“Believe it or not, she’s handled tougher cases than you. She’s a damn fine diplomat.”
“Things just aren’t that simple for me. Talk it over and make it all better.”
“It can be.”
“What about Kevin?” His fingers tightened on the longneck. He met his dad’s eyes and let the hurt just roll right over him, regardless of whether or not his father read it in his eyes. “I just say to hell with the fact I made a move on her before he died?”
“That must have been a real bite in those honorable intentions of yours,” his father stated simply, not judging, just putting the undeniable fact out there.
“Tough to reconcile.” Until he did, he couldn’t see a way through to being with Gabrielle although he’d thought more than once that he wanted to be a husband to her and a father to Max. He still wanted those things, but he’d certainly botched his proposal. He understood now that he had to reconcile that guilt first or he would continue to sabotage their relationship again and again.
Kevin could pardon him a hundred times over but until Hank could forgive himself, there was no way to move forward. He could see now that the fight with Gabrielle wasn’t about where she would live or which one of them was in control. Because Kevin was steering their relationship, even from the grave.
“Son, it’s time to stop punishing yourself for being alive when he isn’t.”
“Easier said than done.” He bit back the urge to shout, anger piling on top of frustration. “You’re going to have to excuse me for being slow on the uptake, but this conversation is supposed to help me how? Because the way I see it, I’m sitting here, with my gut on fire and no way out.”
“Your gut’s on fire? Good.” Hank clapped him on the shoulder. “Then you’re almost there… .”
“You’re glad I’m about to put my fist through a wall?”
The general didn’t so much as wince, just looked back with wise eyes and a face that was beginning to show the toll of numerous wars. “We spend a lot of time pumping ourselves up for battle. You have to believe you’re invincible to hang tough during some of the things we’re called to do in the line of duty. That’s a difficult switch to turn off once we come home.”
Damn straight, he was wired tight. And come to think of it, he had made going after Gabrielle into a personal mission.
He focused on his father’s words, looking for something to grab hold of before the grief and rage pulled him under. “Makes sense.”
“Screw what makes sense,” his dad barked. “Quit thinking logically. Quit running scared. It hurt like hell to lose your best friend, all the worse to be there when it happened. There’s only one way to get to the other side of that grief so you can claim the good that’s waiting for you.”
Each breath seared his throat. “And what would that be?”
“Wade right in.”
His dad’s words—his dad’s wisdom—sliced through the last of his reserves. Hank squeezed his eyes closed as a tear rolled down his cheek. His father’s hand fell to rest on his shoulder and finally, Hank let himself grieve.
Thirteen
The quiet was deafening today as opposed to the evening before with Hank’s family.
Gabrielle curled up in the quaint little brass daybed in the bed-and-breakfast suite her parents had booked yesterday. Max was asleep. Her parents had gone out for a walk before supper. Surprisingly, her mom hadn’t pushed for details.
Leaving Hank’s house yesterday had been a crazy whirlwind of throwing things in her bag and gathering her son. Leonie had been confused but busy taking care of Hank’s nieces and nephews. Gabrielle had just wanted to get out before she burst into tears, a close call when Hank had held Max to say goodbye.
Once at the bed-and-breakfast, she had slept and slept, and part of her knew she was grieving over losing Hank but she couldn’t find a way out from under the confusion and hurt of her argument with him. The longer she was away from him, the more difficult it seemed to find her way through to reconciliation.
The outside door clicked with the opening lock a second before her parents walked through. Her burly daddy, who rarely said much, lumbered into her room with a small white box in his hands. He set the confection store carton on the end table and dropped a quick kiss on top of her head.
“Love you, Gabby girl.”
Then he was gone. Much like her growing up years. She’d always been sure of his love but his presence had been in short supply. He passed her mother coming in as he ducked out to his room. The television vibrated lightly through the wall, the sports channel no doubt.
Her mother still hovered across the room. “Do you mind if I sit and join you? Those pralines your dad bought are to die for.”
“Sure, Mom, knock yourself out.” She nudged the box toward her mother.
Dropping into a fat floral chair by the window, Christine pulled one of the caramel pecan treats from the box, breaking off a bite at a time as she nibbled and stared out the window. Gabrielle kept waiting for the lecture or third degree, but it never came.
Finally, she couldn’t stand the pressure of waiting any longer. “Go ahead and ask, Mom.”
Her mother looked over quizzically, smoothing back her short blond bob. “Ask what?”
“About Hank and me. You came all this way, so you might as well say your piece.”
“I came all this way because my grandson had surgery and this was the soonest I could leave your little sisters. And I came to meet this new man in your life who’s obviously very important to you.”
“He’s not in my life anymore.” Gabrielle eyed the box of pralines, but her stomach hurt so badly she couldn’t eat.
“Looked to me last night like you’re a major part of his life and family.” Her mother popped another bite in her mouth.
Gabrielle hugged her knees. “That party was all for show, staged for a magazine shoot.”
“I’m not talking about the fancy dinner. I’m talking about the expression in his eyes when he looks at you. That man loves you.”
Just hearing those words cut right through her heart. “Mom, he may have had feelings for me, but we never stood a chance. Anything we had would have always been tangled up in his survivor’s guilt. He will always see me as his best friend’s girl and that’s not something I can fight.”
“Do you still see yourself as Kevin’s fiancée?”
That stopped her short. “Of course not. I understand that Kevin is gone, and I’m helpless to change that.”
“Helpless? That’s a strange word choice. Why would you feel helpless?”
Gabrielle gawked at her mother. “You’ve got to be kidding. How could I feel anything but helpless?”
Her mother set aside the praline, her attention zeroing in. “There’s nothing you could have done for Kevin. You’re not Wonder Woman.”
A dark snort of laughter burst from her. “That’s rich, coming from you. You’re the ultimate wonder woman. You make everything look easy.”
“Now that’s just silly, dear. Life is anything but easy.” Her mother moved smoothly from the chair to sit beside Gabrielle on the bed. “Being a military wife and mother is full of tough challenges.”
She searched her mom’s face for some sense that her mom was joking but found only complete honesty. Her mother truly didn’t see herself as the conquer-all woman everyone else perceived her to be. “Why didn’t you ask for help?”
“What was complaining going to get me? My family was an ocean away. My husband was getting shot at in another country. And I had five children to take care of.” She flattened her hands to her thighs. “Honest to God, I didn’t have time to complain.”
Gabrielle understood that feeling well enough lately.
“If there had been help available, I would have embraced it with both hands. For more time to read to my kids. Or even to read a book for myself while soaking in a bubble bath.” She sighed, rolling her green eyes in imaginary bliss.
Gabrielle’s heart ached as she thought of how perceptive Hank had been about her wish for a long soak alone, saturating herself in lavender-scented bubbles. Some might consider that a small thing, but seeing her mother brought a hefty reminder of Ballard family values—thoughtfulness, doing things for others, that’s what mattered more than money.
Christine took her daughter’s hands in hers. “It’s not like I knew how to handle everything in those days. You just don’t remember the burned meals or the time I wrecked the car because I forgot to pick your brother up at kindergarten, then I drove too fast scared to death because I was late. Believe me, I cried then. As for the Wonder Woman issue…” Her mother’s German accent got stronger when she was fired up, turning her Ws into V sounds. “I am not perfect now, just better at handling things than I was then.”
Could her mother be right? That she’d simply forgotten the more frazzled days? “If you learned over time, don’t I deserve the same chance?”
“You have a point.” She stroked back Gabrielle’s hair as she’d done millions of times, always there, always loving, and that did count for a lot. “I know I interfere quite often. What is it they call that here in the States… Being an airplane mother?”
Gabrielle grinned. “A helicopter mom, always hovering.”
“Ah, that makes more sense. I never understood the airplane analogy.”
Smiling, Gabrielle leaned into her mom and they laughed together.
Her mother’s arm slid around her shoulders. “Do you love this man? Do you love Hank?”
Gabrielle didn’t even have to think to know. The truth settled in her heart, the only thing that made sense in her life. Why was it, though, that love had to always bring so much pain? “Yes, Mom, I love Hank more than I’ve loved anyone in my life, except for my son.”
For once, she didn’t feel guilty about admitting she did have deeper feelings for Hank than she’d had for Kevin. She had loved Kevin and she’d done her best to be a good fiancée, staying with the relationship longer than she should have. If anything, she’d hurt him most by hanging on too long when there’d been signs the relationship might not be a good fit.
Her mother hugged her tighter. “Then you don’t need to have all the perfect answers right now. No one is a wonder woman from day one. Do the best you can, don’t give up and the rest will sort itself out with time if you are determined to work at it.”
Her mother’s advice shuffled around inside her until it settled, making such perfect sense she didn’t know why she hadn’t seen it before. She didn’t have to have everything figured out before moving forward. It was okay to love Hank and be with Hank while they resolved their problems, because yes, she did want to find a way to be with the man she loved. Forever. “I am determined, Mom. Very much so.”
“Then what are you sitting around here for? Go get your man. Your father and I welcome the chance to babysit our grandson.”