Yesterday morning seemed like a lifetime ago.
“What’s the time?” Fin whispered, her voice husky as her eyes fluttered open, the bright green glimmering in the morning light.
Ryan grinned sleepily. “Mr. Wolf.”
She chuckled softly and his heart tugged at the sound.
He reached out and ran the tip of his finger slowly down her nose, his eyes following the gentle touch before he met her eyes. “It’s not quite dinnertime, but I can still have you for breakfast.”
Ryan rolled her over, pinning her arms to the bed, loving how she squirmed beneath him.
Getting to his feet, he ripped the cord from the socket and threw the clock across the room with a growl. Fists clenched and chest heaving, he watched it smash apart against the wall.
“Hey!” someone shouted and pounded back on the other side of the wall.
“Fuck,” he moaned and rubbed a hand over his eyes as a brisk knock came at his door.
“Enter.”
The door swung open and Monty appeared, his eyes taking in the shattered clock without a flicker of emotion. “Brooks said you were here.”
Ryan rolled his shoulders, wincing at all the knots that lived there. “He been flapping his mouth off?”
Monty’s brows drew together as he folded his arms. “You know he wouldn’t do that.”
“Shit,” Ryan muttered, running his fingers through his hair. “I need some clothes.”
“I’ll have some sent in, so get yourself organised. It’s Monday morning PT then we’re off to the rifle range.”
Monty disappeared and Ryan searched the room for his phone, having no idea when he last saw it. He was on his hands and knees, peering under the bed when he heard a thump from above. He looked up and saw Kyle dumping a set of clothes on his bed.
He smirked at Ryan. “You can look all you like, but you’ll never find your balls under there.”
“Har har.” Ryan got to his feet. “Have you seen my phone? I can’t find the f**ker.”
“Nope.”
“Shit,” he muttered. “I need to ring Fin.”
“What for? You need to remind her you’re a stubborn a**hole in case she forgot?”
Ryan scratched at the back of his pounding head. “No, I need to tell her where …”
“Where you are?” Kyle’s hands fisted by his sides. “Sonofabitch. I could f**king punch you right now.”
“You don’t get it.”
Just hearing her voice would set off that uncontrollable urge to ask her not to leave. If Ryan let that slip out, he would never forgive himself.
“I don’t need to get it. Fin does.” Kyle tugged his phone out of his pocket and slapped it hard into Ryan’s palm. “Here. And hurry the f**k up. We’re leaving in five and I want to start off hard. I’ve got money on today’s session, so I need to show those lazy cunts I mean business. I’ll wait outside.”
Christ. How was he supposed to say everything in five minutes? Ryan sank onto the bed and held his head in his hand as he dialled her number. He put the phone to his ear and waited but it went to message. He cleared his throat.
“Ba—Fin. I’m sorry. I’m on Kyle’s phone because I can’t find mine. I’m … I stayed on base last night. I just … I can’t …” Ryan closed his eyes, feeling like a pathetic a**hole. “I’ll call you later, okay?”
After hanging up the phone, he got dressed for their eight kilometre soft-sand run and headed out into the bright light of the morning.
“Did you ring Fin?” Kyle puffed softly as they jogged slowly towards the range sentry gate.
“Yeah,” he muttered. Today was the first day of the rest of his life without her. He was off to a shitty start because he already ached to hear her voice and feel her warm body rubbing against his own. The feeling was almost desperate and downright unbearable, like he wanted to claw his way out of his own skin.
“And?”
Frustrated, Ryan clenched his jaw. He was hoping the jog would help him switch his mind off, and Kyle was making damn sure that wasn’t happening. “And I left a message because she didn’t answer.” A dumbass message that made him sound like an idiot rather than assertive and cool so she would understand where he stood.
Where do you stand, idiot?
Ryan swiped a hand across his face. All he knew was that Fin was willing to throw her dreams away to be with him and he couldn’t do the same. How could he expect of her what he couldn’t of himself? He owed Jake to see this through, and there was no seeing past that.
They reached the gate and started stretching, the fifteen odd soldiers quiet as they focused on the strenuous and challenging run ahead.
Later that afternoon, the loud clamour of magazines, sliding bolts, and the loud shout of Monty yelling to commence fire wiped everything else from his mind. Fixated on his target, sweat rolled down Ryan’s back and chest in the heat as he squeezed the trigger. The mass sound of rifles firing cracked along the range like a fast approaching thunderstorm as he carefully adjusted his sights and shot round after round, finding his target again and again. Adrenaline pumped through his body and satisfaction curled his lips at the familiarity of holding a rifle in his hands—the smell of gunfire, like charred wood, clung to his clothes, creating a soothing balm on his raw and aching heart.
“Cease fire,” Monty roared.
The cracks of gunfire ceased immediately, followed by the sounds of magazines being removed and the discharge of chambered rounds.
In the eerie silence, Ryan felt like he couldn’t breathe. The ease of familiarity was dying off as he stepped back from the firing line. His heartbeat surged as he wiped sweat from his brow with his shirtsleeve.
Monty reached his side as he focused on trying to control his breathing. “Nice job, Kendall. Now pull it the f**k together.”
Ryan gave a sharp nod, not trusting his voice. The sooner he was in Afghanistan where he could live and breathe this shit, the better. He’d lived with a single-minded determination for so long he couldn’t stop now. He could still be that way. He hadn’t changed, dammit.
Reloading his chamber, Ryan stepped up to the plate, the weight of the rifle heavy in his hands, and waited for Monty’s command.
Finally exhausted, both mentally and physically, Ryan arrived back at base and showered off the sweat and grime of a hard day’s training. Throwing on the jeans and shirt he wore last night, Ryan grabbed his shoes and sat down on the edge of the bed to slip them on.
Galloway appeared in the doorway. “Mess is open. You coming?”
“Nah. Got shit to do.”
He tipped his chin. “See you tomorrow then?”
“I’ll be back later.” Finished with putting on his shoes, Ryan stood up.
Galloway shook his head. “You do what you gotta do, mate.”
The trouble with doing what he had to do was that it involved saying goodbye to the one person he couldn’t live without. He would never come back from this. Never.
How did people take sick days? Sitting around while the rest of the world got on with their day to day life left Fin twitchy. By lunchtime she was feeling better and made the trek into the office. She spent most of the afternoon fielding emails from Rachael, typing up a report that made no sense and checking her phone for missed calls from Ryan. A missed call earlier from Kyle’s phone had left her panicked, fearing something happened to Ryan, until Ryan himself left a message. The resignation in his voice told her more than what his words could—that his stance on the whole thesis subject hadn’t changed.
By the time Fin arrived home in the dark, she was tired and not looking forward to a lonely night. Her little car purred softly when she pulled into the driveway, her headlights bringing Ryan into focus. He was leaning against the door of his car, hands tucked casually in his pockets despite his body being tense and his eyes hard.
Taking a deep breath, Fin stepped out of the car and forced her feet to move towards him. His eyes tracked her until she reached his side.
Seconds ticked by as they stared at each other wordlessly.
“You’re leaving,” she said eventually.
Ryan nodded.
“I can’t … I don’t know what to say,” Fin managed, inhaling deeply as numbness wrapped her in its cold blanket. She could almost feel the life fading right out of her. “Maybe there isn’t anything to say. You should probably just go.”
“Fin, I …” His voice cracked but she let it wash right over her. He looked away, pressing his lips together as though he was fighting against what he wanted to say. “I don’t want you to go,” he whispered, closing his eyes.
Fin stepped back, creating distance. “It’s too late. I’ve already emailed the acceptance. It was lodged immediately.”
Fin didn’t know why she lied but f**k it. After everything it had taken for them to finally be together, he was leaving her. She didn’t need him knowing how much it hurt.
His eyes flew open and she could see both relief and anguish swirling in their depths. “Good.”
“You have your things?” she asked, her voice sounding cold to her own ears.
“I do. I left the keys on the kitchen bench … When are you leaving for Sydney?”
“Soon,” she told him. She was really going to do this. Leave everything and everyone behind. Maybe Sydney might be a fresh start, a new life, uncomplicated and easy.
“Give me your hand.” She stiffened, knowing touching him wasn’t going to make this easier, yet she offered her hand anyway. His fingers closed over it, turning it palm up. She watched his finger trace gently along the lines. “You have a long, beautiful life ahead of you, Fin.” Tears swam in his eyes as he looked at her. “Go and make Jake proud.”
Ryan gave her hand a squeeze, his eyes memorising her face before letting it go, leaving her cold and empty. Lifting his chin, he gave her a quick nod and turned, moving around the back of the car to the driver’s side. He opened the door and slid inside, shutting the door behind him.
“Ryan!” She took a step towards the car, and he rolled down the window but she couldn’t see him through her tears. “Be safe,” she whispered brokenly.
Ryan nodded, wiping at a tear that spilled over and rolled down his cheek. “You too, baby.”
Feeling herself die a little inside, Fin turned and walked towards the house. Without looking back, she unlocked the front door, stepped inside, and closed it shut behind her.
Chapter Eighteen
“You’re pregnant.”
Fin flinched, her body jerking visibly in the small chair where she sat opposite Doctor Jensen. After her initial appointment on Thursday and another week’s wait for blood test results, she finally had her answer. She’d been thinking an iron deficiency or some lingering virus, but this …
“Can you …” Fin shook her head. Maybe she heard wrong. “Did you just say what I think you said?”
Her doctor nodded, her glossy, dark ponytail swishing with the movement as her lips curved softly. “It’s a positive, Finlay. You’re having a baby.”