind of fun to keep up the charade.
“You want to order first, babe?” I said to Sloane, hoping she’d play along.
“Thanks, darling. I will have the escargot to start, and then I will have the surf and turf as well as the seafood stew, and I will also have the most expensive mixed drink you’ve got. I don’t care what it is. She said she was going to spoil me, right baby?” she cooed.
“Only the best for my girl,” I said, blowing her a kiss. I ordered shrimp cocktail, salad, and mussels with lemon garlic sauce in linguine, plus my gin and tonic. I knew there was no way Sloane could eat all that food, and was definitely going to be bringing it home and eating it for the next few days, all on me. She knew how to work the system.
The waitress came back with our drinks, and Sloane took a sip of hers without asking what the hell it was. I waited for the verdict and she made a face as she swallowed.
“How is it?” I asked and she pushed it across the table at me.
“I think I just drank gasoline mixed with nail polish remover.” I took one whiff of the thing and decided to pass.
“I’m good, thanks. But you’d better drink that entire thing. I’m not paying for you to throw away good alcohol.” She glared at me and took her drink back.
“I will drink it.”
“Yeah, you will,” I said, smirking at her. She’d made her bed so she was gonna lie in it. Or drink it, in this case.
Our food came and Sloane looked at the snails as if they were going to bite her.
“Hey, you ordered them,” I said when the waitress left.
“I know, because they were expensive and I figured they were fancy. Rich people eat snails.”
“Um, my parents have never eaten snails. Or, at least not voluntarily.”
“Your parents don’t count,” she said, picking up the device used to hold the snails as you forked the meat out.
“My parents don’t count as rich people?” This was news to me.
“Yeah, but they’re normal people. They don’t act like rich people.” I wasn’t even going to step into that minefield to figure out what the hell she was talking about. I just ate my shrimp and shook my head.
Every time the waitress came back, we pretended that we were on a date.
“God, if we keep this up much more I’m gonna wind up having my way with you in the cab on the way back,” Sloane said as we ordered dessert. She went with the tiramisu and I got the same. The waitress brought the bill and I didn’t even look at it as I handed her my card and then signed my name when she came back. The gratuity was already in there, so I wouldn’t see it until I checked my online statement tomorrow. And at that point, I would avoid it.
“Just remember to use protection. I can’t afford to get knocked up at this juncture in my career,” I said, downing my third drink. Yeah, I was a little tipsy. Sloane had finished her drink and there was apparently a high alcohol content in it, because she was pretty far gone.
“Are you implying that I have a penis?”
“A really big one. Jumbo-sized. A p**n star penis.” I knew my voice was loud and the topic of conversation was completely inappropriate for this type of restaurant, but I didn’t care at this point.
“You know it,” she said with an exaggerated wink.
We finished our desserts and stumbled toward a cab, Sloane dropped her doggie bag along the way and abandoned it on the sidewalk. Some homeless man was going to have a very lucky night.
We both fell onto the couch when we got home.
“That was nice,” Sloane slurred.
“You’re not a cheap date, Sloane Harris.”
“You spread that around.” We ended up changing into pajamas and spending the rest of the night sobering up on the couch with lots of water and microwave macaroni and cheese.
“See? This is just as much fun as going out. Actually, it’s more fun because you can wear what you want and you don’t have to be humiliated if you fart or something.” I moved away from Sloane on the couch. We’d lived with each other long enough that we’d seen it all, but that didn’t mean I wanted to be close to her if she let one rip.