“‘Child out of wedlock’? Who even says that anymore?”
“People in my parents’ generation. It was to be a cardinal sin.” My mom used to tell me stories about girls who got pregnant in her high school that were sent off to relatives to live for nine months and they’d come back with a few extra pounds and a new baby “brother” or “sister.”
“Well, I’m glad it’s not that way anymore. People were way too uptight.”
“Amen.” I waited for him to say something else about the marriage thing, but he didn’t. Part of me wanted to bring it up again, but part of me wondered if he’d avoided it on purpose. That was the other thing we’d never talked about, but which I knew, without her even having to mention it, that my mother was thinking about. It was the next logical step.
But Lucah and I had never talked about it.
“So where do you want to eat?” I was suddenly so tired I could barely keep my eyes open.
“Do you mind just having something at home? I’m too tired to stop.” I closed my eyes and leaned the seat back so I could lie down.
“Sure, whatever you want.” I closed my eyes and we were silent for the rest of the way home. I didn’t fall asleep, but I pretended to be.
I was a f**king coward. I wanted us to talk about our future, but I didn’t at the same time, because it scared the shit out of me. My parents were still happily married, but it had been a different time when they got together. And I’d started dating Lucah when I didn’t even know his real name. No relationship that started that way, and also started with no-strings-attached sex would lead to happily ever after. Right? I didn’t know anyone who had been able to make a one-night stand into something more.
I loved him and wanted him, but what if that fire faded? What if the sex became monotonous and we stopped having it, or he wanted to travel again and have a new identity? What if he got tired of being himself?
I knew I was spiraling, but this time I was powerless to stop it. I just had so many questions I didn’t know the answers to, but it was my fault. Because I never brought them up.
Lucah roused me when we got back to the parking garage.
“Wake up, Sunshine. Do you want me to carry you?” I opened my eyes and stretched.
“No, you don’t have to.” He noticed immediately that something was off.
“Is everything okay?”
“I don’t know.” That was the best answer I could give. “I just think that we’ve jumped into this relationship and we skipped a few crucial steps, and I’m worried that if we don’t talk about things, then down the line they’re going to become much bigger things and potentially come between us.”
“What kind of things?” He wiped some of the glitter off my cheek. I’d gotten it all over his car again, but he hadn’t vacuumed it. I thought he liked it. That little reminder of Gracie and Fiona.
“Marriage. Kids. What we both want from life. We sort of moved in without talking about any of those things. I don’t even know if you want to stay in Boston, or if you want to travel, or how many kids you’d want, or if you even believe in marriage, and—” The flow of words from my mouth was stopped by Lucah’s hand.
“You’re right, we haven’t talked about those things, and I figured we would need to, at some point. Yes, you may not know those things about me, and I can tell you those things. But there are things you know about me that I don’t have to say. Those are the things that matter. You know what I look like when I wake up in the morning. You’ve seen every awkward childhood photo of me in existence. You know my body inside and out. You know what makes me laugh and smile and how to push my buttons. The rest we can talk about.” It was so easy.
He had rendered me unable to speak words for the second time in a few days. How did he always know the right thing to say? It was probably because HE knew ME.
“I love you.”
“I love you and don’t you forget it.”
“Never ever.”
We held hands as we walked back to the apartment, and he randomly stopped walking, leaned down and kissed me. For no reason. Just because.
I had to stop questioning what was standing in front of me and just believe in it. Believe in us.
“So, what are your views on marriage? Pro, con, indifferent?” I said a few hours later as we fed each other Chinese takeout. Neither of us felt like cooking, and Sloane was out with Chloe trying to find her a rebound girl. They’d asked me to come earlier, but I didn’t think I was up for it.
“I am pro marriage, for the right people. My parents were pretty happy, and Tate’s happy and then there’s Ryder. Pretty sure Ryder wouldn’t date a girl long enough to even get to the engagement stage.” Yeah, I couldn’t picture that either.
“Are we the right people?” I fished a shrimp out of the bottom of the container and popped it in my mouth.
“I think so. If it’s what we both want, and the time is right, then yes. I would say we are the right people.”
“So you’d be cool with being just Lucah Blythe for the rest of your life?”
He laughed.
“Yeah, I think I could handle being me. A few years ago, no. You’re a big part of that. You helped me stop running. You taught me how to stand still, and that it wasn’t as scary as I thought. So.”
“So.”
He offered me some of the rice from his box and I opened my mouth.
“Is all this marriage talk just a huge hint that you want a ring on your finger?” I choked on the rice and had to grab my glass of wine to clear my throat out.
“No! Definitely not. But I wanted to get things out in the open before my mother asks, because I know she will. I’m sure she’s already picking out china patterns and mother of the bride outfits. For all I know, she’s already got one hanging in her closet.” That was a terrifying thought.
“But you would want to be married to me?” I gave him a look. “Hey, it’s a valid question. I just wanted to make sure.” I got up from the couch and went to the desk in the corner of the room where I kept stamps and other office supplies. Two could play this game. I wrote MINE on a note and slapped it on his left hand, where a wedding ring would go. I did it again and put one on his crotch, and another on his chin, right where his dimple was.
“Are you getting the picture?”
“It’s becoming clearer.” The note fell off his chin, but I thought he had the point.