I sunk down in my own chair and tried to think of what to say. He might have been wrong, but I couldn’t fault him for how he felt. It was sweet, in a way. And probably unethical. If Hal found out, he’d use that against Dad as well as anything else he’d dug up. Thank goodness Violet hadn’t given him anything. Especially about Lucah and me.
“I’m sorry,” I finally said, because it seemed like the right thing. One of those phrases you used when you didn’t know what else to say.
“No, I’m the one who’s sorry. Sorry this whole thing happened in the first place. If I had just—” He rested his head in his hands. Oh no. Not another person taking on responsibility for something they shouldn’t. I had enough of those in my life already.
“Walter,” I said, which made him look up. “You and I both know that’s not a productive line of thinking and won’t accomplish anything, or help anyone.” He sighed again.
“I know, Rory. I know. That was just me throwing myself a little pity party. Probably shouldn’t have done that in front of you, but I’m having kind of a rough time right now, if you couldn’t tell.” His voice broke on the last few words and he looked like he was about to cry. I got up and hugged him, putting my arms around his neck like I did when I was little and he would swing me around. Those days were long over, but sometimes I wished I could be little again, and ride on his shoulders. Just for a little while.
“Thank you, Rory. I needed that.” He rubbed my arms. “I don’t want you to worry, but I do want you to be prepared. There will be something happening at the next Board meeting, if you understand my meaning.” I did.
I tried to ask a question, but he put his hand up to stop me.
“This is hopefully going to be over very soon and then things can get back to normal.”
“Normal,” I said. I didn’t know what that was anymore. My normal had vanished a long time ago. Besides. Normal had been exceedingly boring.
“Right, normal. So don’t worry about your old dad and get back to work, okay?” I gave him one last squeeze before letting him go.
“Okay, Dad.” I left his office not knowing how I felt. I’d gone for answers, but I didn’t have many when I left. The most important, however, was that something was going down at the next Board meeting, which was only a few days away.
I walked slowly back to my office, wondering. Lately it seemed that when I wanted answers, all I got were more questions. But I had a stack of messages and three projects to approve and Lucah’s app to look over and a thousand other things that wouldn’t wait.
I did my best to try to manage all I could, but I was floundering. Even Lilia’s help wasn’t enough, and for the first time in a very long time, I felt like I was in over my head.
It made me think about the early days, when I was young and green and had no idea what I was doing, but was given responsibility that I felt I wasn’t ready for. I’d been so stressed every day, and I barely slept the first two years. Still, those had been some of the best years because I’d learned by screwing up and then fixing my mistakes. Baptism by fire.
But now I was feeling like it was too much. Like I just didn’t have the capabilities of dealing with my everyday tasks.
I was taking a five-minute mental break by closing my eyes and massaging my temples when Lilia brought me some decaf. I’d gotten down to drinking every other cup of coffee as decaf.
“I’m sorry I can’t put any booze in there. You look like you need it,” she said, sitting down without me even asking her to stay. Her comment made me laugh. I wished I could drink in the office, but then I might get even less done.
“Do you ever feel like life is too much to handle?” I said, sipping the coffee and burning my tongue.
“All the time. But my mother always said that the Good Lord doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” She switched into a southern accent for the last part of her statement, which made me give her a look.
“My mother is originally from Georgia, but thankfully I was raised in Connecticut so I didn’t get the accent.”
“Good advice, but hard to follow when you feel like you’re suffocating.”
“Have you ever thought about seeing someone?” She arranged her skirt so she didn’t have to look at me when she said it.
“I don’t know,” I said. Ryder’s stories about his farting therapist had sort of turned me off to the whole idea, but I knew that Sloane and Lucah had both been helped by talking to a professional. It was surprising how many people I knew had sought professional help at some time in their lives.
“Might not hurt. Just my two cents. And if you need anything—for me to set up an appointment, or lighten your workload, anything—that’s what I’m here for. This probably isn’t my place to say, but you suck at delegating. Here is a list of things you do that I could take off your plate and do myself and you could just look over when I’m finished.” She pulled the list out of her pocket. Wow. She was prepared.
I looked down the list, and I had to admit that she was right. I had the tendency to think that no one could do a project as well as I could do it myself. I’d been to seminars and so forth about working in groups, and I’d even gotten a certificate, but old habits died hard.
“This all looks fine. Thank you for being the best assistant I’ve ever had.”
“Really? Even though I don’t perform sexual favors?” She’d really changed from that timid girl whose voice shook whenever she spoke and had the wide doe eyes, to a sassy and confident woman who wasn’t afraid to tell me what to do.
“You can’t have everything,” I said, handing the list back to her. “And really, thank you.” She nodded and went back to her desk while I finished my coffee.
I texted Lucah before lunch, asking if he wanted to maybe meet with me and eat together. I needed my daily dose of Lucah. If there was anything that helped with my stress level, it was seeing him.
He messaged me back right away and said that he could meet me at a little bistro two blocks away. Perfect. Now I had something to look forward to. The moment I realized that I wasn’t looking forward to my workday hit me like a lightning bolt.
I loved my job, but the actual day-to-day had become something I didn’t enjoy. It was too hard to come here and be separated from Lucah, and be worried about Dad losing his job or me losing my job, or someone else turning against me, or something else going wrong. It was like walking through a minefield. Each step was exhausting.