“Jake…I’m not Jane.” I touched his cheek. He took my hand, holding against his face for a moment.
“But why, Jake? Why did you look for another submissive? If this was so traumatic, why seek out another relationship?”
“Because I knew there had to be more to this than just the pain. I wanted to seek out the pleasure. And with you, I have, Abby. You’ve shown me that this type of relationship can be more than it was with Jane, that the pleasure and pain can co-exist.”
His eyes were bright, intense, as if he needed me to understand this, not just for my own sake, but for his.
“Jake, I know…I understand that part of this…our relationship. But after so much pain in losing Jane, why would you do it all over again… with me?”
He smiled, a genuine smile, not the bitter smile that had frightened me earlier. “I wanted to experience all that intense pleasure I know comes with this. And I found that with you.”
The smile faded. “Jane didn’t trust herself, didn’t trust that she could share her darkness—her secrets—with me. I don’t know that I could have helped her, but I hope to God I would have tried.”
He looked down at our clasped hands, his thumbs rubbing across my knuckles. When he spoke, his voice was barely a whisper. “Maybe I would have let her leave. I couldn’t have hurt her if she left.”
“Jake, you didn’t intentionally hurt her. You would never have done that. I know you…” I tilted his face up, my fingers beneath his chin. His eyes met mine, sadness and loss so visible it tore at my heart.
“What happened wasn’t your fault. It was beyond your control. You have to know that.”
He shrugged. “Sometimes I do…sometimes I think I could have done things differently, that things would have ended up differently…for Jane and me.
“But in the end, here with you, I did the same thing Jane did. I didn’t trust you…I wasn’t honest with you, Abby. I tried to control what I thought hurt Jane, the aggressive side that came out in our sessions.”
He leaned forward, kissing me softly. “But I couldn’t control falling in love with you.”
The room had grown dark, the storm at its peak outside, the wind driving sheets of rain against the glass. I took Jake’s hand, pulling him up with me as I stood.
I led him through the tower room door and back to the main house. Somewhere along the way, he took the lead through the maze of hallways, leading me to his bedroom, the destination we both wanted—needed—at that moment.
We treated each other as if we were fragile vessels, words whispered in the darkness, touches soft and gentle. We held each other for a long time in Jake’s big bed, while the storm raged outside.
Love making was just as slow, just as gentle. There were no words, just the two of us coming together, our bodies moving in perfect concert.
When he came, Jake buried his face in my neck. I felt the dampness of his tears on my shoulder and I held him hard against me, trying to absorb his pain, to take it away although I knew it wasn’t mine to take.
After a long time Jake rolled away from me, holding my hand in the dark.
“I can’t ask you to choose between me and Chase. That’s not fair, to any of us.” He took a deep breath; I held mine.
“But I’m changing the rules of engagement for our relationship. I won’t—can’t—share you, in any way. I want you, all of you, for myself. There won’t be a dominant submissive relationship if you’re involved with Chase in a romantic relationship. I love you too much to do that…to myself.”
I exhaled. “I know.” My voice sounded choked and tiny in the big room.
He rolled over, pulling me against his chest. It was my turn to cry quietly, emotions and exhaustion finally catching up with me. The last thing I remember before succumbing to sleep was Jake’s voice, somewhere close, soothing words washing over me, his warm scent even closer, comforting in the dark.
***
Sunday was rainy and cold; the aftermath of the previous night’s storms evident, the streets covered with a little of leaves and branches. I felt as battered as the trees, my mind numb.
I came home early from Jake’s with tentative plans for dinner on Monday night, with the promise from me I’d made some kind of decision, his promise to be patient. We’d both agreed to no more sessions.
My exhaustion was taking its toll. The shower beckoned, as did my bed. The bed won; I stripped off my clothes, crawling nak*d beneath the covers. The cat curled up against the small of my back and I was asleep almost instantly.
The phone woke me sometime later. The sky was still gray; I had no idea what time it was, nor did I care. I pulled the blankets over my head, cursed the phone and went back to the depths of sleep.
It was dark when I finally surfaced to some semblance of wakefulness. The cat grumbled his way to the kitchen and watched me as I made dinner. I carried on a one-sided conversation with him, feeding him bits of chicken to make up for not being home. It seemed to satisfy both of us.
The answering machine light was blinking, a reminder of my interrupted sleep. I pressed play and heard the usual litany of Sunday afternoon messages: my mother, Leslie. And then Chase. Three times; three messages.
He wanted to see me. He’d actually wanted me to come see him at his condo Sunday afternoon. I glanced at the clock; it was past ten o’clock. I’d been asleep over twelve hours. That’s not going to happen.
I hit redial and Chase answered on the first ring.
“Where have you been?” His voice was tense; I could hear club noises in the background, making it hard to hear him.
“I was out.” All I heard were club noises. Chase was silent.
I heard the sound of a door slamming and the background noises were abruptly cut off.
“You were with Jake.” Chase’s voice was just as tense, but now crystal clear.
I took a deep breath. “Yes, I was.” There was a sharp noise on the other end of the line. I frowned at the phone.
“Are you okay, Chase?”
“No, not really. I decided I don’t like the idea of you f**king around with Jake.”
I was instantly angry. “That’s not fair. We don’t have an exclusive relationship, Chase.”
“I don’t feel like being fair right now. And why don’t we?”
“Chase, I’m not having this conversation over the phone. It’s late and I’m tired.”
There was a pause, his voice softening. “I wanted to see you today. I miss you. Come to the ranch tomorrow.”
There were things I wanted to talk about with Chase, little things that were bothering me. Along with the big white horse in the room; the fact Chase was unable to tell me he loved me.
I agreed to meet Chase at the ranch late in the day. The phone call to Jake was painful; I could hear the pain in his voice.
“I know you need to do this. Just don’t drag this out, Abby. Please.”
***
Monday dawned bright and clear, but my emotions were just as cloudy as they had been on the weekend. I felt torn, confused, and heartsick. My head hurt, my stomach churned and nothing seemed to make any sense.
Leslie stopped by mid-morning. For once she sat quietly in the chair across from my desk as I retold my weekend adventures with first Chase, then Jake.
“Oh, Abby. This is a mess. How’d you get so tangled up with two such different guys?”
I shook my head. “I have no idea. My heart got away from me, I think.”
She leaned forward, a scowl creasing her forehead. “So, who’s it going to be?”
I looked up at her. She sat back, breathing out through pursed lips. “Oh, you have no idea, do you, Abby? It’s written all over your face.”
My head found that familiar spot on my desk again. I closed my eyes.
“No, Leslie, I don’t.”
***
The drive to the ranch went far too quickly. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see Chase; I just didn’t want to make a decision. Why couldn’t I just have both? Slide back and forth between the two? Not make a choice?
Because they deserve better than that.
Chase was waiting on the porch, looking far too sexy in faded jeans and a tight black t-shirt, his feet bare. I pulled up in front of the house and he walked down to meet me, opening the car door for me.
“You made good time.” He leaned down to kiss me. I sensed tension in his body; his eyes held a glint that made me wary.
We walked up the steps into the house. Chase led me to the kitchen and I pulled out one of the stools at the counter.
“You want a beer?” He turned to me and I nodded. He rummaged around in the refrigerator, pulling out two longneck bottles.
One cold bottle appeared in front of me. He wouldn’t meet my eyes.
“I want to understand what this is between us. No one is happy with this limbo we’ve ended up in. But I can’t make a decision without some answers.”
“So it’s come to that, has it? Did Jake tell you that you needed to make a decision? Him or me?”
He was more right than he knew, but I wasn’t going to tell him that.
“No one makes me do anything. I’m making a decision for my own sake, Chase.”
With a nod he drained his beer, setting it next to several other empties on the counter before grabbing another one from the refrigerator. This isn’t what I want here…get control, of yourself and him.
“Chase, come sit with me on the porch.” I stood, holding out my hand. I twitched my fingers at him, the same gesture he’d used with me, the one I suspected he used on temperamental horses.
He came out slowly from behind the counter, still not meeting my eyes. He took my hand, leading me out to the porch. We sat on the swing in the dark, watching fireflies over the meadow for a time, still holding hands. Finally Chase sighed, blowing out a long breath.
“I’m sorry for being sharp with you on the phone, Abby. It wasn’t fair, you were right. But it drives a stake through me to think of you with anyone else, even if it’s just with Jake, as his submissive.”
He took a swallow of his beer. His voice was tight when he spoke. “Did you need to ask permission from Jake to come see me tonight?”
I frowned at him. “Where did that come from? You know very well I’m not in a twenty-four seven role with Jake. Are you that jealous?”
“Could be that I am.” He scraped at the label on his bottle with a thumbnail, lost in thought for a moment.
“Look, I know that I owe you an explanation. I just don’t know where to begin.”
I waited. For what, I wasn’t sure. Reassurance? To be let off the hook by him telling me that I really didn’t have to explain after all? Whatever I was searching for in the silence I didn’t get it. He let go of my hand, running it through his hair.
“I told you I ran the ranch for a few years before I went to New York, to college. During that time, there was a girl here, a daughter of one of the ranch hands. Amanda…Mandy is what we called her. I loved her more than I could stand. I believed she loved me.”
He watched a moth circling the porch light. “She could ride a horse better than anyone I’d ever seen; it was like she just became the horse. There was a fire in her that I’d never found in anyone else. I’m surprised we didn’t set the hayloft on fire.” He laughed softly.