Love. She inhaled slowly and then let out the breath through her mouth, like a meditative sigh. Alex loved his grandfather dearly. Ed’s daughters all loved him, too. There was a family culture of joyfulness, of love and compassion, and a sense that if you love someone enough, everything will be okay. Too bad Josie wasn’t part of that family.
But she was part of this one.
Jumping up to make more coffee, Josie looked at Mike, Laura and Dylan—of them, chatting happily, Laura leaning back against the couch, eyes closed, stroking Jillian’s little head as she nursed.
For Josie, it was time for something more or something different. She didn’t know what to call it, but as she’d said to Laura when she first started seeing Alex, she was somethinging.
That was a step in the right direction.
Because somethinging was better than nothinging.
The bags weighed her down as she walked from the Thai takeout place around the corner from their neighborhood, and the white plastic straps cut into her fingers, but Josie didn’t much care. The scent of peanut sauce wafted up and made her mouth water. Or maybe it watered with thoughts of seeing Alex in a moment. Her stomach gurgled.
Fifty-fifty.
Both needs would soon be satisfied.
Cheerful and excited, she took a huge leap of faith in coming here. After walking past his building three times today, her day off, she had finally seen his car in the driveway. Dinnertime made for the perfect excuse to surprise him. What man could resist a woman bearing pad Thai and chicken satay?
And her heart. Oh—yes. That part. Laura had encouraged her to just jump in and see where things went with Alex.
Impulsivity wasn’t exactly her trademark when it came to her emotions.
Alex, though, was different. Worth being different for.
Struggling with the bags, she set one down and rang his buzzer. Waited. No answer. Was it the kind with an intercom, or would he just—
“Josie?” Alex stood at the door, wet hair, a shirt on backwards.
“Hi!” she said, chipper and overly friendly. Holding up the bags, she added, “You hungry?”
Confusion clouded his features. Had he been showering? Why else would his clothes be on backwards?
Oh.
Oh.
What if she’d misjudged everything and was horribly, painfully wrong? Maybe he’d just been f**king someone else in his apartment, and this was that bleak moment when she realized his interest was just a sham. A vortex of fear opened up before her, an abyss of nothingness, calling her name, beckoning.
And then he stepped forward and smiled. “I am, actually. Come on in.” He planted a kiss on her cheek.
It was the best kiss ever.
Feeling stupid for doubting him, she walked into his apartment a bit dazed, haunted by the sudden horror that had enveloped her, so all-consuming at the thought of Alex with someone else.
“I hope you like Thai,” she said, looking around the apartment. Something was off. Unlike her last visit here, the room was disheveled, as if no one had bothered to do anything for a week or two. Not filthy—just neglected. Items stood where they’d been casually thrown or abandoned. Beer bottles (good beer, she noted) dotted all the tables, along with cereal bowls, spoons adhered to the bottom by dried milk.
Alex caught her looking. “I’ve worked a crazy set of shifts this week, and, well…”
She waved her hand. “I wasn’t judging.”
He laughed, removing the food from the bags. “Yes, you were.”
“Okay, I was. This is more what I expected to see the first time I came over,” she admitted.
“Good. Because this is more the normal me. I cleaned before you came over last time.” His sidelong glance made a part of her melt.
How intimate were they? The kiss in the alley yesterday, his leg pressing between hers, the way his mouth stole all the air and blew a desperate need into her rose to the surface.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call,” Josie said, stumbling over her words. “I just thought I’d pop in and—”
“I’m glad you didn’t. I might have begged off.” The aroma of spicy peanut sauce, lemongrass, and fish sauce filled the small kitchen, making Josie’s stomach groan once more. And then her appetite faded completely as she digested his words.
What did that mean? Should she leave? Was this a bad time? He stood next to her, two feet away, and yet he might as well be on Mars. The red cotton t-shirt was on backwards, blue jeans shorts showing off powerful thighs, and his bare feet were planted firmly on the floor, his body casual and there. Yet a tension ran through every muscle, the lines of his veins straining against his skin, jaw tight and face immutable. A mask.
So much for coming here in a spirit of openness and renewal.
“Is this a bad time?” she asked, taking a step toward the door. Panic rushed into her, like a wave crashing over her on a beach, unexpected and choking, making it hard to breathe.
He seemed to sense her shift and immediately responded, closing the gap between them, arms around her like a rescuer. “No, no, not at all. In fact, I’m really glad you’re here.” A deep inhale from him against her neck made her feel welcome as his chest expanded, filling with her.
“I am so glad you’re here,” he repeated.
Josie at his door. Bearing Thai food. If she was wearing crotchless panties then she was the one, no doubt.
Why, then, was he being such an ass? If he didn’t pull it together he’d ruin everything before they could get in a bite of Pad Thai. The second meeting at work today had been far, far worse than the initial one. The parents weren’t suing, the baby was out of the NICU, and everything was fine, but Alex’s judgment was being called into question and it was chipping away at his soul, sliver by chunk. Holding the line on unnecessary interventions and preserving the mother’s wishes for a birth that made sense—within medically responsible boundaries—had never been easy.
Now it was downright grueling, and he didn’t know how to explain to Josie that he was fighting for his soul right now at work.
So he didn’t explain. Why burden her with any of this? None of the other women he’d dated had cared about his stressors. From pre-med undergrad days through med school, he’d kept his professional life separate from his personal experiences, finding most women completely uninterested in what he did. Shining eyes loved the fact that he was a doctor-in-training or, now, a true physician. But they were more enamored with the idea of dating (and, perhaps, marrying) a doctor than with the reality of being with a doctor.