But I wanted to see Jake, wanted a session with him. I missed that part of our relationship, not just him. I took a deep breath.
“I have plans for this weekend, Chase. I’ll have to take a rain check.” I closed my eyes, hoping he wouldn’t ask me for details. I wasn’t awake enough to do any mental gymnastics at the moment.
There was silence on the other end of the line. “I see. Okay. How about dinner at my condo on Friday, say seven? If you like, you can come to the club with me, not as a sub, but as my guest. You might enjoy the surroundings a little more this time. Take in the ambience, so to speak.”
I let out a mental sigh of relief. The thought of going to the club was interesting, something I thought I’d like now that I’d gotten my feet wet, so to speak.
“Yes, that’s a great idea. Dinner and the club.”
“You’ll be home, safe in your own bed by Saturday morning. I promise not to tie you up and leave you there, as a captive.” There was the briefest pause, in which my mind leapt to all sorts of wild conclusions. And then he laughed again, Chase’s warm laugh, making me smile.
“You’re only allowed to tie me up in public, Chase, not in private. I don’t think I trust you enough yet.”
There was a smile in his voice. “I agree. You never know what I have up my sleeve.”
He left me again with explicit directions to his condo. After I hung up, I rested my head on my desk. What the hell are you doing? You’ve never managed one relationship successfully, much less juggling two men at the same time.
***
I called Jake back, setting a session for Saturday afternoon, late. We talked a bit about what we’d explore this time.
“Do you have anything you want to try? Something you’ve been wanting to experience?”
My mind was still foggy. “I’ll think about it and let you know. Right now, I’m sleep deprived.”
“Same here. But it’s for a good reason. When I was traveling I didn’t sleep well. I thought about you, wished you were there with me.”
I blinked. “I missed you too, Jake.” But I couldn’t tell him that I hadn’t thought about him at night. That tiny fractured piece of guilt still resided in my heart, that I had something I didn’t want to tell Jake.
I hung up the phone. All I wanted was a hot shower and my bed. As luck would have it, there was a knock on my door. Leslie was standing in the doorway.
“Hey, Abby. You look like three kinds of crap.”
“Thanks, Leslie. I feel like three kinds of crap.”
She sat down. “Late night with Chase?”
I shook my head. “Late night, early morning with Jake. He’s back in town.”
“Oh. Wow. And? Did you tell him about Chase?”
I shook my head. “No, and I don’t have a reason to. We have this no-strings-attached relationship…but...” I sunk my head into my hands. “I feel guilty.”
Leslie nodded her head. “Yeah, I’ve heard that. So if you have this open kind of thing, why the guilt?”
“I don’t know. Maybe because Jake’s the first guy in a long time who seems to love me? I mean really, truly loves me. And I don’t want to hurt him.”
Leslie sat forward. “You feel guilty because you love him back, don’t you?”
There it was. Did I? I didn’t know. I dropped my head onto the desk.
“Or…do you love Chase?”
Without lifting my head, I answered. “I don’t know. Chase asked me to live with him at the ranch though.”
I heard Leslie exhale. “No? Really? Holy shit. When it rains it pours. Did he tell you he loves you, as well?”
I looked up from the desk. “No. That he did not.”
“Well, thank God for small favors, right?” Leslie smiled. I said nothing.
Her smile immediately faded. “Oh, no. Him too? You love both of them, don’t you.” It wasn’t a question; it was a statement.
“Leslie, right now I’m too tired to even know my middle name. Ask me on a different day, after I’ve had some sleep and maybe I’ll be able to make sense of it all.” I dropped my head back onto the desk with a thud.
It wasn’t just my mind that was exhausted from running through the countless thoughts that refused to let me rest. Every scenario imaginable, every choice, every ending; every string of thought played out like a line of paper dolls, whispering through the air, pulled by invisible strings in an unstoppable charade of shadowy figures. These players in my life, the two men that now dominated much more than my body, they controlled my every thought… I couldn’t run from them. I had to make sense of all that I was feeling once and for all.
Even if it meant finally losing all control and surrendering my heart.
***
Dinner with Chase; date at the club. My mind, as usual, was overwhelmed with what to wear. On Thursday night, I dug out the box of clothing Jake had sent over for our first time at Chase’s club. I didn’t want to wear the same outfit; for one, I’d have felt ridiculous having dinner in a leather corset and crotch-length zip-back leather skirt. Besides, the lace-patterned stockings never made it back home with me.
I dumped the box out on my bed. The cat sniffed cautiously at the strange collection of man-made fibers and then curled up on top of a pair of leather pants I’d discarded. After much rummaging and muttering, I found a black dress, long, with a slit up the side that ended somewhere near my waist. The sleeves were loose and flowing, but the bodice and torso fit me like a glove.
Standing in front of the mirror, with my highest heels on, I was actually pleased with the look. The leg that was visible looked eight miles long. The only problem was what to wear underneath. All my lingerie showed, except for one tiny black thong hidden in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. That would have to do. Part of me felt totally exposed, a good gust of wind and I’d have no secrets.
But a bigger part of me liked that feeling. Daring is not a word usually found in my vocabulary, but I really wanted to wear this dress. I wanted to wear it for Chase.
It would take me through dinner without feeling like I was in costume and it wouldn’t look out of place at the club. I didn’t think Chase was going to strip me down and tie me up again, even though the memory of him doing just that sent a tingle down my spine. It seemed more like I’d be playing hostess to his host.
I shook my head. You’re thinking for other people, Abby. Just relax.
Chase’s condo was in an upscale part of the city. Again, he’d given impeccable directions and I arrived unscathed, but very early. I rang the buzzer, waited and rang it again. There was a muffled curse on the other side of the door and then Chase was there at the open door, shirtless and barefoot, in just jeans. His hair was damp along the edges, a bit unruly, totally sexy.
“Abby, sorry. I’m running late. Come in.” He held the door, ushering me inside, reaching for my coat.
“One of the fillies is due to foal any minute and she looked like she was going to drop it today. But, as fillies are prone to do, she didn’t. I wanted to…” he stopped in mid-sentence.
He was holding my coat in his hands, forgotten, his eyes traveling over my body, lingering on certain parts…cl**vage, long legs, back to cl**vage.
“You wanted to? What did you want to do?” I took a step forward, my hand on his chest. I could feel his heart thudding beneath my fingers.
“I have no idea.” His voice was low, that honeyed-whiskey voice that drives me wild. He pulled me against him, coat discarded on the floor. His lips found mine, all single-minded passion. His hands were at my back, sliding down to cup my ass. His fingers moved to the side of the dress with the slit. I felt a hesitation in his kiss as his hand found the edge of the dress, moving beneath to explore the nak*d skin of my leg, heading further inside, heading toward my ass.
He looked at me, one brow cocked. “Abby, you’re not wearing any panties.” His smile was slow, sensuous.
“I’m shocked.” He was looking at me as if I were the appetizer before a full course meal.
“You? Shocked? Never…and I am wearing some. See if you can find them.” I pulled him back down to me, renewing our kiss. His hand continued exploring beneath the dress, fingers skating over my skin, his fingers sliding into the cleft, briefly snapping the elastic of the thong. I jumped.
“Ah…bingo.” He smiled down at me. “You really are full of surprises, aren’t you?” He attempted to kiss me again but I held him at arm’s length.
“Don’t you have a club to get to? And dinner?” I pretended to pout, trying hard to look put-upon and not as aroused as I really felt.
He sighed dramatically. “Ah, yes, my lady.” He bowed, waving me toward the dining room table.
“Just let me finish getting dressed. I’ll be just a minute. Make yourself comfortable. Drinks are over there…” he waved his hand at a bar in the corner of the dining room before disappearing down the hall.
Chase’s condo was a surprise. I’d expected a version of his ranch; warm woods, stone, maybe brick. But this was all sleek gray walls, dark cherry-wood floors and lots of deep blue fabric at the windows and as pillows on the cream colored furniture. It all looked new and shiny. I remembered Chase saying he only was here on the weekends, when he was at the club.
I found a bottle of wine among the liquor, pouring myself a glass. The view from the living room windows was beautiful, the setting sun casting long shadows, the lights of the high-rises looking like stars set in the glass and steel buildings.
Chase’s reflection in the glass caught my eye. He was standing behind me, looking out over my shoulder.
“As beautiful as this is, I’d trade it any day for the view from the back porch.” His hands were on my shoulders and I leaned back against him. He smelled clean and spicy; I inhaled deeply.
“Come on. Let’s eat. I am really making us run late. Stacy will open the club, but I like to be there to greet some of the guests in person.”
He led me to the dining room, holding out a chair. The table was some kind of black stone.
“What is this?” I ran my hand over the surface. It wasn’t marble, but not hewn stone either.
“Industrial concrete.” Chase set a big salad bowl on the table, brimming with tomatoes and spring greens, peppers and slices of purple onion. He continued talking as he moved back and forth between the kitchen and the table.
“The previous owner had it made in place and it’s too big to get out the door. Apparently that wasn’t well planned by the designer.”
Poached salmon appeared next, along with a bowl of new potatoes. He pulled out a chair and sat down.
“Here, give me your plate. I hope you like salmon; it’s one thing I can make by myself.”
“I do. It smells delicious.” Chase served me a portion of salmon, adding potatoes and salad, handing me back a heaping plate.
“So I ended up decorating around the table. It was easier than trying to have it demolished and removed.”
“It’s very different from the ranch.” I bit into the salmon, done to perfection, buttery and delicately seasoned with dill and lemon.