“Hey, I’ve been Sandwich for half my life, but I deal.”
“I can take it,” he replied, fingers working at peeling the label off the beer in his hands.
My gaze moved from his hands to his lips. Damn Henry for putting the thought in my head because that was the last place I wanted or needed to be. The man was seriously hot but...what? Maybe I should just kiss him. That wouldn’t hurt would it? I mean Jared practically threw me back in the ocean, so shouldn’t I try to move on?
I sat my wine down in horror. Casey was a friend. What was I thinking? Clearly, I’d had too much to drink. I faced Casey to say I was heading back inside when he took me by complete surprise. Both his hands gripped the sides of my face, and he crushed his lips against mine. His mouth was hot, his lips soft, and when I began to respond, he groaned, moving his hands from my face to slide down my back, pushing me closer. I opened my mouth and let his tongue swirl inside, joining it with my own, feeling heat begin its stealth invasion of my body. I ran my hands up his chest and twined my arms around his neck. In turn, he hands slid slowly around my torso, trailing one up my ribs while the other shifted to grip my hip tightly.
For a moment, it felt amazing, but then I realised I was only receptive to the kiss because it was Jared I was thinking of, his hands I was feeling on my body, and his lips that were burning mine.
I wanted to weep, and when I faltered, Casey tore his mouth from mine, breathless. “Fuck.”
I didn’t speak, watching him as my lungs sucked in mouthfuls of air.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“No, I…” Tears pricked my eyes because I let it happen and it felt like I’d used him. “I can’t let go. I can’t let go of him, and I don’t want to, Casey. I’m sorry.”
“Shhhh,” he whispered. “You don’t have to explain yourself, Evie. I get it. Really. We’ve both just had a bit to drink and done something you weren’t ready for is all. If anything, I’m always your friend, and if you ever need me, just say the word.”
At that point, I decided Casey wasn’t real. He simply descended from the heavens to fool us poor women into believing that the perfect man really did exist and thus continue the eternal chase.
“I always need friends like you, Casey, but that goes both ways.”
His hand found my knee and squeezed, sliding in a gentle caress as he removed it. “Of course.” He stood up. “Coming in?”
“Yeah, in a sec.”
No sooner had Casey disappeared through the front door when Henry found his way to the front step.
I picked up my wine and took a huge swallow, deciding that the time to drink again was upon me. “What, Henry?”
He sat down. “Sorry, Chook.”
I waved a hand. “It’s okay. I did what you said anyway,” I replied, taking great amusement in the way his eyes bugged out at my words.
“Um…that was fast?”
My phone chose that moment to ring and happy to leave Henry hanging, I tugged it out of my pocket. When I glanced at the display, I dropped it like it was a hissing snake.
“What?” Henry looked at me then glanced at the phone. “Oh shit.” Now he was eyeballing it like it was a hissing snake. “You uh, gonna answer that?”
“I don’t know!” My voice was a shout and my eyes widened in panic as they whipped to his. “Should I?”
At my shout, both Mac and Coby appeared at the doorway.
“What the f**k is going on?” Mac asked.
Coby followed our gaze to the phone and then anger lit his eyes. “Christ. What the hell time is it over in the States anyway?”
“Don’t answer it,” snapped Mac.
The frustration of not having any peace to gather my thoughts had me yelling again. “Would you all shut up for just one freaking second and let me think.”
They paused collectively, almost breathlessly, and tension singed the air.
I started to reach for the phone, wanting to hear his voice.
“Evie,” Mac said in her best “you better not do what I think you’re going to do” voice.
Then it stopped ringing and I missed my chance to talk to Jared.
Everyone held their breath, waiting to see if I'd receive a voicemail. Nothing happened and grabbing my phone, I pushed my way through them and towards the kitchen, making a beeline for the fridge.
I grabbed another bottle of wine and poured as much as I could fit into the glass, sloshing it over the sides as Mac grabbed my arm and hustled me inside the walk-in pantry, shutting the door behind us. She didn’t bother turning on the light because it blew again yesterday morning.
Feeling weary I waved a hand in surrender. “Mac, please.”
“I…”
“Get to the point.” I had an alcohol bath to get to.
“Sorry, Sandwich. I’ve been such a shitty friend. I don’t want to make it all about me, but I just wanted to say that it’s been hard for me to watch my two favourite people, both so desperately in love with the other, falling apart, and it hurts. It. Fucking. Hurts.” I could hear the tears in her voice and if the light had been working, I would’ve seen them roll down her cheek. “I know I need to be more supportive, but I thought that… I was trying to just be myself. Thinking if things were normal it might help, but I realised that normal isn’t enough. Normal hasn’t been the support I thought it would be, and I’m sorry.”
There was a painful fumble in the dark where Mac grunted when I elbowed her in the stomach and I yelped when her finger poked my eye, and then we were hugging.
The door busted open and blinking at the flood of light, Henry bore down on us. “Jesus, Chook, first Casey and now Mac. Who else are you planning on assaulting tonight because I have plans.”
“You do?” I asked.
“Casey?” Mac asked.
“Casey and Evie had sex,” Henry blurted out.
“Um, what?” Mac and I replied simultaneously, mine directed at Henry, hers directed at me.
“We didn’t have sex. We kissed.”
“You did? When?”
“Out on the front step, just before.”
With the light flooding in I caught Mac’s open mouthed expression. “You mean after I took the garbage out?”
“I think that the next time Jared rings, you should answer the phone,” Henry interjected.
“Oh here we go,” Mac said with a grumble. “Advice from the retarded relationship bastard.”
“Wait.” I grabbed at her arm. “Sometimes he can be an idiot savant about this stuff. Make your point, Henry. Fast,” I added. I still had an alcohol bath to get to.
“Remember our conversation that night when Jimmy had Mac and we were talking about Jared, and I told you to put yourself in his shoes?”
Mac, not privy to our conversation, folded her arms, and I nodded my agreement, making a rolling motion with my hand to indicate he should continue.
“What’s your point,” Mac snapped.
“My point...” Henry frowned at Mac as he spoke to me “...is that he blames himself. He’s pushed you away because he can’t forgive himself for what happened to you. Remember when you told us that he said he didn’t want to be another a**hole in your life like Renny and Kellar were? He feels like he’s no better than them. So he took Casey’s place thinking that was the only way he could keep himself away from you, and he thinks he needs to do that to protect you. From himself.”
“But that’s…that’s…”
Henry finished my sentence. “That’s how men roll. I’m not saying what he did was okay because pushing you away and leaving pissed me right. the. fuck. off. I’m telling you so you’ll understand that it’s not because he doesn’t love you. It’s because he loves you so much that he’s not thinking clearly. Make sure you swallow whatever pride or anger you might be carrying, Evie, and give yourselves a f**king chance. That is why I think you should answer the phone if he rings you again.”
Henry put a hand on my shoulder, rubbing it up and down my arm soothingly as I wiped at tears.
My mind flickered back to the moment I’d first opened the door and saw Jared standing there. The green eyes laughing, the hair in his eyes, the complete and utter panic I’d felt when I knew he was going to mean something to me, something big. The messages we sent every day. The first time I felt his tongue travel the length of my body. Him running for the car when I couldn’t get out. Tackling him to the floor on our first date, then me telling him it was over. Him tucking my hair behind my ears with a curl of his lips, then the pain radiating from his body when he thought I’d betrayed him. The agony in his eyes as he told me he loved me while I lay bleeding on the floor, and the painful sobs that racked my body when he walked out the door and never came back.
I saw it all, the highest of our highs and the lowest of our lows, and as much as every piece was a part of me, I wanted to howl for never getting a chance to live in the middle.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Jared rang back the day after the barbecue. I’d missed it again, not from indecision this time, but because I was in the recording studio. He left a voicemail, and I’d sat on it all day, breathless, unfocused, and waiting until later when I was alone.
“Baby.” The deep rumble of his voice and the term of endearment stirred something inside me until he paused and corrected himself. “Evie. I’m pretty much thinking you don’t want to talk to me, and I don’t blame you. I’m sorry. I left you and I’m so f**king sorry.” I heard him inhale deeply and let it out sharply before he continued. “That doesn’t sound enough… I tried so hard to convince myself that I was doing the right thing, but the minute I got on that plane I… Evie, I watched the rose in your skin turn blue. I sat there pressing a goddamn shirt into your chest until I thought I would break. I close my eyes and all I see is you, covered in blood, not breathing, and I can’t sleep. I can’t breathe. Love was the one thing I had to give you, and I f**ked it up. I wasn’t there for you. You almost died, and I wasn’t there for you… I want you to know I was wrong. That we weren’t a mistake, and that I was a coward. I was scared of what being with me had done to you, and I was scared of that happening again. I’m sorry… I think of you every minute of every day.”
The message ended and my heart thundered painfully. I’d thrown the phone against the wall and no, it didn’t make me feel better. It just left a small dent in the wall and chipped the paint. I’d snuggled back under the doona. Then I’d huffed and flung it back off, getting out of bed to retrieve the phone. Peter growled because he was burrowed under the fluffy covers trying to sleep.
The next morning, before we left the beach, Casey crowded me against the car. “There’s no coming back for you, is there?”
I turned my head, saw the waves rolling in, saw the orange hues of the horizon, and I saw a chance to live in the middle.
I turned back and met his eyes. “No, Casey. There’s no coming back.”