My relationship with Jake had changed. For the better, I wasn’t sure, but it had been irreversibly changed by our visit to Chase’s club.
Jake loved me.
And deep down, I realized that I quite possibly loved him as well. Although in the moment, I wasn’t brave enough to admit it to him. But he didn’t seem to need me to say the words. I realized he still needed to control the situation, to be the one to take the lead, even in showing his vulnerable side. Even admitting he loved me. And for now, I was okay with that.
Jake was a puzzle; it seemed there would always be something deep and inscrutable between us that I couldn’t quite reach, something he held deeply guarded from me, maybe even from himself. I didn’t know.
He’d hinted in our first meeting at a ‘dark period’ in his past. Did it have something to do with being a Dom?
There was something so tightly controlled about Jake. It was almost as if he had secrets or experiences that made it impossible to just let go, to be vulnerable, even when still in full control. And at every session, I couldn’t help but feel as though he hid another side of himself from me. That he took his memories, his secrets and put them – and the fear they created in him – away in a box, locked it tightly and then pushed it away. From the tortured look that I’d seen in his eyes, I had no doubt that he always knew where that box was, knew how to find it, even in the dark. I wasn’t sure if it was the secrets he was afraid of…or the fear itself.
And I realized with a start, it really didn’t matter. We all had secrets, carried baggage, kept things hidden. Who was I to make Jake reveal what he didn’t…or couldn’t…tell me?
And in understanding that, I realized I could love Jake for who he was, right at this moment. I may come to regret not knowing whatever his secrets were, but for now, I was happy.
On the way to take a shower, I saw there were a couple messages on my answering machine. Probably Leslie.
I sighed, hitting play. The first was a hang up, but when the second one began I froze.
It was Chase. His voice sounded strange in my apartment, almost like an intrusion, but one that made my heart thump and my stomach muscles clench in memory. At first his words made no sense so I hit replay.
‘Abby, this is Chase. I just wanted to let you know that I have your collar. I took it off during our session for safety reasons and forgot to hand it back to you.’
My hand flew to my bare neck. There was a pause during the message and I thought Chase had simply hung up until I heard his voice again. This time it rumbled through the speaker in a low, deep growl.
“I had a great time with you last night Abby. If you’re ever interested in coming back to the club as my guest, I’d love to see you again.”
My finger hovered over the erase button for a long time, as I found myself lost in the memory of the previous night. I finally turned away.
Jake may have his secrets; I realized that I now had one of my own.